To leave DH because I want to socialise more

[MTM2255]

DH is an introvert with no friends of his own (he did have a few when we met but no more)

He's never been into socialising

He never stops me socialising (as long as it's out the house!)

Things like weddings , general get togethers, BBQs etc. Just normal life things. He doesn't want to do it

My friend is getting married in September have had plenty notice , he's known about it forever. He's now throwing daggers in saying he doesn't want to go but he will go to stop a major argument. Okay so he will go but I will feel awkward the whole time so now I feel like going alone anyway.

I brought up about other social occasions, why can't we have people over more, blah blah blah.

He keeps going back to "I never stop you doing anything so why are you telling me what to do"

It's getting really upsetting, as I know that's just who he is , but I am what I am too. I'm very sociable and love to host.

I feel like it's going to be a major issue for my life. We get one life and I don't want to not do what I like doing. I know I can still socialise with my friends alone, but I would quite like every now and then to socialise as a couple and family (we have two DC 9&4)

I'm at my wit's end and considering splitting up but seems.so trivial to split up over

YABU to build a life with someone and then just unilaterally change the rules part way through in a way that basically abolishes them and their happiness.

I don't want to not do what I like

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@Peopledrivemenuts, you have some deeply strange ideas about marriage.

You can tell me what your not strange ideas about it are.

I disagree. It would be wrong to marry someone with a deliberate plan to change the rules after some time has passed I agree. But if one goes into a marriage 'in good faith' believing they can be happy with the 'rules' and later discovers that what they thought would work just doesn't OR if one party changes in later years and becomes unhappy that person has a right to change the rules for themselves. What the other party does is up to them.

My exH never wanted children, he knew I did. He went into our marriage letting me believe he did with a deliberate plan of never having children. This was wrong of him and I left him. But if he had entered the marriage wanting children and later discovered he did not, that in and of itself would not have been wrong of him nor should he have had children with me because that was the plan when we married.

OP entered the marriage with the belief that their level of socializing at that time was fine with her. And it sounds to me as if they DID socialize more pre DC, so it's quite possible that it's her DH who has 'changed the rules' by withdrawing from socializing. She has now realized she's not happy with things as they are. OP has a right to socialize as she sees fit. And it is her home too so she has the right to bring her friends there. She doesn't have the right to demand that her DH socialize with her. He can choose to stay home or absent himself If that doesn't work for either of them, then that person can end the marriage.

I don't think none of us can say she is being unreasonable or not without establishing the terms of their marriage. It's a contract and did they decide before marriage they would enjoy social activities together inside and outside the home? If not then it defaults to the general terms of whatever marriage they are in.

Earlier on in this thread @Peopledrivemenuts you said that you don't understand marriage and rejected it as a concept as outdated. Well I think that if you only see it as a contract then you would think it outdated.

Most people in marriages don't see it as a contract but as a lifelong commitment of mutual love and care, entered into through choice. Over the course of a very long life together change and flexibility is essential, otherwise how do couples adapt to the arrival of children, changing work circumstances etc. You mention Christian marriage, well the service there actually recognises this change with vows to love in sickness and health, for richer for poorer etc.

You also wrote what happens when her husband decides she is being unreasonable and tells everyone she left him for no reason.

What happens then is that the OP did what was right for her and her life and everyone else can respect her decision and mind their own business.

Marriage is a contract, yes, but it's so much more subtle, nuanced and individual than that. Your quoting contract law on this issue is like me quoting what I've read in a beginners book of space travel to rocket scientists who've had a lifetime of hands on experience.

I'm not talking about Most Marriages as you view them.

I was asking OP about her marriage so to answer her question. What kind of marriage she is in. All people don't think the same. Some enter a polyamerous marriage others enter a marriage of convenience some enter lavender marriages and so on.

I mentioned what Christian marriage would say according to the bible because mumsnet is a UK website and people up until recently mostly married in church. I think a lot of people go into marriage not truely understanding it. I do believe marriage is a legal contract between two people and I do realise people marry for all kinds of reasons not all of them sensible.

Initially I understood OP's question to be asking if she was being reasonable to say her husbands behaviour is unreasonable behaviour with regard to applying for divorce. I don't think that is the case now. I think she just wanted to guage if people would think she is unreasonable for wanting to leave him for that reason.

I hope OP and her husband can work it out, but also she should be free to leave without judgement on her reasons.

Is he on the spectrum? My DP has Asperger's Syndrome and socialising is a total dead horse. The idea of going into a roomful of people is panic territory. He shies away from meeting anyone, we never eat out and seldom go anywhere there might be 'people.'
I have friends who visit but only one at a time. I give him good warning and a reminder and he goes to his room until (as he puts it) the coast is clear. He never stops me going out or hosting but doing that as a couple doesn't exist. He isn't being a sulky manchild, it's not even his choice. He just can't manage it.

@MTM2255 so a few weeks have passed - have things changed?

I do wonder what he will be like with regards your children having birthday parties at your house… having groups of friends around etc.

my Nan made it clear with there se and heavy atmosphere that she didn’t want my mum having friends around and it massively affected their relationship as my mum grew up. She left home as soon as she could.