to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

Why are you choosing who you socialise with based on their bank balance? Unless they wanted to go out on to places I couldn’t afford , made me feel inferior intentionally or just weren’t nice people I wouldn’t care less what their financial standing is.

Agreed only on mumsnet are millionaires friends and socialise regularly with people who work in a minimum wage job and live in social housing, you never see the Soho house crowd hanging around with Darren the carpet fitter, but on here it’s apparently perfectly normal.

I’m part of a large group of friends with different incomes. We all go camping together then the ones who are better off go on a ‘proper’ holiday each year. The ones who are really wealthy also do posh weekend couple trips etc. the reason it works is we are all different. The problem for you is they are all the same and you’re the odd one out.

Lol at all the posters saying OP is being unreasonable. People compare “up” not down, which can be a good thing sometimes as it makes us aspirational but c’mon, admit it, if you were expected to socialise with people who were considerably richer than you and had loads of lifestyle things you couldn’t ever hope to have you’d feel like shit as well. You’d want what they had, you’d compare your kid’s lives to theirs, you’d have pangs of sadness and low mood. And yeah, jealously. But don’t worry OP you’re unreasonable to feel like this because you never know, you might make about 10 new friends - who will all be millionaires

I don't understand why this seems so far fetched to you?

I am friends with people I met in my early twenties. Since then they have married so at the very least they have two incomes to my one. Some of those friends have climbed the career ladder to highly paid jobs or have a partner with a high income, or they both have high incomes to the extent their joint income is tenfold mine as I happened to stay single and not climb the income ladder.

At what point should we have parted ways given that it's apparently so weird for people in vastly different income brackets to associate with each other?

It can be difficult socialising with people who are much better off financially. It’s ok if the person is very well off but still has a normal life. I do actually have a friend who’s a multi-millionnaire (all in property) but he’s down to Earth, enjoys bird watching and doesn’t buy anything fancy.

It isn’t about jealousy - it’s about the air of superiority that these people give off. They’re usually quite dull anyway and spend the whole time talking about their houses and cars.

One of my best mates is mega rich. I felt a little awkward around it at first, but now we are just really good friends and the wealth disparity is unimportant. It only matters if you make it matter. However, it also might be that you don't like these people, in which case avoid.

This is such a reductive and two dimensional way to look at it. First of all there is a whole spectrum between Rupert, who works in finance, and Darren the carpet fitter. There are an infinite number of levels of wealth and careers in between.

And also this assumes no social fluidity or intermingling at all. Rupert may work in finance but he might have a hobby which brings him into contact with Darren and his mates at the weekend. He might have gone to primary school with Darren and kept in contact with him for 30 years. Darren might start out fitting carpets but end up furnishing Rupert's apartment in Chelsea and start his own high end luxury carpeting business. Darren might run off with Rupert's missus.

And either Rupert and/or Darren might just loathe the people they grew up with. I knew loads of people when I was younger who went to expensive public schools and spent the rest of their lives actively avoiding other people from this environment. I've had friends in my life who inherited enough money they've never had to work and friends whose parents were on benefits.

People are much more than the sum total of their financial circumstance of birth.

I know what you mean in general. It's vaguely irritating because mostly what I hear from friends like this is a lot of complaining about problems that they only have because of money - like that the kids do too many activities, their daughter needs a new horse, the nanny isn't up to scratch etc. Or how hard it is to manage the staff...

You are making a very valid point - there is a lot of evidence that being outclassed by your neighbours incomes can cause dissatisfaction and unhappiness. My youngest DS is at private school and through him, I come into contact with a lot of families like the ones you describe. I sometimes wonder if I would be happier if at least half of my friends didn't have a second home and/ or a London flat, pool, tennis court, ponies, multiple new cars, three foreign holidays a year, 2 or more children at private school. It isn't about them being nice people: its about the gulf between their circumstances and yours.

Variety is the spice of life, if everyone was the same, with similar lifestyles etc., life would be pretty boring. Please don’t undervalue yourself.

Most people who enjoy friendships with richer/ poorer friends have either met through a mutual activity they enjoy or have enjoyed the persons company in their own right first.

Its hard to be part of group you didn’t choose and have little in common with no matter how nice they are. And even more difficult when there’s glaring disparities in shared activities.

I kind of get where you're coming from. it can be uncomfortable socialising when there's a really big wealth gap. That doesn't mean you're judging them as people, just that you're experiencing life differently so conversation doesnt always flow as well.

We sent my eldest to an independent primary school (she has some additional needs, so the small class sizes were important to us). There are no scholarship/bursary children so we are by FAR the poorest. It's not a big deal and it doesn't bother DD at all. But sometimes small talk is stilted - at the school gates, some of them chat about the challenges of finding a good housekeeper.... not a conversation I can contribute to! Or they talk about holiday destinations - I haven't been abroad since my honeymoon 11 years ago. Even just chatting about what they're going to do at the weekend - they think nothing of constantly doing paid activities.

If you're life is different, conversation is harder. So it's less fun being around people. I'm amazed that some on this thread find that a really judgemental position!

You're really limiting your social circle if you only socilise with people in the same income bracket as you. Or I guess you'd feel ok socialising with people in a lower income bracket?

The op has not said that at all. The point is this group is only made up of millionaires...

Well, are they nice people? Why does it matter what they earn? I think you’re being quite judgemental to be honest.

I find it hilarious that the general mindset from some on here is that someone MUST BE 'better,' more upper class, and basically much more important human beings, and more worthy of admiration, if they have loads of holidays abroad, a £50,000 car, a big 5 bed executive home in the suburbs, designer handbags, a £2000 name brand dress (or fancy suit with a name brand,) and they 'went to a private school.'

I live in a nice rural village that has a middle class demographic, but a small number of upper class too, and a small number of working class (like myself.) There are proper rich people here ... land rich ... multi millionaires. Some inherited, some self-made.

They walk around in scruffy jeans, have a 25 year old car, the windows and the kitchen and the bathroom in the house have not been replaced for 25-30 years, and they drink in the local pub, and have a £5.99 carvery with a pint of Guinness. Why do SOME people assume that the upper classes are all 'well groomed' with designer gear, three holidays abroad every year, a £50,000 car, an Apple watch, and a 5 bed detached new-build in the suburbs? 😆(And that they all go to swanky overpriced restaurants for meals?)

Tell me you don't know any upper class people without telling me you don't know any upper class people. 😂

@AliceMay55 You are being ridiculously unreasonable. I'm friends with several single mums on benefits and also a couple of multimillionaires that live in a £2 million to £3 million mansion in the Shires. As I said, I am working class, got a normal job and a little 2 bed cottage worth 10 times less than a couple of mansions around here, and I don't give a shit how much people have - or haven't got. They are no more important than me, and no LESS important. Get over yourself seriously.

If the people are nice, you sound a terrible (inverse) snob about them.

Both those types of events sound really fun!

I think you would be unreasonable to stop socialising with them, as there is nowhere in your posts that suggests that they aren't nice people, or that they don't enjoy your garden parties. But I do not think you're unreasonable to feel the way you do, it can be difficult not to feel inferior or lacking in some way in this kind of situation (you're not though!). I think it's quite good actually that you are acknowledging you feelings and talking them through (even if some people are being a bit unpleasant to you).

@Thepeopleversuswork yes it is rare although I would argue more common when you are talking about the very rich. However that is the situation that the OP is referring too. I have a friend who was on the ST rich list, but not all my friends are on it so my situation is not the same as the OP.

Agree - It sounds like they are just not a good fit for you. People bond over common life experiences and interests. They can be perfectly lovely, but if you don't have much common ground, for whatever reason, its always going to be hard work.

You clearly don't enjoy their company. For whatever reason, it's better not to waste your precious time on something you don't like. Life is short.

I get you OP. I live / work in an area where most people are significantly wealthier than DH and I are, and I have several friendship groups that are the same. I've just spent a weekend away with one such group and it was really hard going. It's not jealousy per se - it's feeling like I don't have much in common with them, that their priorities, plans, values, aims etc in life are significantly different and that I don't fit in. I can smile and nod along but that's about it

But when it's one-to-one I barely notice this to be an issue. We talk about all the things we have in common, we connect on a more personal level, they reveal their weak spots and so do I. Individually I really enjoy the company of pretty much all these women, I value their experience and their friendship.

It's just when they are in a group I find it hard going - the conversation stays on the topics of: holidays and travelling, funding children to study overseas as international students, buying flats / property for their children, extending their own places / building swimming pools / installing aircon, their husbands heading off to the US / Brazil / Canada / India for their latest Big Important Job assignment, retirement bucket lists (all exotic), buying new EVs etc etc. I can't afford to do any of these (and a lot of them I outright disapprove of in this day and age).

So one-to one with someone I genuinely like - fine. In a group, not so easy.

They walk around in scruffy jeans, have a 25 year old car, the windows and the kitchen and the bathroom in the house have not been replaced for 25-30 years, and they drink in the local pub, and have a £5.99 carvery with a pint of Guinness. Why do SOME people assume that the upper classesare all 'well groomed' with designer gear, three holidays abroad every year, a £50,000 car, an Apple watch, and a 5 bed detached new-build in the suburbs? 😆(And that they all go to swanky overpriced restaurants for meals?)

Well, these obviously aren't OP's friends, are they? OP hasn't said that they are upper class but that they are wealthy and that they display all the trappings of that wealth. And where on earth do you get a £5.99 carvery in 2023? The thing that you have in common with a lot of the people you are talking about is that you live in the same village. The thing that OP has in common is that her DH went to school with their DH's.

I don't think OP sounds jealous at all. She must be aware that she has quite a comfortable life compared to the majority of people. But this is a group that have a lot in common, so she is something of an outlier. While they might be pleasant enough and good company, I would imagine that the conversation goes in a way that they take their good fortune for granted and OP could often feel left out. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable just coming out and saying they can't afford a cruise (and possibly a lot of other things).

OP, how does your DH feel? Do your children get on with their children? If they value the friendships and the shared activities, I would do my best to make it work.

I absolutely agree with this.^
OP spends money, time, energy to join this group. You can’t just turn up in a posh restaurant in jeans and a T-shirt so she is making an effort to dress up, to look nice . She does parties at home but they don’t come so easily for her, she probably cut on sleep before and after to tidy up etc. whereas for the rest of the group all these come easier. And then OP joins the event and has nothing to contribute to the discussions about expensive cars, cruises or other similar topics and she probably won’t be able to share her problems with them as they have very different life and very different problems. So in a way she is wasting a precious resource- her time when she could go for a walk with her DC or read a book or call her mum. We can’t fit everything in our life so we have to prioritize. Yes they are nice people so very occasionally it’s fine but regularly it’s too much of a burden.
I suspect OP’s husband doesn’t see it this way (yet) because he doesn’t carry the mental load of organising things - he probably is not the one who is organising their home parties- Op is, he can escape with less investment into appearance and he naturally has some common ground with this people from the past so the differences are not so noticeable (so far).