to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

You'll never be able to compete.

Why would you need to compete? Genuine question? Do you compete with friends who have a similar lifestyle to yours?

This seems hard having to host big lavish parties. You have to go to so much trouble whereas they can just buy in the help. This would irritate me and I would be suggesting meeting on neutral ground rather than having to host, I would find that extremely stressful and very expensive

Jealousy is one of the worst things

Its really not. Its a very common, normal emotion.

But anyway, I wouldn't want to socialise with them either op, even if they were really nice.

OP says they are nice people - surely that's all that matters? Cutting off good and supportive friendships because you don't earn as much as they do is crazy.

Yes. We do a lot of work ourselves including tidying up our messy house

That says a lot

So they don't push you to live outside your means, they are kind and they are obviously good friends as DH has maintained the friendship since school but you can't possibly be friends with them because they have more money than you?

At the end of the day this makes you jealous, petty and insecure. Imagine the rage from people if these friends didn't want to see you anymore because you are poorer.

It's pretty depressing to not be able to be friendly with anyone outside of your own tiny box.

Another example : They say let’s go on a cruise this summer. Yay! They all look up suites/Yacht clubs, discuss deals and prices. Some can’t go because they have other plans, we never go, just make excuses as we can’t afford more than balcony cabins.
The disparity is constantly there.

Have they ever hinted that they don’t enjoy your back garden parties or judged you for having less money?

Forgive me ..

I have very wealthy friends we are ordinary. I have never felt inadequate or less because of their wealth.

I like them and they like me. The girls are all so polished and I'm wearing shein. It honestly doesn't matter. You need to work on your self esteem

We would just book the balcony cabin and get on with it, it doesn't need to be complicated

Yes, but how do you think those friends might feel about you? If they haven’t got a house and garden big enough to host and can’t have a DJ because they live in a terrace? And when you chat about your couple of holidays that they can’t afford?

Would you be upset if they stopped socialising with you because they couldn’t compete?

Now that is just weird - both points in fact

Surely if OP's parties have food from a local restaurant then she is not having to "go to so much trouble"? She also said the friends don't expect them to spend a lot.

OP I think that these people sound rather nice, and you should carry on being friends with them. Simply having more money doesn't mean people have easier lives, and it seems as though these friends are happy with your company. It really isn't a competition. All of my friends are wealthier than I am - I don't even own a house - but I never feel inferior.

Jealousy is one of the worst things, it poisons the person feeling it. Only they suffer. The op is clearly jealous and comparing herself. So she will miss out on friendships because she’s eyeing up and comparing.

and I’m afraid to say it feels you suffer the same. You should be encouraging the op to try to overcome her issues, not bask in them.

Can you own it, and be more down to earth than them?

At DS' school all the birthday parties were at big play centres or halls with kids entertainers. We just had ours in the back garden with traditional party games and a homemade cake. Afterwards a lot of the parents said how much they enjoyed it 'without all the crap' (in one mum's words!)

If you don't like them as people, and think they're shallow and materialistic, that's one thing, but it would be a shame to write them off just because you feel inferior.

Suites/Yacht clubs have exclusive areas on the ship where lower grade cabin people are not allowed.

I get this. I live in an area with lots of very wealthy people. I don’t fit in. I tried at first but never clicked. They conversations are on things I don’t experience and am not interested in. You are friends with people you have common experiences with, common interests with and common values with. I don’t with these people. It’s not the wealth itself, it’s more that to get that wealthy you are likely to have a certain drive and set of values and personality. Once wealthy you are likely to have a certain set of interests and experiences. And that’s where the difference lies.

That’s not universal, obviously. I have one friend from uni who’s the richest person I know. I am still friends with him and we do still have things in common, we are interested in talking about similar things. But in general, the people I find it easier to get on with are those with a similar background or life course or interests or values to my own.

Gosh, what a sad way to live your life. Must be very limiting to rule people out for such superficial reasons. Your choice entirely, of course... you can limit your life as much as you like, but I would hate to go through life with that outlook.

Beautiful hands? If all the reasons not to want to hang out with people, this must be the oddest.

Personally I think you're being a bit ridiculous, OP.

It is sad. And the poster is egging the op on like it’s normal to discount people if they’ve more than you, and to feel jealousy so extreme you need to, to be so materialistic and to feel you actually need to compete with friends. It’s sad and horrible at the same time.

Of course you don't have to spend time with them if you don't want to, I'm sure your DH will enjoy continuing to be friends with them. I can see why it does make you feel inferior but I bet they don't even think about it, from what youve said it doesnt sound like they treat you badly? Do you have friends who are worse off financially than you, perhaps grew up working class? Do you think differently of them? If you were planning an event and they couldn't afford to go would you think badly of them? Do you actively notice their clothing and judge them on it?

You sound jealous and that this situation has dug up some insecurities - not surprisingly!

It’s up to you (both). Holidays etc, a “No thanks, we’re doing x with the kids” will suffice. Parties / meetups - sounds like you’re doing just fine, as long as you don’t resent tidying the house.

Imo it’s down to how well you enjoy the group or individuals within the group’s company. If you do, carry on. If you don’t, step back.

I personally would not limit my friendship groups depending on which tax bracket they fell in to.