to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

I have friends who are multi millionaires, others who are struggling financially and some in between.
I really value their friendship, their finances are irrelevant. How they are as people matters to me.
Don't let your insecurities around money be a barrier to all the good times you and your family could be having with these people who sound decent and nice.

This is just nuts.

People are people, whatever their income levels. You can talk about all sorts of things - kids, the weather, the latest book you've read or the last TV boxset you watched, hobbies - anything and everything.

You sound very shallow and money obsessed (especially the way you describe yourself with your large detached house, so what?!). I have a feeling you'd much rather have friends with less money so you could lord it over them. It;s quite sad.

I have lots of friends with different financial backgrounds and I probably sit in the middle, they're friends because they're lovely people and we get on well, that's all that matters. It seems you have a different idea of what a friendship is about/for.

I would happily socialise with a friend living in a council house. If I want to propose holidaying with them, I’d propose camping. Not cruising. Get my point?
To our friends’ defence, it’s perfectly reasonable that they were looking at suites for the cruise ship. Everyone else can comfortably afford that, except us.

"I grew to middle class. I have a middle class wardrobe and middle class tastes"

What actually is a working class wardrobe and tastes?

You have described having a really lovely life OP. Don't let comparison be the thief of joy. I probably would distance myself from them just like I would distance myself from you. Lives can be to different and depending on our mental health in that particular life season it can be best to just do what makes you feel comfortable (like socialising with people like you).
When you don't feel so run down and tired you may feel up to broadening you social circle.

It's just not your scene. Nothing wrong with that.

Ok, so you take turns, and they still come to yours, right? Which suggests that they aren't shitty people I can't help but feel that by distancing yourself, you're on course to limit both yours and your children's lives. Learning to get on with and feel confident with people from all walks of life is an essential life skill.

I would class myself as working middle class. I have friends across the financial spectrum - a couple who are wealthy, most who earn less than me. The common denominator is that they are all great people, and real friends. If your husband's friends don't tick those two boxes, then sure, ditch them, but if they do, you could be missing out on some great, lasting friendships.

Well bloody invite them camping then….?

This is the thing... people naturally talk about their life and what they know. I dislike spending a lot of time with wealthier people...it's not jealousy as such...it's the fact that it is hard to join in with the discussions. Its the fact that they see their way of life as the norm rather than the exception.

If they're otherwise good company but it's the disparity in wealth, house size etc. that you just can't help feeling bad about, then could you find ways to socialise with them in contexts where this is less apparent? We have friends who are a good bit better off than we are (perhaps not millions a year level, but private schools, several expensive holidays a year incl. skiing etc., swimming pools in their homes...).

We tend to go to (cheap or free) festivals with them, get together in the pub to watch sporting events, go for walks or picnics, or go away camping at weekends. We also meet at each other's homes, but if this made us uncomfortable we could just focus on the other stuff.

I could understand if your own life was lived payday to payday or something. But you clearly have a very nice lifestyle yourself (certainly more affluent than mine!) so I don't really understand the problem.

My two best 'mum friends', I met at NCT classes. I was struggling to make ends meet, they were wealthy (think horses etc). It made no difference to our friendship at all. They were absolutely normal and felt no different from me in our usual getting together settings, even if their houses were huge compared to mine. There were elements of our lives that made me think I was the lucky one. For instance their husbands earned big money because they were often away. My DH was home at 5 and helping me with our little ones. My rich friends were often managing their children alone. It's not all about money.

The only time I felt slightly out of it was when one of them had a party that I went to, and being surrounded by very smart and glossy people made me feel a dowdy and unconfident. I tried to strike up conversation with some of her guests but was largely ignored. So part of me can imagine that you might have been in a similar situation, but if the friends themselves are nice and accepting of you, them I wouldn't withdraw from them.

I must be honest here and add my two penneth. I prefer to mix with people on a similar level to myself. I cannot match their income level and they have no understanding in my experience.

Occasionally would be ok for me but not all the time.

Personally I would still socialise with them and hold your own. When topics of holidays come up, say ‘bit out of our league budget wise’. Own it, you are who you are, you’ve got a lovely family and are doing well with a lovely home and cars. 2 clubs per child is absolutely plenty. I get the disparity and understand a bit of jealousy - that’s normal. I’ve got some friends who are far more wealthy, but I’ve also got some who are totally skint, we’re doing well and I treat all of them the same.

Turn this on its head and pretend you're the one with the multi-million pound bank balance and they are living in social housing.

I'm just imagining what it would sound like if you'd posted that you weren't comfortable with people because they were significantly poorer than you.

I know this isn't a perfect analogy and feeling socially insecure isn't the same thing as feeling too confident and that people are below you. But the idea that you reject people because of their wealth or demographic (as opposed to something intrinsic) depresses me a lot and it's something I think we as a society really have to fight.

I'm in a not dissimilar situation to you: my DD is at a private secondary school. I'm a lone parent and the cost of the school fees is a lot for me. I'm not struggling, exactly, but I've had to cut back on a lot of discretionary spending and I "feel" the cost a lot more than most of the parents at the school do.

My DD's new friendship peer group at this school is quite broad: a couple of girls are on scholarships and are less well off than me but most of them are pretty affluent with large townhouses and multiple kids at private school, several foreign holidays a year etc. I am visibly less well off than most of them.

I deliberately and consciously don't give a shit about this and I insist on having the right to socialise with whomever I choose.

I feel really strongly that I'm not going to be made to feel inferior or insecure because of my wealth. Partly because I'm bloody minded like that. Partly because I've had friends through my life across the social spectrum and I think it really enriches you knowing as many different types of people as possible. The idea that everyone has to stay in their appointed class lane is a recipe for restrictive class stratification which limits all of us.

But mainly because I am fucked if my daughter is going to grow up feeling she can't socialise with certain people because they have bigger houses and more stuff. I want her to feel that she will be at home wherever she chooses to. If people reject her because she's either too wealthy or too poor that is most definitely a "them" problem, not a "her" problem.

Being socially anxious about these situations is entirely understandable. But removing yourself from certain groups because you think people are different from you sets a dangerous precedent.

Maybe you should just tell them how you feel. They definitely won’t want to ever see you again after they hear how awful you find them and everything they represent. Problem solved. 😂

Why even think about it? You choose to obsess over nonsense.

Parties in the garden "with food from a local restaurant"? Sounds like your parties already have a much bigger budget than mine, which are strictly "sausage on the BBQ, bring a bottle" affairs.

How does your husband feel about you not wanting to socialise with these good friends of his? By your own admission they've not been unpleasant in any way to you.

Other than that, I suppose it's up to you who you socialise with.

It's difficult when there is little shared culture/ interest within a group dynamic. If you're always having to decline holidays or events because they're not logistically viable (can be cost, can be other factors like timing, family stage, skills) then you're not fully immersed in the rest of the group dynamic. You're not involved in the planning, the doing and the memories.

It doesn't mean that anyone's a bad person or jealous.

Very mixed groups are often easier than when there is a dominant culture of most people being evenly matched creating outliers.

Do you have friends who are significantly less well off than you, OP? How would you feel if they decided that they were uncomfortable being around you and visiting your lovely four bedroomed house, and attending a party in your garden where you can afford a DJ, and withdrew from the friendship?

It sounds more like they are your husband's friends, not yours and if that is the case they are acquaintances not friends. If it were your own friends, presumably it wouldn't matter.
I always think if you come away from a social interaction feeling crap, it is a sign that those people are not your tribe. Life is too short to spend it with people who don't make you feel better. Let your dh continue with the friendships - I would cut and run.
...and unless you are St Theresa of course you will make a comparison and it will sting.

But mainly because I am fucked if my daughter is going to grow up feeling she can't socialise with certain people because they have bigger houses and more stuff. I want her to feel that she will be at home wherever she chooses to. If people reject her because she's either too wealthy or too poor that is most definitely a "them" problem, not a "her" problem

Well said. Its teaching kids that they arent good enough and that if they end up making a lot of money in their adult life, people will reject them because of it. Thats an awful message.

Absolutely.

Seriously, you are so fortunate to compared to 90% of people (if not more) so really, stop obsessing about this group that are clearly in a tiny minority. Whether they are nice people is far more important. And for goodness' sake, appreciate what you have.

I think people are overlooking the fact that all the others are in a similar position hence why she feels she doesn't fit in. Of course we all have friends who are richer than us but when a group is made up of only people living a very different life of course there will be a bit of a gulf.

Why are you just focusing on aesthetic/ surface level? If you enjoy their company, that’s what matters. If not, don’t see them. Grass is always greener as well - I have met many rich people who are far from happy