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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH because I want to socialise more

258 replies

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:46

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 21:09

Sarahtm35 · 16/06/2023 20:59

Does he have qualities you like such as is he loving towards you, he is a good father?
if your only issue is he’s not a party animal then divorce to me sounds bizarre.
We’re all entitled to live how we want to. You’re not forced to stay in, so why force him to do something that makes him uncomfortable??
im sorry but I don’t get why this is so important and why you would abandon ship because you’re having issues with controlling what he does and who he is as a person.

He has told her all her friends are idiots, and point blank refuses to go anywhere with her. He won’t show his face when she invites friends to their home. You say she’s controlling him? It’s the other way around. He is stonewalling any social activity because presumably he is jealous and controlling.

In what possible universe can a person like this be a good life partner or father?

TunnocksOrDeath · 16/06/2023 21:18

bonzaitree · 16/06/2023 16:17

I truly don’t understand how adults get through life when they cannot deal with something so simple and normal like attending a wedding.

Is it his ideal day out? Probably not. But that’s OK. Surely most reasonable adults can tolerate one day of doing something they don’t really want to do.

I don't understand how so many adults get through life with so little empathy that they can't imagine how being stuck in a wedding venue and expected make social chit-chat with potentially a hundred strangers for a whole day might affect the mental health of an introvert with social anxiety, and dismiss that person's discomfort as just not being willing to make an effort.

JudgeRudy · 16/06/2023 21:19

I guess of you resent him sooner or later you'll stop loving him so yeah get on with it.
I feel sorry for him though,and your children too. Most of this is your responsibility. He didn't hide it fron you. He hasn't misrepresented himself.
I'm assuming you're imagining a better life with another man....who'll love your children like their dad does, be free to socialise (no kids or responsibilities of his own) and can contribute financially so you're able to remain in your home on one income.
Think carefully 🤔

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 21:20

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 21:09

He has told her all her friends are idiots, and point blank refuses to go anywhere with her. He won’t show his face when she invites friends to their home. You say she’s controlling him? It’s the other way around. He is stonewalling any social activity because presumably he is jealous and controlling.

In what possible universe can a person like this be a good life partner or father?

Show quote history

I'm not sure he's jealous - he has never shown any signs that he is interested in socialising whatsoever, either with my friends.or making his own

And he doesn't mind me going out with my friends whenever (within reason with DC of course) so I don't see this as controlling either

I appreciate your comment, I do, i just wanted to point that out.

Telling me my friends are idiots tho, I'm annoyed

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:21

I don't think that's fair @Thepeopleversuswork The OP hasn't in any way told us that this man is not a good father. Neither has she said that he's a bad partner, quite the opposite I think, it's just that he doesn't want to socialise and never has.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 21:30

I feel AIBU because I married him... Knowing who he is.

But he also married me knowing who I am.

At some.point in our relationship it went from me doing whatever I want whenever I want.... (Call it selfish if u want) To calming down and having DC.. to gradually getting more sleep as DC grow up to wanting to socialise again (especially post pandemic!)

I didn't socialise as much coz of DC, which is fine, but it's still my personality to do so... Which is now making its way out again.

I don't feel like I'm asking for much, I'm not talking every weekend, I'm talking 2-4 times a year doing things with others!

Is it unreasonable.to want it all?

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:38

You want to be 18 again and you are telling yourself that it's him stopping you doing that.

You don't just want it all......you want him to want it too.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 21:39

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:38

You want to be 18 again and you are telling yourself that it's him stopping you doing that.

You don't just want it all......you want him to want it too.

Is attending a wedding being 18 again? I think not

Socialising is acceptable normality across all age brackets

At what point did I say I want to go out clubbing and coming in at 2am?

OP posts:
TheMurderousGoose · 16/06/2023 21:52

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:21

I don't think that's fair @Thepeopleversuswork The OP hasn't in any way told us that this man is not a good father. Neither has she said that he's a bad partner, quite the opposite I think, it's just that he doesn't want to socialise and never has.

he doesn't allow her to have friends over to her own home.

what a swell guy.

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:53

Apologies. 18 wasn't fair. I meant before you had children.

Do you think you want to turn the clock back to a time when I only said 18 as I don't know when you had children? I meant you want to turn the clock back to "me doing whatever I want whenever I want" and know that isn't possible and that's at the root of all this? His refusal to socialise makes him the target of your frustration.

Nobody is stopping you socialising however you want to whether it's 2 - 4 times a year or clubbing or a wedding.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 21:56

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:53

Apologies. 18 wasn't fair. I meant before you had children.

Do you think you want to turn the clock back to a time when I only said 18 as I don't know when you had children? I meant you want to turn the clock back to "me doing whatever I want whenever I want" and know that isn't possible and that's at the root of all this? His refusal to socialise makes him the target of your frustration.

Nobody is stopping you socialising however you want to whether it's 2 - 4 times a year or clubbing or a wedding.

No he doesn't stop me socialising alone (which is the AIBU part.of the post)

He doesn't want to socialise with me/with others.

And it's a problem. Whether my desires are to go clubbing, or to start a unisex book club.

I can feel our relationship shrinking as a result.

Forever is a long time.

I thrive on social interaction, he doesn't.

He wants to be alone and thrives that way.

So, I find myself on a gradual decline. Because I used to just do these things anyway, and he could come along or not, but now I can't do these things.

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:59

Why can't you do them now?

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 22:08

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:59

Why can't you do them now?

Because he won't want it in "our" house

So I'm.restricted

I could do it in my own house, I didn't have to ask anyone I just did it

But if I planned a BBQ for example, he wouldn't like it. And it'll either be an argument or he will go out/hide upstairs. Which is just fucking awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 22:09

Even a friend popping in for a cuppa..it's awkward

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 22:10

I like to plan things as I like to host.

Funny enough he doesn't mind me throwing the kids birthday parties.

But if I was to throw a party for me... With adults... With the expectation that he will therefore need to socialise, it will be a problem

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 22:16

I can only really suggest that you talk to him about this and explain how unhappy it is making you. I don't think you can expect him to change any more than he can you, but you can try to make it work for each other.

VDisappointing · 16/06/2023 22:34

I have inattentive adhd and I realised I avoid socialising as I need to mask and act sociable plus I can get sensory overload.
I think you need to leave him sorry as it’s not going to get any better and it sounds like you need to socialise to reenergise and that’s ok

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 17/06/2023 07:07

I couldn’t live like this. You are absolutely not unreasonable, OP you’re not asking for much. You’re not controlling either.

This place seems to be populated by more than it’s fair share of introverts though, so some responses may be influenced by that. Natural for an online forum I guess.

Thepeopleversuswork · 17/06/2023 07:12

@BunnyBettChetwynnd

I can feel our relationship shrinking as a result

This Is why he’s a poor husband and father. He is deliberately choosing to limit the life of his wife and children and scaling back the areas where they can enjoy life together.

It’s cruel and controlling and has an awful effect on the family. I can’t believe so many people think this is normal.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/06/2023 07:24

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 21:38

You want to be 18 again and you are telling yourself that it's him stopping you doing that.

You don't just want it all......you want him to want it too.

@BunnyBettChetwynnd

why do you find the idea of socialising such a strange concept? Like it’s some sign of immaturity or something to want to go out and see friends, have friends over to your house etc. Bizarre!

electriclight · 17/06/2023 07:26

This feels like more than introversion to me.

Introverts have friends and can socialise, although they might feel the need to recharge by themselves afterwards and generally do enjoy their own company.

Any neurodiversity or social anxiety to explore?

You are clearly incompatible but you chose each other. With children, and given that it's your only issue, I'd be exploring other options before separation. Maybe relationship counselling would help him to understand how important it is to you and find a compromise..

Original poster
MTM2255 · 17/06/2023 07:54

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/06/2023 07:24

@BunnyBettChetwynnd

why do you find the idea of socialising such a strange concept? Like it’s some sign of immaturity or something to want to go out and see friends, have friends over to your house etc. Bizarre!

Show quote history

Exactly and it's posts like this that further makee feel IABU here, because he's already made me feel like IABU because he doesn't.mind me socialising alone just not with him

Regarding neurodiversity or anxiety

I think he has anxiety for sure

I'm not sure about ND....

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 17/06/2023 08:01

My ex dropped out of weddings and christenings on the day!! It was so embarrassing and impacted people monetarily who had paid for him to come.

In the end, if an invitation came in, he gave me his definitive answer there and then and was not allowed to change his mind on the day!

It got to a point where he wouldn't do anything - refused to go to the theatre - boring, didn't like it, too expensive - christenings - don't like the parents (long-standing friends of mine), weddings - can't be bothered, don't like them, it's a gay wedding - all the men will fancy me (??!!!!), you'll just talk to everyone else and dance. Ur, yeah?!

He would rather tidy his shed than spend time with me. It made me feel crap!

olympicsrock · 17/06/2023 08:18

I’m married to someone like this - an introvert. When he behaved this way before we got married I told him him was a deal breaker and suggested we end it.

He begged me to give him a chance to change. Things got better but as he has got older they have slipped back. He complains of not having friends but won’t socialise - I love chatting to parents at sports matches , school parents etc. he never wants to come .

It’s frustrating and I think looks to the outside person that he is not engaged with family life

olympicsrock · 17/06/2023 08:19

Also - it does effect you/ me the partner but I suspect our family is seen as less friendly and we get invited to less things

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