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Original poster

To leave DH because I want to socialise more

258 replies

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:46

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/06/2023 15:31

I dont think he is unreasonable to not want to socialise however he is being unreasonable to not want you to socialise at your own house, and not compromise for this in any way. If he has a blanket 'no people at the house' rule I'd struggle with this, as its then difficult for you to say go to other people houses without reciprocating. If he doesnt want to see people he could go for a long walk, go and visit family, or just hole up in the bedroom/ shed with films and snacks while people are over. If he isnt prepared to compromise on this then yes I'd struggle with that

drpet49 · 16/06/2023 15:32

Why the hell did you marry him in the first place?????

SchoolShenanigans · 16/06/2023 15:33

SchoolShenanigans · 16/06/2023 15:18

I would divorce over this. Truthfully, you probably chose the wrong life partner if socialising as a partnership is a big thing for you. But you're now two children in, so it's not as easy as leaving and finding someone else to socialise with.

I think you need to really communicate with him how it makes you feel. Im an introvert but if my husband had a huge problem with how I approach it, then I'd do what I could to compromise.

Your husband bitching about events isn't on.

I meant wouldn't divorce!

TheFlis12345 · 16/06/2023 15:38

This isn’t just about him being an introvert, being an introvert doesn’t mean you are completely anti social, it means you get your energy and recharge from time alone. I am a complete introvert but can be very sociable, I just need time to myself to recover afterwards as I find it quite mentally draining.

SummerInSun · 16/06/2023 15:38

How does this impact the kids? It's an awful example for them to grow up with. And they need adults to facilitate their social lives - to have friends over for play dates with one of the parents when they are little, socialise with other parents at birthday parties before the kids are old enough for them to be drop off, etc.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 15:40

Catspyjamas17 · 16/06/2023 15:19

The thing is, if you leave him, you'll still be socialising alone, at least in the short term.

Far better socialising alone that bringing alone a miseriguts who sulks or having to worry about him being left at home.

I honestly see the point of being in a relationship like this. What on earth does a man like this bring to your life?

Itsaknotat · 16/06/2023 15:41

Why do you dread his response to you organising a social event at yours? Will he be angry/moody/sullen? If he's likely to be any of these, then my best advice is to do it anyway and let him get on with his own mood. Don't appease him or try and bring him round. Just give him notice and then let him decide if he's there or not. Do not tiptoe round him any longer.

Birdfeather · 16/06/2023 15:41

I could have written this post. My husband has been diagnosed with social anxiety.

So whilst I try and be supportive, it upsets me to think we’ve only ever had one couple over in our whole 20 odd years of being together. (We do have family round though.)

But I try to remind myself, that it’s just the way his head works. And mine works different to him.

As I said though, from time to time I do wish we could be the ones to have people over.

Twubru · 16/06/2023 15:44

My EXH was like this, and I found it got worse over time. Initially I stayed home with him if he didn't want to go out, then I started going out on my own; but I've got to be honest that it was part of the reason that the relationship broke down eventually. I don't think it would have been a problem if my EXH had wanted to stay home sometimes, but it got to the point that we weren't having that many shared new experiences as he never wanted to do anything and he always preferred to stay home. It felt a bit like our life together was shrinking, and goodness knows what retirement would be like with someone like that. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life having a pang of anxiety, guilt or dread every time I wanted to go to an exhibition or visit family as those things are really important to me.
Each to their own of course, and he's perfectly entitled to not want to go out, but making you feel bad because of a friend's wedding is both pretty extreme, and a bit of a red flag. What's equally important is that you're perfectly entitled to want a relationship that gets your needs met, and that includes having a partner that wants to do things together as a couple.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 15:44

SummerInSun · 16/06/2023 15:38

How does this impact the kids? It's an awful example for them to grow up with. And they need adults to facilitate their social lives - to have friends over for play dates with one of the parents when they are little, socialise with other parents at birthday parties before the kids are old enough for them to be drop off, etc.

Totally agree: I think it sets a terrible example to kids. It's basically teaching them to think they would be unreasonable to expect any social contact other than with their parents.

I also don't think it has anything to do with "introversion". Plenty of introverts are perfectly capable of being sociable, they just need alone time afterwards.

This is just being selfish and controlling.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 15:46

I get being an introvert and not always being in the mood but I think part of being in a committed adult relationship is that you suck it up for big events now and then for the sake of your partner. It's a bit crap to be enjoying the benefits of such a relationship and not be willing to take on the responsibilities of being a partner if you ask me.

TheMurderousGoose · 16/06/2023 15:46

You certainly sound incompatible. It seems he's happy to grow ever more reclusive. Kids obviously make the situation trickier. Is he a good dad? Does he know that this is a big enough issue for you that you're contemplating ending the relationship?

CocoPlum · 16/06/2023 15:47

TheFlis12345 · 16/06/2023 15:38

This isn’t just about him being an introvert, being an introvert doesn’t mean you are completely anti social, it means you get your energy and recharge from time alone. I am a complete introvert but can be very sociable, I just need time to myself to recover afterwards as I find it quite mentally draining.

Glad someone said this. I'm a huge introvert but love seeing friends- I just need time alone after to recharge.

I would find going to the wedding of someone I'd never met tricky, but if I was with my partner I'd just suck it up. It's one day and important to them.

TheMurderousGoose · 16/06/2023 15:48

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 16/06/2023 15:18

If you don’t appreciate him as who is, then yes, leave him. And he can find someone who will love him.

Fly in the ointment being he won't want to leave the house to meet this new love.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 15:49

I'm also loving the more sensible definition of introvert on this thread. It's usually more like deep smug bastard who's too good to make an effort with the poor sods trying to talk to them.

catsnhats11 · 16/06/2023 15:55

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 15:17

It's not trivial at all, it sounds absolutely horrendous.

I would totally leave someone like that.

What on earth is the point of sharing a life with someone who never wants to leave ths house and sulks if asked to do so once in a blue moon. What a miserable existence.

If you're both the same it's not a problem! I wouldn't want to have a partner who regularly wants to socialise or have people round the house, in fact I did have a partner like that and it didn't work, neither were right or wrong, just mismatched.

DollyTrolly · 16/06/2023 16:02

My ex was like this.....partly why he's an ex.

Life is short - find someone who will enjoy it with you

willWillSmithsmith · 16/06/2023 16:02

I split up with a long term bf years ago because he was too sociable. I got so sick of the constant parties, people over, us over to people etc it was never ending and it was making me very unhappy as, although I’m capable socially, I prefer being quietly at home. We weren’t married or had kids though so it was easy for me to leave but I can understand your frustration even if it’s the opposite side of the coin to me. Equally I can understand how he doesn’t want to (that would have been my ideal in a man, I yearned to have a stay at home type :) ).

TheMurderousGoose · 16/06/2023 16:04

catsnhats11 · 16/06/2023 15:55

If you're both the same it's not a problem! I wouldn't want to have a partner who regularly wants to socialise or have people round the house, in fact I did have a partner like that and it didn't work, neither were right or wrong, just mismatched.

Show quote history

I would say in this case he is wrong to make the feel OP that she can't invite friends over to their house.

OhmygodDont · 16/06/2023 16:04

TheMurderousGoose · 16/06/2023 15:48

Fly in the ointment being he won't want to leave the house to meet this new love.

Show quote history

Ah but just as hard for op when she will likely have the kids 12 out of 14 days too 😬

thecatsthecats · 16/06/2023 16:04

WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 15:49

I'm also loving the more sensible definition of introvert on this thread. It's usually more like deep smug bastard who's too good to make an effort with the poor sods trying to talk to them.

Yeah, I'm an introvert who loves socialising, I just find it exhausting. Pisses me off being called an ambivert - nope, I definitely find it tires me out, and solitude replenishes me!

But I am a social butterfly at well timed intervals, and like to host!

Whereas my husband is a lazy sod extrovert who never organises anything and just accepts every invite that comes his way.

OP's husband isn't just introverted, he's antisocial, given that he actively makes her feel crap about it.

LadyInTheSun · 16/06/2023 16:05

Presumably he has a job and has to deal with people there. He may not enjoy socialising but there’s lots of things we have to do because we are part of ‘society’.

Its completely reasonable for you to expect him to attend a wedding of a close friend. He should also understand that you have to reciprocate events at your house sometimes. I do not agree that he can sit upstairs or whatever, I would expect him to be a part of it out of respect for your guests.

Unless he has an anxiety problem he is being unreasonable. He needs to compromise by agreeing to host at least 3-4 events at your house every year and agreeing to attend important events with you when necessary (close friends/family). If he won’t agree to this it means he doesn’t care about your happiness at all so you might as well split up.

OhmygodDont · 16/06/2023 16:05

Honestly just plan the bbq like someone else said. He comes or he doesn’t and goes out.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 16:06

@catsnhats11

If you're both the same it's not a problem! I wouldn't want to have a partner who regularly wants to socialise or have people round the house, in fact I did have a partner like that and it didn't work, neither were right or wrong, just mismatched.

I disagree. I think never wanting to socialise outside your own family is not healthy or normal and I think it's a terrible way to bring kids up tbh.

It's one thing if single people or childless people want to live like this, dysfunctional though it is. But bringing kids up to believe that having friends and enjoying social time is abnormal is really problematic. You're basically providing them with an emotional template that teaches having any friends or strong connections outside the family is abnormal and wrong.

Being introverted is one thing: I completely understand the desire for solitude and down time. But wanting to shut yourself away from the world and expecting your partner and kids to live like that too is completely unfair.

Misspacorabanne · 16/06/2023 16:10

Yes op you should leave, because it sounds like you don’t love him. I understand how socialising is so important but I also think if you love dh enough you would find away around it together. Leaving him wouldn’t be an option. He isn’t stopping you socialising, but I understand you would want to do this together some times.
Does he enjoy walking or sport? Golf? If he had a hobby like that you could host when he’s out of the house, I do think there needs to be compromise on both sides though, you need to understand he doesn’t enjoy socialising for what ever reasons, and he needs to compromise and try to do the odd social event with you too. Even if you start by building up just go to the wedding for two hours together.
Dies he just not enjoy socialising or does some anxiety come into it? If he just doesn’t enjoy it he should try harder, if it’s anxiety/depression or asd for example, then that’s different.