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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH because I want to socialise more

258 replies

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:46

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

OP posts:
Eudaimonia5 · 16/06/2023 14:49

It would be a dealbreaker for me but then I wouldn't have married someone like that in the first place.

If you've been together over 9 years and have 2 kids together, you must have been happy with him. What's changed now?

maddening · 16/06/2023 14:51

I have an inteovert and I just go out without him- works fine for us.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:52

Eudaimonia5 · 16/06/2023 14:49

It would be a dealbreaker for me but then I wouldn't have married someone like that in the first place.

If you've been together over 9 years and have 2 kids together, you must have been happy with him. What's changed now?

Before kids I had my own house and had parties/get togethers etc. He came because he wanted to see me. It's got worse since living together and having kids coz it's "our" house. When it was my house I didn't even need to discuss it with him, I did it and he came if he wanted to (which he did)

I used to socialise a lot before kids, I don't now as I have DC and want to be with them (most of the time!) But as they are getting a bit older and I'm less tired I want to socialise again.

Of course summers here and I'm thinking this will be nice to have a couple friends over for a BBQ or something....

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:52

maddening · 16/06/2023 14:51

I have an inteovert and I just go out without him- works fine for us.

Do you ever socialise together? Does it not upset you?

OP posts:
maddening · 16/06/2023 14:55

Oh no doesn't bother me at all, less pressure to worry about whether he is happy etc he only does Christmas- he is happy also and is fine with me going out - but with ds and full time work that is no every week - usually once a month or so -.except July where I have something each weekend! But that is usual.

Irequireausername · 16/06/2023 15:07

Maybe he'd be more receptive if he made friends with someone in your social circle. Is there anyone you think he'd enjoy being around? He'd probably be happy to go if there are people there that he considers his friends too.

That's how i'd approach fixing this situation, i'd try to facilitate my husband making friends with my friend's husband, for example.

ilovelamp82 · 16/06/2023 15:13

Why don't you let him know you're going to host a bbq in 2 or 3 weeks time? If he wants to be out the house he can, if he doesn't then maybe he'll suck it up like he used to when he wanted to see you. As long as you aren't having people in his space all the time, he doesn't get to dictate that you can't ever have friends over to your house.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/06/2023 15:14

I would organise BBQs and social dinners at your house, with your friends and he comes or he doesn't.

He can hide in the bedroom if he wants

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 15:17

It's not trivial at all, it sounds absolutely horrendous.

I would totally leave someone like that.

What on earth is the point of sharing a life with someone who never wants to leave ths house and sulks if asked to do so once in a blue moon. What a miserable existence.

MadamWhiteleigh · 16/06/2023 15:17

I think I would find this difficult. You’re incompatible.

What’s he like in other ways? Good husband, father?

SchoolShenanigans · 16/06/2023 15:18

I would divorce over this. Truthfully, you probably chose the wrong life partner if socialising as a partnership is a big thing for you. But you're now two children in, so it's not as easy as leaving and finding someone else to socialise with.

I think you need to really communicate with him how it makes you feel. Im an introvert but if my husband had a huge problem with how I approach it, then I'd do what I could to compromise.

Your husband bitching about events isn't on.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 16/06/2023 15:18

If you don’t appreciate him as who is, then yes, leave him. And he can find someone who will love him.

Catspyjamas17 · 16/06/2023 15:19

The thing is, if you leave him, you'll still be socialising alone, at least in the short term.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 15:19

Irequireausername · 16/06/2023 15:07

Maybe he'd be more receptive if he made friends with someone in your social circle. Is there anyone you think he'd enjoy being around? He'd probably be happy to go if there are people there that he considers his friends too.

That's how i'd approach fixing this situation, i'd try to facilitate my husband making friends with my friend's husband, for example.

That's kind of what I did

He's never met the groom of the wedding we are attending in September

So I tried to arrange a meet down pub or a BbQ,and he won't do it

OP posts:
bananaboats · 16/06/2023 15:19

I think you sound uncompatable and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that either to I do understand. I have a friend who's husband hides upstairs when people couple round and tbh people very rarely do go round as it's very uncomfortable so I don't think that's a good solution really.

mrsneate · 16/06/2023 15:20

Dealbreaker for me too.

Short story. I was with my ex husband who was very much like this. Together for 14 years. I left him 9 years ago.

2 years ago tomorrow I met my current partner. We socialise A LOT, it makes life much happier!

Even just to the two of us will occasionally book a hotel in the closest city, have a nice meal together and then dance the night away until the early hours. It's my fave part of us.

We get married next year and have booked live music for the whole day. Because that's what we love to do together.

If you're unhappy, don't stay

Inmydreams88 · 16/06/2023 15:23

Do you love him? How is your relationship when it's just the two of you? Is he a good husband? Good father? Provide for your family? Does he literally sit in the house all day and refuse to do anything or do you do things as a family, days out, holidays etc but just not with other couples? Does he like socialising with family instead of your friends?

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 15:23

ilovelamp82 · 16/06/2023 15:13

Why don't you let him know you're going to host a bbq in 2 or 3 weeks time? If he wants to be out the house he can, if he doesn't then maybe he'll suck it up like he used to when he wanted to see you. As long as you aren't having people in his space all the time, he doesn't get to dictate that you can't ever have friends over to your house.

This fills me with dread approaching this conversation tbh

I think I'm also scared of rejection/his reaction to this. Maybe I take it too personally

Whereas I should just get on with it and he can tag along if he wants (he won't)

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 15:25

Inmydreams88 · 16/06/2023 15:23

Do you love him? How is your relationship when it's just the two of you? Is he a good husband? Good father? Provide for your family? Does he literally sit in the house all day and refuse to do anything or do you do things as a family, days out, holidays etc but just not with other couples? Does he like socialising with family instead of your friends?

He doesn't like socialising with my family

He doesn't get on well with my mum (another big issue but we are working on it)

He doesn't see his brothers much

OP posts:
Flocider · 16/06/2023 15:25

Catspyjamas17 · 16/06/2023 15:19

The thing is, if you leave him, you'll still be socialising alone, at least in the short term.

Well yes but with the opportunity to meet someone who is willing to accompany their wife to weddings etc and do stuff together.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 15:25

Inmydreams88 · 16/06/2023 15:23

Do you love him? How is your relationship when it's just the two of you? Is he a good husband? Good father? Provide for your family? Does he literally sit in the house all day and refuse to do anything or do you do things as a family, days out, holidays etc but just not with other couples? Does he like socialising with family instead of your friends?

When it's just us it's okay, but these issues creep into our just us time and it makes it tough. He's a good father and provider.

OP posts:
CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 16/06/2023 15:28

Catspyjamas17 · 16/06/2023 15:19

The thing is, if you leave him, you'll still be socialising alone, at least in the short term.

Yes, but without the angst of him being a miserable fucker, hanging over her head.

LocalHobo · 16/06/2023 15:29

I think as long as you inserted the clause ".... until death us do part unless the lack of social life really gets to me" in your marriage vows, it's fine to leave.

mrsneate · 16/06/2023 15:30

@MTM2255
My ex was a good father and provider. But I was miserable, not the sole reason I left him, there was other things going on,

I was single for 7 years and thoroughly enjoyed myself socialising and dating!

I knew I wouldn't settle for the same again!

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 16/06/2023 15:30

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/06/2023 15:14

I would organise BBQs and social dinners at your house, with your friends and he comes or he doesn't.

He can hide in the bedroom if he wants

I'd die of embarrassment if my husband did this. Not a great solution