to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

And your parties in your garden sound great, BTW!

Some stereotyping about rich people interests are hilarious. Many don't flash that much, can appreciate 'run down' cafes and you may find their interests to be just as varied and there are ways to join in with activities that may tickle your interests that aren't just fancy partying and Soho houses. One of my friends is a long term nanny to a wealthy (but kind) family and I am almost jealous of all access she has to events and activities she's able to join in with.

Social status anxiety and fear of being looked down is real, granted and obviously there may be differences in struggles. But lets see if you give them a chance and see if you enjoy spending time with them.

If you see their amazing kitchen, it's fine to appreciate and get them to rattle off how much effort they have made to make their kitchen authentic, getting very specific tiles from Mauritius because it's their home country, etc.

Sounds like inverse snobbery.

None of these events sound fun to me! I find socializing in groups not nearly so much fun as getting together with a good mate over lunch or a couple of female friends to sit and have a drink. I just wouldn't enjoy those type of activities, as you have to make polite conversation which is tiresome, I'd go along occasionally so the kids could run around but it wouldn't be my favoured style of interacting. Also in a few years, the divorces will start and then there's the issues of who you stay friends with, do the newly single women get an invite (I've been that lone woman at a party several times and you just don't know who to talk to as it's lots of couples). I'd make good friends yourself and just dip in and out of this other group if you feel like it- send your husband along with the kids to most events and get him to organize a BBQ once a year and smile and that's it.

If you don’t feel you fit in then you don’t have to socialise with them. DH can keep up with his mates, you could go to the odd meet up but the rest of the time be too busy with friends/work/family/hobbies. Life’s too short to feel you have to do things you don’t need to and don’t want to.

I think the difference may be in values rather than wealth. If they focus on extrinsic values such as owning things, luxury and status, you're not going to be able to compete, and are going to feel left out. If, despite their wealth, they are able to focus on intrinsic values such as friendship, experiences, community, conversation and human connection, then you're more likely to find common ground and to get on.

You could try to find common ground with them according to intrinsic values, but it may not be possible. Depends on what they value in life really, doesn't it?

TBF the OP isn't talking about such a big disparity as people with millions and people living below the poverty line.

I do get it OP I think. I'm not a jealous person at all but it depends on the wealthier person's personality.

In real life I never think about the word "class" though hear it all the time on MN. Legitimately never heard it in conversation. I worked at a place in my first role where lots of people from wealthier backgrounds worked. I am not middle or upper class. I've made a small group of life long friends who I see regularly and they are much better off financially than me, and their families are too so they get a lot of support. I've never felt jealous of them, truly. It's not how I operate.

But one of them got married recently and MY GOD there was a friend of my friend their and his wife who did NOT stop banging on about how they were middle class, went to private school, all sorts of other minute things like that all night. It was so tiresome and embarrassing. They weren't just talking about their life and happened to be wealthy so the stuff they mentioned made it obvious they were well off, you know?

So if the friends are anything like that, even if otherwise nice, I can see why even if you have no issues with confidence or jealousy, why you would not want to socialise with them. Because at the end of the day, in that scenario, it's not the wealth of the person that's the problem but their demonstrated attitude toward money, life and others.

I think the difference may be in values rather than wealth. If they focus on extrinsic values such as owning things, luxury and status, you're not going to be able to compete, and are going to feel left out. If, despite their wealth, they are able to focus on intrinsic values such as friendship, experiences, community, conversation and human connection, then you're more likely to find common ground and to get on

Yes that's exactly it. I am not a materialistic person, so I don't get on with people who so greatly value possessions, I find it crass and I also don't relate (I don't think you have to actively disagree with everything you personally don't enjoy, I just also find it crass in this case).

I'm sure there are wealthy people who are also not materialistic and judge people by their wealth, and I'm sure there are less well off people like me who are infatuated with materialism also. In fact I know both types of people exist.

Same here @VeterinaryCareAssistant I'm an example of the "poor" hypothetical friend being discussed - terraced house, small yard, annual holiday is a few nights in a glamping pod this year, an upgrade from our usual tent. I would find the OP very well off with their detached house and cruises. But one of my best (sadly now late) friends was very well to do. She was proper old money, with ancestors who lived in a now national trust property, and the least snobby person ever. Was quite happy to visit me despite arriving in a car that probably cost more than my house!

Go to the things you enjoy and not to the ones you don't. Their income and lifestyle don't come into it.

It matters if it makes you feel inferior

We have a nice big house, good lifestyle etc but we have friends whose houses are four times the size!!

Doesn't really make me feel good, I don't think that's surprising

This will sound like it’s made-up to prove a point, but it’s actually true.

My sister-in-law is a single mum who works part-time as a cleaner on minimum wage. Her best friend is a multimillionaire who owns a helicopter.

It’s a significant wealth gap but they make their friendship work.

I think don’t limit friendships if they’re nice, maybe work on your own self worth. Trust me the people who seem to have the most, who strive to show they have the most are just like anyone else and will lack in other areas.

I know a lot of very wealthy people and my God do they have their issues, but we’re all humans. There is no black and white to friendship.

I think a one to one friendship with someone you really get on well with is very different to socialising with a group where the only link is that your husbands went to school together.

Have you ever asked? Them would probably love it!

Your gut is telling you something. If you're not comfortable then its not the law to socialise with certain people.
Let hubby rock on, but cool it for yourself.

Turn this on its head and pretend you're the one with the multi-million pound bank balance and they are living in social housing. I'm just imagining what it would sound like if you'd posted that you weren't comfortable with people because they were significantly poorer than you.

It's not difficult to imagine that a multimillionaire might feel a tad out of place, uncomfortable or excluded from the conversation at a social gathering with a large group of people who were all living in social housing and on low incomes.
Lots of posters are making out that because she feels uncomfortable in this group OP must be so bitter and insecure she can't tolerate being around anyone who has more money than her, but that doesn't seem to be what she's saying. The issue here is that in this particular social group they are all, without exception, obscenely wealthy so the OP is very much the 'odd one out'. Spending time with someone much wealthier than you 'one on one', or in mixed company, is entirely different to being the only non-rich person surrounded by very rich people.

I'm surprised at home harsh some of the responses on this thread have been. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend what precious free time you have in an environment where you feel at ease, with people you feel you have things in common with. That doesn't make OP a monster.

Yes but that’s her best friend. I guess their friendship goes back to a different time.

It’s not someone she’s only meets up with because they’re married to her husbands old school friends.

I could understand not wanting to socialise with rich people who looked down on you, patronised you or had materialistic values. But if none of that was true and I enjoyed someone's company... well, I wouldn't be thinking about whether I measured up to them or comparing myself to them.

DP has lots of old friends who are much better-off than us (most of his uni friends went into finance, he didn't; my friends are mostly from arty circles where there's not much money generally). It never matters. We stay in their massive houses and have a great time. They come and chill in our little garden and have a great time. We're probably cooler than them, even in our late 30s, which matters exactly as much as them being richer than us (ie, we recognise it in each other and it simply doesn't matter to our friendship). We definitely host better parties because interesting people and good music makes for a better party than lavish paid-for entertainment.

Interestingly about 10 years ago another social circle we were in sort of meshed with the richer social circle above and there were definitely a few feelings about the class gap and a few who suddenly tried to "keep up with the Joneses". DP and I weren't really part of that though. It didn't seem to make anyone involved happy.

There have also been one or two people I've become acquainted with through the richer group who have made a few patronising comments, which is good because it's a handy warning not to bother getting friendlier with them.

They’re school friends of your partner, not your friends. Life’s too short to spend time with people who make you feel uncomfortable. I’m unclear why people are being so harsh to you about this. You don’t have to socialise with these people if you don’t want to. However if you do feel like you’re missing out, it might be worth digging into your own feelings a bit more. But if your life is fine and dandy without them, then don’t bother.

I'll say straight up that I don't think I would be able to be close friends with a group that were all significantly poorer than me UNLESS we had a connection that brought us together - eg a hobby that is the centre of our meetups or school friends. It's not because I care about how much money people make, or am particularly materialistic but that I'd feel I had to avoid talking about certain topics because of the risk of seeming to be gloating/insensitive and realistically I couldn't be close friends with people I felt I had to hide where I was going on holiday with or similar.

It's similar with one-one close friends - in reality my close friends are in the same ballpark in terms of income as me, except where they're close friends from school/university i.e. old friends. I'm in a similar financial position to OP and realistically it would be unlikely that I'd become close friends with someone struggling on benefits because our lives are so different. That doesn't mean I'd stop being friends with someone if their financial position changed, or that I'd be actively avoiding a friendship, just that in experience they don't happen.

The same applies for people substantially richer than me. For OP's DH, he has a connection there from school that transcends the different in income and it sounds like the income gap has always been there anyway. For OP this is new and she doesn't have the shared experience.

I have friends who are substantially richer than me and that's ok up to a point but I admit at times it makes me feel like I haven't achieved as much as I should have done. It's not jealousy, it's insecurity.

I also have recently started occasionally moving in circles where people are seriously richer than me - billionaire space. (Nearly) everyone I have met is lovely and doesn't seem to judge me in anyway and is actually fairly down to earth. I don't think I could be close friends with them though as I'd worry that if I wanted a moan about how expensive something was, or saying I didn't have enough money to do something, they'd think I was after money from them. Conversely I don't think this would ever cross my mind if a friend on a much lower income had a moan about money to me!

They also (because they're not arses) probably feel like there are things they can't discuss - they're not going to mention having spent 100s of thousands on curtains in front of me, whereas with people in the same financial range they might discuss options in that price range.

For the OP I'd advise to keep trying because these are close friends of her husband's and it sounds like they're nice people. I also agree with the PP that you think they are all in the same financial bracket, but I'd make a bet that at least one couple is only going for the suite on the cruise because they feel they need to keep up appearances. You might find it's quite a high number of them. What you need to get to is a position where you don't feel you need to make excuses and can say straight up that you can't afford it and not feel like the group will resent you for that. Easier said than done though.

And for people who say there would be no need to avoid topics with close friends substantially poorer than you, look at what happens here when someone comes up and says that with cost of living increases they might have to give up the annual ski trip. Inevitably (when people don't feel the need to have the polite filter on) there's a backlash of 'worlds smallest violin, there are people with actual real problems'.

Agree with both your posts Sowhatifthatswhatisaid

I think on conversations sometimes it's about knowing your audience.

A high earning friend saying to a middle earning friend that they're a bit disappointed not to be doing their annual ski trip when they know the friend is likely to be able to empathise that it's become a family tradition and it's a bit disappointing to cut back on family traditions is probably going to be a fairly standard conversation. Neither of them are stupid enough to ignore the income disparity and the middle income friend is probably going to understand the intent behind their friend's sharing.

A high earning friend hearing a middle-low income friend talk about very real money stresses due to the cost of living crisis and then responds "oh darling I understand, everything is going up in price. We've had to cancel the ski break this Easter! Everyone is cutting back on things at the moment aren't they. I totally under what you mean" is either being ignorant, insensitive or both.