To leave DH because I want to socialise more

[MTM2255]

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

You’re stating to sound pompous.

The OP’s spouse’s absolute refusal to take part in any kind of social event ever and calling her friends nasty names can cause a very valid rift between two people.

Not all marriages are religious! Atheists can get married too you know!

I know it sounds pompous.

But if we knew what marriage OP was in then we could assess her situation in line with her marriage vows and scripture.

If OP is going to go for divorce we have to establish the grounds for unreasonable behaviour and if what her husband is doing fits the bill.

@Peopledrivemenuts

Why are you going down this rabbit hole about religious marriage and obedience? This is a complete irrelevance.

Firstly a lot if not the majority of marriages in the UK these days are not religious marriages. Secondly even in religious marriages the majority of women do not agree to obey their husbands.

Finally even if the OP did have a religious marriage (and there's nothing to indicate that she does), this does not begin to excuse him systematically refusing to have anything to do with any of her friends and calling them "cunts". Do you think most devout people use the word "cunt" freely about the people their spouse associates with?

This is a total strawman argument and you are just being goady for the sake of it.

For goodness sake will you drop the religious slant to this, it’s got nothing to do with the OP and you’re starting to sound evangelical. Marriage was originally a bartering type system anyway. Marriage had nowt to do with love and all to do with assets.

No fault divorce? Irreconcilable differences?

Yes OP can do that, but what happens when her husband decides she is being unreasonable and tells everyone she left him for no reason.

I don't think none of us can say she is being unreasonable or not without establishing the terms of their marriage. It's a contract and did they decide before marriage they would enjoy social activities together inside and outside the home? If not then it defaults to the general terms of whatever marriage they are in.

If OP has simply had enough and realised they will never be combatable then she is free to leave and start a new life by filing for a no fault divorce.

You no longer have to prove unreasonable behaviour when divorcing in the UK.

We don't have to establish anything.

If, when she's weighed everything up, the OP feels her husband's behaviour is unreasonable in their marriage then she can and should do what she thinks and whatever any of us says is irrelevant.

My best advice to the OP having followed this thread from the start, would be that she should stop worrying about whether she's being unreasonable/reasonable and she should follow her heart as she only has this one precious life and she deserves to do it her way and be happy. Life is short - don't waste it. Stuff what anyone else whether it be Mumsnet, the church or whoever.

Well firstly he would have no one to tell, that I had been unreasonable leaving him

I think irreconcilable differences would be valid

I didn't have a religious ceremony

Another AIBU is my dad's just come over for father's Day lunch, no problem here. We went to my mum's for breakfast yesterday, no problems here (despite there being a lot of problems in the past with him and mum)

It's just down to my friends

Put it another way... If OP had asked amI being unreasonable to stop dating my boyfriend because we are incompatible socially. He is social recluse and I'm outgoing then absolutely the answer is clear.

The fact that they are married and are husband and wife makes this a more complex question to answer. It's a good AIBU question because it is interesting 🤔

Ok so no religious attachment to the marriage.

Do what you want OP. It's your life. No one has to be unreasonable. You just appear to be incompatible. He has a choice compromise or get divorced. Good luck with it OP.

But people come on here all the time and ask if they are BU to leave their husbands for all sorts of reasons from the trivial to the huge.

I have never heard anyone say that you have to stay married because you took a vow of obedience. Firstly it’s factually incorrect that you have to obey your husband. Even in a religious marriage almost no one promises to obey their husband these days and if they did it wouldn’t be legally enforceable.

Secondly the whole point of divorce is to allow people to exit a marriage. There is no longer a need to prove fault in a marriage. You can divorce if you can show the marriage is over.

The fact they are married means there is a legal and financial contract to unwind. But no court (and not even many churches) would sanction a woman for leaving a man who said all her friends were “cunts”.

I don't understand marriage, that is my problem.

If somebody wants to start a thread on what marriage is and get the answer nailed on then I will gladly listen and learn.

I never got married because it's outdated to me. I read a few of the terms and conditions and thought that's me out. I found it very flawed.

OP was coming from a point of if she was being unreasonable. I was coming at it from a point that she signed up to marriage and what do the text book say about it?

If you sign up to it then it doesn't matter anyway because you can just dissolve it.

OP is free to leave... free to go ...he is free to not compromise and I'm passing no judgement on either of them.

I’ve a couple of friends who have knobhead husbands like this. The time honoured excuse is they are tired from work and none of us give a shit that they are upstairs, it’s beats them huffing and puffing around you because their wife invited a friend to the house. So don’t let him be upstairs stop you from inviting your friends round, I’m sure they have the same high opinion of him as he does of them.

also it’s no life for my friends and I think they would be happier on their own but you can’t tell people until they are ready to hear.

@Peopledrivemenuts

I agree with you about marriage. I wouldn’t do it again if my life depended on it.

But married people have as much right to leave a bad relationship with someone who is hurting them as unmarried people. It’s not slavery.

He says he doesn't stop you going out, but he certainly is stopping you from hosting. So he's stopping 50% of your social life.

If I were you I'd do what I wanted, he certainly is. If you want to host, host. Just give him plenty of 'heads up' and tell him he's free to go upstairs, to a hotel, or to the moon, and the devil take the hindmost. What you can't do is insist he be there, just as he can't insist you don't have friends over. Ok, so if he takes off you'd be hosting alone but if you decide to leave you'll be hosting alone anyway, so no difference there.

I think if you try this it will soon become very clear to you whether you should stay or whether you should leave.

Yes I think this is probably what I will end up doing in the interim

I might have taken an issue with this because A. I ended up in a church yesterday as my car broke down in a remote village and it was the only place to get shade so I read the bible for three hours!! B. THE WEATHER. I saw on another thread a storm like this can warp the mind.

The bible definitely talked about how slaves should behave towards their masters. Parents should be obeyed by their children. It also said the husband is to be obeyed by his wife. It said a lot of other things that are totally outdated and bad, bad, bad.

But yes it doesn't really mean anything anymore if you can just walk out. It's hardly a wed 🔐 . It's more of a legal arrangement until it's decided it's over.

So no I don't think OP is unreasonable as she never got a religious based marriage. I assume a civil one so yes she can enter it and leave based on if she is happy with her husband or not.

I never got married because it's outdated to me. I read a few of the terms and conditions and thought that's me out. I found it very flawed.

What were you reading? I literally just said I took DH as my husband.

I know right ??? I didn't do any research 🤣

I wonder why the op's husband doesn't like her friends? Seems like a rather harsh overreaction.

Because he’s a mean spirited arsehole as you would know if you had RTFT

I've read the whole thread thanks.