to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

It's about having things in common afaic. A vast difference in income affects all conversations you have with that person. They may be a lovely person but if their lifestyle and expectations are completely different because of income I would struggle to have a deep relationship or friendship with them. Chitchat is fine. But so many topics would be off limits to discuss with a person say living on the poverty line compared to someone who was earning a huge salary. Someone who is going to bed hungry doesn't want to listen to someone talking about the new restaurants they've tried and the luxuries they've bought.

I get this - it's not that they're not nice people, they're just clueless about the disparity.

But I think that actually makes them as bad in terms of friendship as someone who just straight up isn't nice, because it's means they don't give a crap enough to take on board that you're not wealthy and that if they want to include you then they need to actually be inclusive. They genuinely haven't even been bothered to notice. I would never do this in any of my friendship groups, all parties, nights out, etc etc are tailored to the person on the lowest budget. I wouldn't want to leave any of my friends out, they're my friends, and I do notice how they're doing!

So on those grounds YANBU, you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to be, and they sound like too much hard work to deal with. I can imagine it's quite stressful, and friendship shouldn't be stressful.

But it's not just the beautiful hands.
It is the swishy hair, the facials, manicures and pedicures. Perfect grooming , takes so much time even if you DIY.

I wouldn't hang out with people significantly wealthier than me because it'd be too expensive to hang out with them. When I was younger I had a colleague who was essentially a trust fund baby and doing the job to have something to do. I stopped going out with her very often because she always wanted to do things and go to places that were too expensive for me. A compromise was that we had park walks instead.

*I also have recently started occasionally moving in circles where people are seriously richer than me - billionaire space. (Nearly) everyone I have met is lovely and doesn't seem to judge me in anyway and is actually fairly down to earth. I don't think I could be close friends with them though as I'd worry that if I wanted a moan about how expensive something was, or saying I didn't have enough money to do something, they'd think I was after money from them. Conversely I don't think this would ever cross my mind if a friend on a much lower income had a moan about money to me!

They also (because they're not arses) probably feel like there are things they can't discuss - they're not going to mention having spent 100s of thousands on curtains in front of me, whereas with people in the same financial range they might discuss options in that price range.*

This isn't really my experience of being friends with people who earn different amounts to me. Firstly, I don't really talk about spending money or how much things cost, and neither do most of my friends most of the time.

Secondly, if it comes up I don't feel any type of way. If they refer to the cost of something and I don't identify... well, I already know we have different perspectives, so it doesn't make me feel bad or anything. (Recently a friend was moaning about house prices and how difficult it was to pull off some complex three-property chain with millions of pounds involved - so far out of my experience but an amusing insight into how people with her income live. She has an amusing turn of phrase and told it well, that's what matters to me.)

Thirdly you just never actually know people's situations. I've done a few luxurious things in my time and all the most luxurious were free, mostly through various lines of work. Most people I know well would have known or guessed this, but a casual acquaintance looking at my Insta might've assumed I had a much higher income than I do!

I think if they are nice, kind and enjoy their company you should keep seeing them.

I have mates who earn way more than me. I just cannot do everything they do. They invite me but I decline and that's fine.

When they come to my home, it is bring a bottle affair and burgers on the BBQ or spag bol - that's fine, everyone enjoys themselves and also, importantly, it's authentic to us.

You do not have to 'Keep up with the Jones'

There's a lady in the village who is loaded, lives half the year in Dubai, weekends in Monaco. She's lovely, I was at her gorgeous house the other day - she taught me to paint, she's wonderful. I love her company and she likes mine.

YANBU OP and you have my sympathy that you're getting the pile on from people whose performative niceless has deluded them to the reality of the world.

Of course it is uncomfortable to have to socialise with people constantly flaunting their wealth and making a display of their social and financial superiority and planning events you are excluded from for financial reasons like the cruise but acting like it's some kindness that they didn't invite you because they know you can't afford it.

All the idiots saying 'but would you socialise with somebody living in a council house' are ignoring that OP has access to everything a person living in a council house does and they could easily find common ground by shopping in the same stores or go to the same places, whereas these wealthy acquaintences have a lifestyle that is inaccessible to anybody other the equally super rich so it is impossible to share common ground with them as long as their ground is expensive clubs and elaborate events that cost ££££.

Then don't go on the cruise. Surely you can turn down some invitations. I have friends who do lots of things I can't afford, and I don't try to keep up with them.

This is a bit sad. People are people. I have friends who are a lot wealthier than us and friends who have very little. I love spending time with them all.

Having said that, the whole being excluded from expensive holidays is a bit tricky. Can’t you suggest somewhere cheaper for a change?

Haha. I wish I had a friend like you.

It can depend what industry you work in. If you work in the arts you often find yourself socialising with all sorts of people.

Agreed only on mumsnet are millionaires friends and socialise regularly with people who work in a minimum wage job and live in social housing, you never see the Soho house crowd hanging around with Darren the carpet fitter, but on here it’s apparently perfectly normal.

Not everyone on MN lives in the UK, and some other countries don't have such a rigid class structure.

Acquaintances can play a one upmanship game at times, I swerve where I can.

Friends, are few but we’d walk over broken glass for each other.

Wit & humour and so approx intellectual parity important & always there. We discuss things not people & belly laugh, a lot. OP life is very short, don’t sweat the material stuff. Do what makes you happy. People are people.

Agreed only on mumsnet are millionaires friends and socialise regularly with people who work in a minimum wage job and live in social housing, you never see the Soho house crowd hanging around with Darren the carpet fitter, but on here it’s apparently perfectly normal

Of course it's perfectly normal. We have friends who live in social housing and some who are multi millionaires.
People don't live in little enclaves with "Do not enter unless you have £X amount in your bank account"
The thing I find really strange is people only mix with those that have exactly the same amount of money. How is that possible? Finances can change dramatically over the years and also in an instant. What if one of your friends won the lottery, inherited lots of money, got a big promotion, started a successful business and many more scenarios? Do you tell them you can't be friends anymore?

Micky Flanagan talks about exactly this, humour & levity & inner confidence are key. We don’t do insta. Those that lord it over others or look down on them, I regard with kindness. Insecurity…

This one woman in her Maxi (remember those? 70s) & her shag pile, told her daughter not to play with the ‘common’ kids. That family could be vicious. Now I realise how ‘small’, dull & limited they were…

They're not multi-millionaires, most people who own a house fall under that category. They have millions a year as their income. I feel that's a completely different thing. Yes you could still be friends with them if you liked them and had things in common but I can also see how you might also have zero in common.

Yes that's a good way to put it, it sounds like these people are so wealthy it's a completely different world. That whole "Keeping up with the Joneses" when you don't want to, and couldn't even if you did!

If they make you feel miserable and dissatisfied about your lot then find some other friends - life is too short. I have some fabulously successful friends who are a joy and much more sociable than me - when they invite me out they book stratospherically expensive places and always find an excuse
to pick up the bill - I do sometimes wish they would choose somewhere cheaper so I could dare to reciprocate!

If these people are new to you and not long-standing friends who know you well, I’d probably be wary too. Nothing worse than feeling grumpy as a result of seeing how the other half live and doing yourself and your husband down with comparisons etc. Jealousy is a horrid emotion best avoided. You are only human. Look after yourself. It’s also very boring. My DH is guilty of a bit of this and can get a bit tedious going on about how other people have inherited large sums etc - he finds it much easier to deal with if he feels they have inherited it than if they have made it themselves. I think it’s a bit of an 80s man thing - we are thatchers children.

Billionaires then? 😁
Honestly don't have any friends then just in case they have a bit more than you.
I'll stick with my wonderful friends with their financially differences.
I always wondered why there were so many threads on MN about people who can't make friends and don't have social lives, now I know.

Agree with everything you’ve said.

Money and spending rarely comes up and I don’t automatically think “well at least you can do xyz” if I can’t afford to do something because someone else can nor do I understand the mentality for it. I have no urgings to keep up with anyone and neither do my friends. We have so many things to talk about that doesn’t involve bringing up money.

Most of the concerns seem to come from people’s own thoughts about their current situations and assuming what others will think because they would think the same if the shoe was on the other foot when that may not be the reality.

You do you. If relationships don't uplift you or make you happy then don't bother.

I have a wonderful friend who owns her own place and a property in London. She has a very good job and is very down to earth. She never makes me feel 'less' than her. If she suggested doing something and I couldn't afford it, I could just say that and she wouldn't judge me. We'd just do something else.

On the other hand, I had another great friend I had known a very long time who met a new partner who was fairly well off a while back. She always complained that his friends only ever talked about houses, cars, private schools, holidays, etc. and she felt that she didn't have anything in common with them. Fast forward five years or so and guess what she talks about? Sadly, she turned into a horribly competitive person herself and I no longer see her.

Would you socialise with someone poorer then your self?.

@AliceMay55 I totally understand. I'm sorry for some of the quib comments.

People can be very nice, kind and inclusive and still their world can be one you can't relate to. Neither of you are doing something wrong. It is just different live experiences, realities etc. Just like possibly someone who has always been on minimum wage, doesn't have GCSE's, struggles hand to mouth for generations and rents may feel out of place at your garden parties. Not because you are making them.

Of course friendships should be from all walks of life - income levels, race, religion, disabilities, sexuality. Some of my very richest/deepest/important friendships have some of the very opposite life experiences to me. But, it's not weakness to notice the things that can make you feel different or 'other'. It is human nature.

You also don't want to lose good friends. Is there a way to connect when the differences aren't quite so in your face? A coffee with one? A walk? I think sometimes connecting without visits to large estates and cartered parties can be a reminder of other things you have in common. Those are just as, if not more, important.

Hmm, it depends. I play golf and most women in my club are way better off than me (with 2nd - even 3rd - homes, flashy cars, horses etc) but the vast majority of them are great fun and not at all snobby. I have friends right across the spectrum and they are friends because I like them and we have at least some things in common. If your husband's pals are nice, welcoming and not snobbish at all I'd make the effort. If the converse is true I can see why you'd give the group a miss. Only you can truly evaluate.

YANBU - I went to school in a very posh area on a scholarship. I recently said to my parents that even if we could afford it I wouldnt send my kids to the private school nearby, they looked confused until I said it is tiring always being the poorest in the group. Not one of the poorest, but the poorest by a mile. Not poor by other people's standards, but nowhere near their level at all. So I get you @AliceMay55