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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

295 replies

AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:15

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

OP posts:
ReachForTheMars · 16/06/2023 08:17

Why do you feel inadequate? I bet you're fun and kind and mean the world to your kids. You're enough as you are.

FiveShelties · 16/06/2023 08:19

Do you only judge people by their bank balance and if so you are really going to limit your circle of friends?

We have friends who could buy and sell us many many times - who cares - they are friends and to me that is all that matters.

Hazelnuttella · 16/06/2023 08:19

If you don’t enjoy socialising with them, then you don’t need to continue (regardless of the reason) so YANBU.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/06/2023 08:19

Why does it matter? Are you struggling with jealousy or what?

They're just people, and their lives will not be perfect, no matter how it might look to you on the surface. They're your DH's friends. Would it really kill you to spend a bit of time every now and then with people who happen to be a bit wealthier than you?

I have some friends who are obscenely wealthy, and others who are struggling to make ends meet. They are all fabulous people and I don't really give a shit how much wealth they have.

goldenlocks · 16/06/2023 08:21

You didn't mention if they're nice?

Interestingly I think I may cool off some friendships for this reason. They are middle class and I am .. not. Makes me feel sad seeing them hearing about piano and ponies and holidays.

EggInANest · 16/06/2023 08:22

How do you feel about socialising with people who live in terrace houses and go camping for holidays?

Original poster
AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:24

They are definitely nice people. But I just don’t fit in.

OP posts:
CaloundraBlues · 16/06/2023 08:26

Sounds like you're not even willing to try. Is it a jealously thing?

FiveShelties · 16/06/2023 08:26

AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:24

They are definitely nice people. But I just don’t fit in.

Would you have the same view if they all had less than you - or would you still not want to socialise with them?

Mojitosaremyfavourite · 16/06/2023 08:26

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/06/2023 08:19

Why does it matter? Are you struggling with jealousy or what?

They're just people, and their lives will not be perfect, no matter how it might look to you on the surface. They're your DH's friends. Would it really kill you to spend a bit of time every now and then with people who happen to be a bit wealthier than you?

I have some friends who are obscenely wealthy, and others who are struggling to make ends meet. They are all fabulous people and I don't really give a shit how much wealth they have.

Yep.
Jealousy is one of the worst things.

Cabbagesandcustard · 16/06/2023 08:27

I get you, especially if they're his friends and not yours. My three oldest friends have all married "well" and are as you describe - well groomed, private school mums with expensive cars and holidays, designer handbags and second homes. I see them occasionally and always come home to my tiny house in the suburbs feeling very unsophisticated; I don't really enjoy seeing them any more because we don't have anything in common.

wildfirewonder · 16/06/2023 08:27

There's a lot going on here.

YANBU to want to spend your social time with people you feel comfortable around. However, YABU to want to limit yourself unnecessarily.

Are these people nice? The other big question is are they mindful of asking you to do things that are within your financial comfort zone?

So I would have not problem being friends with someone much richer if they were happy to do the stuff in my bracket. I would be uncomfortable to socialise with people who kept asking me to go to Gstaad for a weekend trip, because I would feel excluded.

In terms of manners, it is incumbent on those with more money to be mindful that not everyone has their resources. Basically if they are flash Harry types who expect you to spend a lot, find new friends.

Original poster
AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:28

EggInANest · 16/06/2023 08:22

How do you feel about socialising with people who live in terrace houses and go camping for holidays?

I feel more comfortable going camping for holidays with friends rather than doing to a soho club - iykwim. I grew to middle class. I have a middle class wardrobe and middle class tastes

OP posts:
Ohdave · 16/06/2023 08:29

Kind of inverted snobbery though isn’t it, what are they like as people?

Dulra · 16/06/2023 08:29

Hard to know if you are BU or not. Do you enjoy their company? How do you feel after spending time with them?

I think the previous posts talk about "so what" if they are your friends but they aren't your friends they are your dh's friends and if you are not enjoying their company or feel a massive disconnect with them I don't think you are BU. Sometimes wealth gaps like you describe mean you have very little common ground which can leave things strained especially if you are the only one feeling that. I however wouldn't just stop socialising but maybe do it less frequently. Life's too short to spend time with people that leave you feeling inadequate or lesser which you shouldn't but you can't always control how you feel.

Emptycrackedcup · 16/06/2023 08:29

Hazelnuttella · 16/06/2023 08:19

If you don’t enjoy socialising with them, then you don’t need to continue (regardless of the reason) so YANBU.

This. It does seem dumb though if it's just based on money but fair enough if it makes you feel jealous or inadequate. Also, they sound extremely rich, it might have it's perks! 😁

the80sweregreat · 16/06/2023 08:30

I knew you'd get flamed or told it doesn't matter , but I understand what your saying.
It also depends on the people too , how they make you feel. They are bound to have a much different outlook purely because they can off load a lot of the drudge in life to other people and have the money to always look good.
They haven't the same stresses and strains in life that you have and have the time to devote to themselves. You'll never be able to compete.
It isn't always jealousy.

Fattygettingthinner · 16/06/2023 08:30

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Scalottia · 16/06/2023 08:30

Why don't you fit in? Do you only have 'poor' friends so that you don't feel bad? Do you attach your self-worth to your possessions and how many 'activities' your children do?

There are people from all walks of life in my life, rich, poor, sick, healthy. I don't give it any thought - they are friends and that's all that matters.

If they are nice then what's the issue?

Stop comparing yourself to others, it brings nothing but misery. There will always be someone with more than you, and always someone with less.

Fattygettingthinner · 16/06/2023 08:30

the80sweregreat · 16/06/2023 08:30

I knew you'd get flamed or told it doesn't matter , but I understand what your saying.
It also depends on the people too , how they make you feel. They are bound to have a much different outlook purely because they can off load a lot of the drudge in life to other people and have the money to always look good.
They haven't the same stresses and strains in life that you have and have the time to devote to themselves. You'll never be able to compete.
It isn't always jealousy.

She doesn’t need to compete. Wtf. 😂

Snowpaw · 16/06/2023 08:31

You seem to be ignoring your other attributes - the most important ones. Your personality, your sense of humour, your kind heart, your friendly face....all the things you have to offer to others that don't involve money. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Original poster
AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:31

wildfirewonder · 16/06/2023 08:27

There's a lot going on here.

YANBU to want to spend your social time with people you feel comfortable around. However, YABU to want to limit yourself unnecessarily.

Are these people nice? The other big question is are they mindful of asking you to do things that are within your financial comfort zone?

So I would have not problem being friends with someone much richer if they were happy to do the stuff in my bracket. I would be uncomfortable to socialise with people who kept asking me to go to Gstaad for a weekend trip, because I would feel excluded.

In terms of manners, it is incumbent on those with more money to be mindful that not everyone has their resources. Basically if they are flash Harry types who expect you to spend a lot, find new friends.

They don’t expect us to spend a lot. We take turns to host parties. Their turns are all at venues or in their mansions catered and entertained.

Ours are in our garden with food from a local restaurant, DIY music/DJ etc.

OP posts:
Catspyjamas17 · 16/06/2023 08:31

What are they like towards you? I've met very wealthy people who are snobby about anyone not in their stratosphere and others who are down to earth. If they are snobby and exclude you as "not one of them" then I wouldn't want to socialise with them either, but if they are fun and good to talk to then the other other stuff wouldn't matter.

Original poster
AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:33

the80sweregreat · 16/06/2023 08:30

I knew you'd get flamed or told it doesn't matter , but I understand what your saying.
It also depends on the people too , how they make you feel. They are bound to have a much different outlook purely because they can off load a lot of the drudge in life to other people and have the money to always look good.
They haven't the same stresses and strains in life that you have and have the time to devote to themselves. You'll never be able to compete.
It isn't always jealousy.

THIS ! Thanks for understanding

OP posts:
lieselotte · 16/06/2023 08:33

It's interesting that they accept you even though you haven't got the same spending power. They are clearly not as shallow as the members of my NCT group, where it was obvious we didn't fit in because we weren't rich enough (and none of them were as rich as you say your friends are).

Maybe if you are really wealthy you don't need to be a snob. It's when you are aspirational middle class that you do.

I do get it OP - when I was a trainee solicitor in a City law firm with a lot of other trainees from very wealthy backgrounds I tended to socialise with the paralegals and secretaries who came from more ordinary backgrounds as I had more in common with them.

But if they are nice people and don't patronise you, don't feel inadequate. Well, don't feel inadequate anyway. But don't let the gap in spending power spoil a friendships. In the meantime you can develop friendships with less wealthy people as well.