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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH because I want to socialise more

258 replies

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:46

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

OP posts:
CandlelightGlow · 16/06/2023 16:11

maddening · 16/06/2023 14:51

I have an inteovert and I just go out without him- works fine for us.

Yup! Although nowadays we have 3 young DC with no childcare help so it never even comes up anymore!

My DP would not refuse to come to things or make me feel bad, but he would get stressed.

Is he willing to do things with you though OP? There's a difference between not liking social gatherings and not doing anything at all. My DP would love to go out with just me and we did gigs, dates, trips and the like pre DC. I don't think someone who didn't want to do anything social but I imagine that would have been apparent from the off set

Allmarbleslost · 16/06/2023 16:15

Your DH is living my best life! I'm autistic and hate socialising with people I don't know well.

You're clearly not compatible op.

Opti46 · 16/06/2023 16:16

What would he do if you had two friends over at your house?

SpringBunnies · 16/06/2023 16:16

You are incompatable really. I'm an introvert and I can go and attend weddings because I'm expected to. But most weekends, I just want to chill in my house. I'll be angry if DH invites others to have a party or a BBQ at home. There will be nowhere for me to hide and relax. I can't just go to the fridge to get a drink or potter in my garden without having to behave my best. I find that exhausting.

maddening · 16/06/2023 16:17

My dh would come out with just me and ds - we are going to a gig with all 3 of us in July.

As far as me going out it is easier on childcare as dh is happiest at home with ds, and as I don't take the piss it does not cause an issue.

bonzaitree · 16/06/2023 16:17

I truly don’t understand how adults get through life when they cannot deal with something so simple and normal like attending a wedding.

Is it his ideal day out? Probably not. But that’s OK. Surely most reasonable adults can tolerate one day of doing something they don’t really want to do.

maddening · 16/06/2023 16:18

Opti46 · 16/06/2023 16:16

What would he do if you had two friends over at your house?

I don't get to have people over alot - if dh and ds go hiking and camping that is when I would do socialising in my home, I normally go out to socialise

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 16:19

He may not enjoy socialising but there’s lots of things we have to do because we are part of ‘society’."

But isn't socialising meant to be fun and not something we have to do because we are part of 'society'?

TheMurderousGoose · 16/06/2023 16:20

SpringBunnies · 16/06/2023 16:16

You are incompatable really. I'm an introvert and I can go and attend weddings because I'm expected to. But most weekends, I just want to chill in my house. I'll be angry if DH invites others to have a party or a BBQ at home. There will be nowhere for me to hide and relax. I can't just go to the fridge to get a drink or potter in my garden without having to behave my best. I find that exhausting.

isn't living with someone about compromise? I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner got angry because I wanted to invite some friends over once in a while. Why should their wants take precedence all the time? Blanket bans on something one person enjoys sounds like it would lead to a lot of resentment.

grimmers44 · 16/06/2023 16:20

It's really tricky isn't it.

My DH is ok socialising with a small number of close friends, but would hate to go to a wedding/party of someone he didn't know well. He wouldn't stop me going but it just gets awkward when people ask "where is X?" And I have to tell the truth "he didn't want to come" or make up something more palatable.

He will only just tolerate people coming here if planned ahead of time but doesn't enjoy it so either gets drunk before they arrive or sits around looking tense.

I don't know what the answer is but I know how you feel!

CandlelightGlow · 16/06/2023 16:21

The OP says that he doesn't want to do it not that he doesn't do it.

I think his attitude it out of order but presumably there are other reasons they are in a relationship.

I think a compromise is needed OP. My DP comes to big events if we can do it and will take the kids to things if I am unavailable. In return I don't expect him to come and do ordinary social things I would choose to do on a weekend.

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 16:24

bonzaitree · 16/06/2023 16:17

I truly don’t understand how adults get through life when they cannot deal with something so simple and normal like attending a wedding.

Is it his ideal day out? Probably not. But that’s OK. Surely most reasonable adults can tolerate one day of doing something they don’t really want to do.

It's not just a day. If you don't like this kind of event you spend the weeks leading up to it dreading it, the actual day hating every moment and the days after thinking WTF, that's a day I'll never get back.

Weddings are meant to be fun, happy events.....why should anyone have to attend them if for them it's a case of tolerating one day of doing something they don't really want to do.

What's normal and simple for one person is a bloody nightmare for another.

It is possible to get through life perfectly happily and well without conforming to the (often totally superficial) social obligations that are thrust upon you.

ShimmeringShirts · 16/06/2023 16:28

You post about this repeatedly OP, how many times do you need to be told it’s ok to end the relationship? Is there something holding you back?

LubaLuca · 16/06/2023 16:33

Does he ever want to go out for fun with just you, or you and the children? Days out etc? Holidays?

Does he leave the house for work? Is he able to be sociable with colleagues?

Annipeck · 16/06/2023 16:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 15:17

It's not trivial at all, it sounds absolutely horrendous.

I would totally leave someone like that.

What on earth is the point of sharing a life with someone who never wants to leave ths house and sulks if asked to do so once in a blue moon. What a miserable existence.

It certainly wouldn't work for me. It's difficult enough in our house at the moment, because DH, who is normally very gregarious, is exhausted from the compulsory socialising involved in his job, and wants to socialise far less at home, whereas my job is quite solitary, and I'm very keen to entertain.

Grumpy101 · 16/06/2023 16:48

I couldn't live like that. The whole point of having a life partner is to have someone to share life's joys with, not just reproduce and make money. His existence sounds miserable and he's dragging you down with him.

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 16/06/2023 16:51

He doesn't seem miserable at all with his choices.

The 'life's joys' thing doesn't stack up if both people don't enjoy the event
.

Bromptotoo · 16/06/2023 17:00

Allmarbleslost · 16/06/2023 16:15

Your DH is living my best life! I'm autistic and hate socialising with people I don't know well.

You're clearly not compatible op.

That's sort of my take too. I've never been diagnosed with Autism, SFAIR it wasn't a thing that was looked for 50+ years ago, but I've undoubtedly got some of the markers.

MeyerBennett · 16/06/2023 17:04

Your husband sounds like my ex. I used to go to weddings, parties, everything alone. I put a brave face on it but I hated it. I used to beg him to come with me and his response was always "why would you make me go to something I really don't want to go to, I wouldn't do the same to you". He just never got the argument that it was about being supportive, making compromises and sometimes doing things you didn't want to for the sake of someone else.

Ultimately it is not the reason we split up but I'm sooooo much happier. It wasn't until I met my now husband who will happily socialise with me that I realised how isolating it was.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 17:05

He said he doesn't want to socialise with my friends as they are idiots

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 17:06

He also has a very solitary job

I can't understand how he can live like this

Obviously he's happy to

But I'm not

I'm not expecting weekly events

2-4 a year would be fine for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 17:08

ShimmeringShirts · 16/06/2023 16:28

You post about this repeatedly OP, how many times do you need to be told it’s ok to end the relationship? Is there something holding you back?

I don't know what's holding me back

Maybe the thought that IABU with this

OP posts:
Opti46 · 16/06/2023 17:09

Me neither, there are always a handful of days a year where you might not be doing exactly what you want but you participate in these days for other people/family/friends etc…

Feels very selfish to go through life thinking you can do what you want whenever you want 100% of the time!

MeeThree · 16/06/2023 17:11

I would just arrange things you want to do surely? I am a complete introvert and dp is the total opposite. He just goes out more than me and it doesn't bother me one bit.

I wouldn't refuse to go to things we had been invited to together though. I think your dp needs to compromise a bit on things like that. He doesn't need to socialise with your friends (I don't socialise with dp's either) but he absolutely should be coming to a wedding for example.

Would he be willing to compromise and go to major events you've been invited to together? I do think that is unfair. There is a difference between being an introvert/being a bit antisocial and refusing to actually go out at all!

kethuphouse · 16/06/2023 17:13

Irequireausername · 16/06/2023 15:07

Maybe he'd be more receptive if he made friends with someone in your social circle. Is there anyone you think he'd enjoy being around? He'd probably be happy to go if there are people there that he considers his friends too.

That's how i'd approach fixing this situation, i'd try to facilitate my husband making friends with my friend's husband, for example.

This would be torture for an introvert. If my DH did this, I would leave him instantly 😁. OP you either need to accept that this is who your DH is, and socialise without him, or leave because he cannot change. He's not trying to be difficult, it's just what he feels comfortable with.