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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH because I want to socialise more

258 replies

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 14:46

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

OP posts:
Redtaper · 16/06/2023 18:38

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 15:17

It's not trivial at all, it sounds absolutely horrendous.

I would totally leave someone like that.

What on earth is the point of sharing a life with someone who never wants to leave ths house and sulks if asked to do so once in a blue moon. What a miserable existence.

Yes I agree.

And it would be totally odd to go round to a friends house for a bbq and the dh to be sulking upstairs, for those who've suggested that as an option.

Do remember OP this is mumsnet,.home of the anti social introvert.

Flocider · 16/06/2023 18:38

kethuphouse · 16/06/2023 17:16

I disagree that OP's DH absolutely should be going to weddings etc. Why is that introverts need to be the ones who change and do things that make them feel uncomfortable but extroverts never need to change and socialise less, or without their introvert partners ?? I think it's because it is seen as socially unacceptable to be a true introvert. It upsets people. Tough shit I say.

No one is saying he should, but people are advising she'd be less miserable if she left him as they aren't compatible.

Newname2323 · 16/06/2023 18:42

Personally couldn't deal with someone like this. My dads like this and my mum resents it, it means most of the time they are living separate lives which isn't what you plan when you get married. My mum still does all the hosting and dad sulks upstairs or joins in reluctantly sometimes. You do hear the comments "what's up with DH" and him appearing as just rude though, so it's not as easy as just getting on with hosting without him

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 18:43

Redtaper · 16/06/2023 18:38

Yes I agree.

And it would be totally odd to go round to a friends house for a bbq and the dh to be sulking upstairs, for those who've suggested that as an option.

Do remember OP this is mumsnet,.home of the anti social introvert.

Show quote history

But then at least I'd still be doing it

Still hosting in my own home

I just can't imagine a life without me hosting ... I just can't !

OP posts:
Redtaper · 16/06/2023 18:45

MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 18:43

But then at least I'd still be doing it

Still hosting in my own home

I just can't imagine a life without me hosting ... I just can't !

Show quote history

I'd be really sad if I couldn't have friends round. I love it,.planning what to cook, drinking wine and chatting. It's my favourite thing. You have my full sympathy OP.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 18:46

Newname2323 · 16/06/2023 18:42

Personally couldn't deal with someone like this. My dads like this and my mum resents it, it means most of the time they are living separate lives which isn't what you plan when you get married. My mum still does all the hosting and dad sulks upstairs or joins in reluctantly sometimes. You do hear the comments "what's up with DH" and him appearing as just rude though, so it's not as easy as just getting on with hosting without him

Does it end up her just hosting for her female.friends though? Or do they bring their partners?
I mean obviously I want to socialise with my female friends but I think having partners there is nice sometimes it adds extra layers to the conversation and fun

OP posts:
continentallentil · 16/06/2023 18:51

If there’s nothing else wrong I wouldn’t leave with youngish kids.

However I would tell him that you will have people over every 2 or 3 weeks if you want giving him usually a weeks notice for a couple mates and a month for a big BBQ so he can make himself scarce if he wants. I doubt he will. It’s your home to so he doesn’t get to tell you you can’t have people round.

moderationincludingmoderation · 16/06/2023 18:52

You married him knowing what he's like... but he also married YOU know what you're like.

You have to meet half way.

You're not unreasonable to want to socialise and host. It's the norm.
But you meet him half way by it not being that regular, which you are.

Catza · 16/06/2023 18:53

It does seem a bit silly to split up over this but you two do need to have a non-emotive discussion about how this is going to work in practice. I’m not a huge fan of entertaining people in my house. It’s stressful for me to worry about house looking nice, everyone being fed and hydrated, entertained… My friend was recently visiting and we decided to split the cost of hotel room. My partner feels it’s silly but I feel more comfortable this way. When we have guest for a BBQ, we compromise by me sharing a meal with everyone and then retiring to my bedroom leaving my partner to entertain. My partner generally goes out by himself and loves it. I love having a quiet evening with a book. I also will often go on holiday by myself and he can have as many wild parties at home as he wants in my absence.
I do make an effort to see a limited number of close friends/family as a couple when we go out. I wouldn’t be comfortable going to a large wedding.
Perhaps, my excuse is that I am autistic with considerable social anxiety. My partner is very gregarious. It can’t be helped. But we learned to work around that so that we can both have what we need.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 18:58

I just think in general if you want to live your life only ever doing what you want then odds are a committed relationship is not for you. You're better off single or with a more casual relationship with nothing expected.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 16/06/2023 19:06

I was with someone like this. It was ok in the beginning, but over the years it grew as an issue - the relationship just didnt feel like a real partnership. I eventually got up the courage to leave - and wish I'd done it far sooner, felt like I'd wasted years of my life

FedUpWithEverything123 · 16/06/2023 19:09

I remember sitting in tears trying to beg him to come to dinner to one of my friends with me. He just wouldn't do it. No reason at all. That is no life.

MuggleMe · 16/06/2023 19:18

I'd have everyone round and not be limited to just female friends. It's your space too. It's a crying shame he doesn't want to join in but that shouldn't stop you.

edgeware · 16/06/2023 19:24

This is exactly like my mum and dad. You’ll end up miserable. He will only get worse as he gets older. My mum wants to go on nice holidays, see people, go out, and my dad will make a problem out of everything and wears her down. It also extended to us - rarely allowed friends over, etc. It’s not nice

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/06/2023 19:44

edgeware · 16/06/2023 19:24

This is exactly like my mum and dad. You’ll end up miserable. He will only get worse as he gets older. My mum wants to go on nice holidays, see people, go out, and my dad will make a problem out of everything and wears her down. It also extended to us - rarely allowed friends over, etc. It’s not nice

Urgh. Grim. My biggest fear is ending up with a bloke who doesn’t do anything.

Think about the example this sets for your children OP. It’s no life.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/06/2023 20:00

WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 18:58

I just think in general if you want to live your life only ever doing what you want then odds are a committed relationship is not for you. You're better off single or with a more casual relationship with nothing expected.

@WhatNoRaisins

yeah you’re right op should never go out with pals and certainly never have them round hers cos she’s in a committed relationship! And that’s what women should do in a relationship- martyr themselves!

Blueuggboots · 16/06/2023 20:19

My ex was like this. He'd attend events with me but be mardy and moan and we'd end up leaving early.....or he'd say he'd come then back out 2 days before....

When people used to visit us, he'd sit and watch tv and make it obvious he wasn't interested in being sociable...

I left him for this and a few other reasons!

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 20:24

Blueuggboots · 16/06/2023 20:19

My ex was like this. He'd attend events with me but be mardy and moan and we'd end up leaving early.....or he'd say he'd come then back out 2 days before....

When people used to visit us, he'd sit and watch tv and make it obvious he wasn't interested in being sociable...

I left him for this and a few other reasons!

It's so awkward isn't it

When my best friend used to come over (he has known her as long as he's known me as we all met together!) It would honestly painful watching her try and engage him in conversation!!

OP posts:
Opaque11 · 16/06/2023 20:26

Im an introvert who married another one. Life is SO much easier. We just get each other. The most miserable relationship I had was one who was sociable and extroverted. It sounds like a dealbreaker to me. You want him to be someone he isn't, and yet he isn't stopping you from being yourself.

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 20:30

Opaque11 · 16/06/2023 20:26

Im an introvert who married another one. Life is SO much easier. We just get each other. The most miserable relationship I had was one who was sociable and extroverted. It sounds like a dealbreaker to me. You want him to be someone he isn't, and yet he isn't stopping you from being yourself.

This is why I feel like IABU

Coz he doesn't stop me going out with friends etc

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 20:36

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/06/2023 20:00

@WhatNoRaisins

yeah you’re right op should never go out with pals and certainly never have them round hers cos she’s in a committed relationship! And that’s what women should do in a relationship- martyr themselves!

Show quote history

Obviously I was referring to her partner who wants all the perks of a live in partner but won't put himself out for her by attending a social event with her or allowing her to host.

At least I thought it was obvious

Original poster
MTM2255 · 16/06/2023 20:46

WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 20:36

Obviously I was referring to her partner who wants all the perks of a live in partner but won't put himself out for her by attending a social event with her or allowing her to host.

At least I thought it was obvious

Show quote history

It's funny actually as it can be read from both perspectives!!!! Which is why I am wondering if IABU

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 16/06/2023 20:55

I mean it's going to be rare that a couple are going to be perfectly matched in what they want to do. You generally have to compromise and put up with doing some things you don't want to. It's a shit partner who never does anything they don't want to for their significant other.

Sarahtm35 · 16/06/2023 20:59

Does he have qualities you like such as is he loving towards you, he is a good father?
if your only issue is he’s not a party animal then divorce to me sounds bizarre.
We’re all entitled to live how we want to. You’re not forced to stay in, so why force him to do something that makes him uncomfortable??
im sorry but I don’t get why this is so important and why you would abandon ship because you’re having issues with controlling what he does and who he is as a person.

3luckystars · 16/06/2023 21:06

Well I think it’s unfair that his wants trump yours at home. Have a party and invite people over and say he has is unwell or somewhere else. Just do it and enjoy it. He doesn’t have to attend.
do a women only evening first and see how you get on

do you do other things together outside of the house?