To leave DH because I want to socialise more

[MTM2255]

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

Does he really mean that or is he just attacking them to protect himself?

I'm sure not all your friends are idiots 😂

The irony is that he sounds like he could do with some friends that he actually likes, it's a shame really.

I disagree that OP's DH absolutely should be going to weddings etc. Why is that introverts need to be the ones who change and do things that make them feel uncomfortable but extroverts never need to change and socialise less, or without their introvert partners ?? I think it's because it is seen as socially unacceptable to be a true introvert. It upsets people. Tough shit I say.

But then she can invite people over without having to consider whether her husband wil be upset by it.
She can make plans without having to consider him.

Honestly OP, its tough, but this would be a major dealbreaker for me.

I love socialising, and having people over. I LOVVVEEEEEE to host! You could not stop me from doing it. Someone who was against it would have no place in my life.

Is this perhaps the key to it all - he doesn’t like your friends? Or is this part of the classic abuser’s strategy of cutting their partner off from their family and friends? Whatever the case, it sounds as though this is not a relationship that provides you with what you need. You sound afraid but I think you need to explain to him that you cannot promise to stay with things as they are and see what his reaction is. If he doesn’t care then yes, leave.

This. I am incredibly content and happy with my life. As is my DH who is a massive extrovert and loves spending time with friends. I find joy in other things.

@SpringBunnies you say you’d be angry if your husband invites people to your home. Would he be justified in anger towards you because you won’t accept what he might want to do? In his home too?

Sounds a bit like my DP but it works for us. Me and DS do a lot together, and we have weekends away the three of us. But DP isn’t particularly sociable so he’s happy staying home and watching DS whilst I see my friends. We do socialise with his sister and her family together but that’s pretty much it. His social life is back in his home town hours away, he visits twice a year without us and sees all his friends then.

YANBU you can’t go through life not being yourself. If he’s unwilling to make an effort or compromise, so that you can host at home even sometimes, then you are justified in leaving him. FWIW not all introverts are like this, many enjoy socialising very much.

You are unhappy in your relationship. It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it’s reasonable or not.

He is not going to change so it’s now up to you.

It’s hard to leave a relationship. If it was easy, everyone would do it. And they don’t as you see from this forum, from looking around you in real life. They just live with their unhappiness and hope something will change because it’s the easier option.

I am introvert and also like to socialise, I find I need some time to myself before and particularly after as socialising makes me feel very tired.

I really feel for you OP.

You don't have to be reasonable though do you? You can only live your own life and if this isn't suiting you then you have to do something.

Are you happy with him in all other ways? Because if you are then walking away from a marriage because your partner won't accompany you to a wedding seems unhappy making for all four of you.

If you're not happy in other ways then it's not just this issue and you need to look into the other things that are making you unhappy, talk to your partner about it, weigh the lot up and make a plan one way or the other.

You always knew how he is. Maybe this is just the hook that you're hanging a 7-ish year itch on? Speaking as someone who's been married nearly 40 years I can truly say that when you look back on this time in your life you're going to think the BBQ/wedding thing sounds pretty blooming hollow and a drop in the ocean of a long marriage.

I'm sorry he's a dick for saying this. I can't believe people are justifying this.

Leaving aside whether he's being reasonable for shutting himself away (he's not, for the record), no one who loved their partner would tell them all their friends were idiot.

He's just sucking the life out of you. Leave him already.

Youve avoided answering do you love him OP, I think that says it all

You and I would get on like a house on fire @kethuphouse

Well, obviously we wouldn't. You'd be happy pottering about at your house and I'd be cheerfully bimbling about my garden, both as happy as can be.

I don't think it does. Love absolutely does not conquer all. Love doesn't make up for everything else. It's perfectly possible to love someone and still find the relationship doesn't work, or work for both parties.

@Catspyjamas17

this

😂 Sounds like bliss !

@SpringBunnies

this! It’s your husbands home as well as yours you know

I don't think this is anything to do with an introvert.

I am an introvert but I still understand the importance of attending social events.

My wife has a big family, therefore I am her plus one to a few things, which was a bit of a shock. Weddings, meals, parties happen and whilst they aren't my favourite thing, I get through them and have fun. It also makes my wife happy.

Therefore, I just think he's being incredibly selfish, a kill joy and sucking the life out of you.

He's essentially preventing you from doing things you'd get enjoyment out of. The fact that your scared of his reaction should you mention having a bbq, suggests he has No compromise whatsoever.

Time to go.

But he’s not an introvert. He’s a dick.

Being an introvert (as has been explained multiple times), isn’t the same as shutting yourself away and demanding your family does the same.

He’s told OP he thinks all her friends are idiots. That’s not the behaviour of someone who’s suffering from social anxiety. It’s the behaviour of a mean minded little man who is threatened by the fact his wife is more socially gifted than he is and wants to make her life hell for trying to have a life outside the family.

@kethuphouse

this! He is not an introvert. It goes beyond that.

Okay why is she avoiding the question then?

You are incompatible, plus he is not willing to compromise, that is the root of the problem. If you do it your way he will be unhappy, and if you do it his way, you will be unhappy. Best to find someone more suitable so you can enjoy your life.

You can leave your DH for any reason you want and none.

Please get legal advice before you go down this road.

You're not selling him to us very well, OP.
He sounds a right grumpy so and so

We give you permission to leave
Your DCs will probably thank you.