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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

295 replies

AliceMay55 · 16/06/2023 08:15

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

OP posts:

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 17/06/2023 18:32

goldenlocks · 16/06/2023 08:21

You didn't mention if they're nice?

Interestingly I think I may cool off some friendships for this reason. They are middle class and I am .. not. Makes me feel sad seeing them hearing about piano and ponies and holidays.

I'm middle class and can't afford any of those...

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/06/2023 18:37

Do you mean a bursary or a scholarship - bursary’s cover up to 100% of fees whereas scholarships are usually a token discount in acknowledgement of achievement.
My D.C. have all been to private schools in a wealthy part of London and there is a real mix of people from seriously wealthy very famous parents to hard working middle income couples who sacrifice holidays to fund the school fees plus a smattering of bursary kids. I haven’t found any snobbery and if anything the super-rich play it down a little. Friends are friends, it’s just not about income. I find your post odd and I can’t see the point of it.

Juced · 17/06/2023 18:45

Question is do they do things to deliberately make inferior if so then no I wouldn't spent time with them but if not then it’s maybe you that feels inferior and maybe need to work on that, friendship is friendship no matter the wage difference!

ClareBlue · 17/06/2023 19:08

I completely understand OP and the hard time you are getting from some shows a complete lack of any understanding of your position. It's actually very rare for social groups to involves members with hugely varying resources. Even ones cemented as children don't usually continue. People making out you are insecure or a snob who wouldn't socialise with someone from a council estate or a jealous freak don't get it at all. Doesn't matter how friendly and accepting they are, if you can continually not participate in the activities they want to do or have to participate at a different level, don't have the same day to day experiences, can not relate to things like entry to private schools, nanny issues, etc then you are going to feel disconnected and negative.
There some variety in resources in most social groups and it works out fine, but huge differences very rarely do, and it's really disengenious to say it is just because you are jealous.

LoisLane66 · 17/06/2023 19:17

You've no idea what goes on behind their front doors, so to speak. If they have every material thing they could wish for and all the household help they could want, that could leave them very bored and with little ambition.
Some people know the cost of everything but the value of nothing and believe me, as someone who had worked in the homes of someone very wealthy some titled personages, I could only name two who were worth their salt. The rest were snobby, bitchy families, not to me but to their other workers who were not originally from the UK.
Some had great sadness in their lives and money couldn't fix it.
Value yourself. You're every bit as good as and probably more worth talking to and having as a friend than all the rest put together.
I have friends who 'look' more upper middle class than I do (I like Primark) but the reality is that I could buy the entire private estate where they live. My ex's company built it and several other gated estates around the UK but I certainly wouldn't tell them. I'm happy and content with what and who I am.
Whatever, half of them don't even have a decent command of English language even though they were privately educated.

dcthatsme · 17/06/2023 19:24

Are they welcoming? Are they kind / interesting / fun? I don't know - I think judging people on how much money they have will mean you exclude a lot of good people from your life. If they are obsessed with ££ and labels yes I think that maybe you will find them boring given what you have said about yourself. Give them a chance and if you really feel the same way after a few months yes maybe they're not the folks for you.

HamBone · 17/06/2023 19:30

Haven’t RTFT. If you prefer not to socialize with them, that’s fine. Your DH can keep in touch with them if he wishes to.

But, I personally don’t think that varying finances need to be a huge barrier to friendships. My bff is from a v. wealthy family with trust funds, multiple houses, etc. She has no experience of real budgeting or being worried about paying bills, but we’re still close. We get on and she’s a nice person, that’s what really matter.

pollymere · 17/06/2023 19:35

Just remember that Old Money generally doesn't have it now. It's vulgar to talk about money and vulgar to wear clothes with designer labels. Just be yourself and don't feel intimidated by money. People with real class treat a duchess and a dustman the same so if they make you feel small ponder what sort of people they are.

Bugbabe1970 · 17/06/2023 19:38

Get over your insecurities
If they are nice friends then don't worry about it
There have been times when my friends have been considerably better off than me but I didn't care..they were my friends!

BrilliantDaisy · 17/06/2023 19:47

I think I really can see where you are coming from and the thing that I really get is the cruise thing. If you are the only ones in the group who can’t access that, then it is isolating.
Where we live, there are loads of vvvv wealthy city types. Some are nice and I am happy to mix with and some are knobs and I don’t.

BTMadmummy · 17/06/2023 20:01

@AliceMay55 I find your post really sad, sad for you but also for these friends of your husband.

They must want to include you both in their group. Please try to relax and enjoy their company.

I’ve said before on mn “comparison is the thief of joy” and i really feel that this relates to your situation

KatieYoYo · 17/06/2023 20:11

Yanbu

I know I'd feel like shit if I was the only unpolished, clean my own toilets kind of person in the group.

It would just make me feel rubbish about myself, and I think it's hard to have deep friendships with people who you just can't relate to on a really basic, day to day life kind of way.

But mumsnet will say you're a jealous idiot because, well, mumsnet.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 17/06/2023 20:12

My friends are about the same as us, but in DH (also now mine after 10 years) friendship circle we are actually the less well off of all parties, although comfortable. Meeting better off people comes with the job he does and he’s a nice guy so people like him.

I really like all of these people, they are lovely, genuinely friendly people regardless of what they have and our life is richer with them in it, they work hard for it all and I don’t really care what any of them have…. They deserve it.

One of them called me yesterday for a chat and disclosed he was off to look at a Ferrari this weekend I said ‘bloody good for you, you can’t keep making investments and not enjoy some of it otherwise you just begin to wonder why you work so hard’ because that’s genuinely what I thought about it!! I hope he buys it and I can have a good old nosey at it 😂

Beenalongwinter · 17/06/2023 20:26

pollymere · 17/06/2023 19:35

This is very true but old money are often found wearing a Barbour and dog walking clothes the rest of the time.
I am not sure I would describe them as polished it is difficult to be polished when dogs and horses are involved

Haugh · 17/06/2023 20:27

If you feel you don’t fit in, then it’s not for you. Your husband chose you and not one of them.

Lilacpanther · 17/06/2023 20:35

I get what you mean.

Sometimes I feel that my wealthy friends just don't get it, they have no idea how it is for people on ordinary incomes, juggling work & kids so there's less common ground.

I try to be honest & not to feel embarrassed if I'm invited on an expensive day out or trip away and I explain I can't afford it, but in reality I am. I always worry they'll think I'm hinting that I want them to pay which I would find horrifying. It's not jealousy, it can just feel awkward & difficult although it shouldn't.

Sometimes it makes me feel inadequate even though I know they don't like me less or judge me for having less income. I've had similar thoughts as you OP about not wanting to socialise with them for these reasons.

Kaiserchief · 17/06/2023 20:46

The problem lies with you, not them.

We have friends of different levels of wealth. I don’t really think anything of it. There are a million different other characteristics of someone than how much money they have. A good heart is what’s important in friendship, not how much money you have (or not) in the bank.

Alwaysmoremonththanwages · 17/06/2023 20:46

I totally get this although I am no where near middle class, I can’t cope with seeing my friends who have more money as it just brings me down listening to all the great things they do with their kids that I would love to do but could never afford. You are totally NBU.

etcher70 · 17/06/2023 21:16

God, I'd hate that, completely understand where you're coming from. Very rich people tend to have different values and little awareness of how other people's lives work. Money and privilege tend to foster a sense of entitlement.

HamBone · 17/06/2023 21:20

I know I'd feel like shit if I was the only unpolished, clean my own toilets kind of person in the group.

@KatieYoYo My bff was complaining about keeping everything tidy recently… because her housekeeper has left.
I’m being serious, she grew up with household help and has never not had it!
I don’t think she realizes that I have no experience of this. 😂

TheSnowyOwl · 17/06/2023 21:23

I don’t think it’s a jealousy thing; I think it’s hard to relate when you have such different lives and outlooks on things.

Cyb3rg4l · 17/06/2023 21:27

If you are crippled by your own insecurities to this extent it’s probably best for everyone if you leave DH to enjoy his childhood friends on his own. It’s a shame though, if you gave them a chance you might like them - DH clearly likes them and his judgement must be ok because after all he chose you!

Mumkins42 · 17/06/2023 21:52

If you don't feel comfortable and at ease then absolutely don't do it anymore. YANBU at all. There are a multitude of reasons why this doesn't work for you. It wouldn't for me. There seems to be hardly any relatability at all. That's enough, just cut yourself some slack and sack it off. :-)

Kougarchew · 17/06/2023 22:00

Op i get it . it can be hard work having to explain why you cant go out for meals, day s out , put the heating on .
I remember being in my house with severl
layers on and my rich friend called by and i felt awful as she must have known that i only put the heating on for her , but I cdnt really afford to have it on.. but i cdnt let a guest sit in a cold house. It would not occur to her before then to sit in a cold house and it just highlighted the life differnces. She also has a saying if i she something I like or discuss it .. she says if you love it get it, you must always have what you love .. as if that would give me permission sowmhow to buy it ..well it’s because I cant .. i really domt know why she says such a thing .. buy she appears to believe it .

Mrsgreen100 · 17/06/2023 22:03

My kids went to private school, my house is not detached, I don’t have a “good job”
and my car , house etc are falling apart!!
its not about stuff it’s about people
if they are good kind people, what does it matter if they live in caravan or castle
sweeping generalisation, often more to do with our own self esteem
I get it .

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