to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

I agree with this. Obviously we all have friends who are richer and poorer than us, but these people seem in a totally different league. It would be fine if you were just socialising at home, but I can imagine if they were going out alot it might be hard of not impossible to keep up ie if they're all flitting off to the Maldives for the weekend, then the Bahamas the next.

But the OP said they didnt expect them to engage in expensive activities so this doesnt apply does it? She said they dont expect them to spend a lot so its not about that, its about OP's feelings of jealousy.

Massive chip on your shoulder, combined with insecurity and probably a bit of low self-esteem.

Until you work on yourself, this issue will never resolve itself.

There will always be people richer than you, better looking than you, more beautiful hands 🤔than you, slimmer than you, curvier than you.

Are you going to compare yourself to everyone as you go through life?

Sounds like they enjoy your garden parties, don't sound snobby, enjoy your company etc.

How do you think your husband would feel if you said I don't want to ever socialise with your friends with more money than us - go on your own.

Seems a bit of a selfish act, just because of your feelings of inadequacy

If they are DH’s friends, though, and he likes them, then surely you sort of have to make the effort. Assuming they aren’t overtly horrible in any way. Not to spend loads of time with them, but some.

It can be good for your kids to be raised with a variety of different friends - better off and less well off than them.

Its natural time feel a bit left out of these things of course but I think you need to make the effort

You sound a bit obsessed with money and status. You're clearly doing OK despite your kids 'only' doing 2 activities etc. Maybe focus on what really matters.

Why don't you just tell them. That it all makes you feel inferior because you can't afford it.

i don't know why it would irritate you. I would love it. I would love to have wealthy friends who were so generous as to host lavish parties to which I was invited. The group seems to accept OP and their family just as they are. OP is lucky.

I get your point that their lives feel so different from yours: the domestic drudgery and juggling bills is gone.

But dc at school have same problems & joys - friendship groups, getting into teams, embarassing mistakes, someone being mean, wierd interests, screen time rules, not eating vegetables, etc
Work has pressures and long hours and a need for boundaries and annoying colleagues and bosses who are inept and promitions you worry about, job security, unfairness, office politics, or whatever.

OK, holidays and restaurants and hairdressers will differ completely. So either dont bring those topics up, listen and make smiley noises until the chat moves on, or change them, or just join in "ooh, Ive always thought Botswana would be amazing, which places are you going to there?".

Having "staff" surely just means you dont have to clean your house and mow the lawn, but those arent normal topics of conversation anyway.

The thing I find with people like this (even if they're genuinely nice people) is that they don't often realise their privilege or see it as anything other than totally normal. This is what I struggle with. My friends and relatives don't sound as wealthy as these people but they are definitely more wealthy than me. The constant discussion of their endless holidays and home renovations gets very jarring...they are usually totally oblivious to any other way of life.

So, I take from this you can only be friends who are in the exact same bracket as you financially, or people poorer than you because it makes you feel better about yourself? thats not a very nice attitude and is a very limited way of making "friends".

I have a friend who is struggling financially. She often seems very self conscious and apologetic. She assumes that I am judging her home, her family etc on the grounds of what they can/can't afford. It's really sad because it's in her head. When you like someone you don't notice trivial things like that. If anything you just want to help out and alleviate their stress. You just want to see them happy.

Just to clarify, these people are nice. I’d happily socialise and enjoy their company if they went on a centreparcs vacation with us, or a beach trip or meeting up for lunch with families at pizza express.

The way you talk about yourself and your family is so sad.

Imagine if this post was reversed? 🤔

You have “good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc”
That is the life most people only dream about having. You have a very comfortable life OP yourself. Would you not want to socialise with a friend who was a minimum wage earner who relied on Universal credit and lived on council estate because of the “financial disparity”? Or is it just people who are wealthier than you?

I don’t see what the problem is as long as they are nice people who treat you well and you get on with? Yes I can understand you might not be able to relate if they are talking about their nannies, cooks and what a pain it is having to find the time to visit little Horatio at boarding school.

It these are not good people, then don’t socialise with them. If them making you feel bad about yourself is the only reason then I would think that’s an issue you have to deal with yourself.

Another one who thinks you are being a bit ridiculous OP. From what you’ve written, they sound like a nice group and it would be a shame for your DH to take a step back because of your insecurities.

Although you can’t compete with these friends in terms of wealth, you are clearly in a decent financial position compared to a lot of other people. How would you feel if some of your other friends didn’t want to see you anymore because they only live in a flat and couldn’t throw the big garden parties you can?

This^. I voted NU because I understand where you're coming from. The poster who derided cruising as a wealth indicator appears to be unaware of ££££ 7 star cruise lines/suites with a butler etc. It's not just the cost of the cruise though, but the added cost of the land trips.
No matter how nice they are, these people would have had experiences of meals in Michelin star restaurants that cost the same per head as a flight to the Caribbean, holidays in places like The Maldives, expensive hobbies etc. It's not jealousy, but not having the same experiences in common, that is making the OP uncomfortable and possibly unable to contribute to conversations.
If workable, just let your husband maintain the friendships and do what makes you happy.

I think this is you overthinking. Would you socialise with friends who live a less wealthy life than you? I judge the person, not their bank balance or lifestyle.
DC1 is getting married next year. His fiancee is from a wealthy family, think being gifted £60,000 cars and a house. I don't try to compete with her family. She is not a snob and doesn't look down on us because we're very average as a family. It's not her fault she has had financial advantages in life we could only dream of. Would you cut off a daughter in law because of a quirk of birth?

I mean, a couple of the families we are friends with are almost stunningly rich, think old money and aristocratic piles in the countryside!! They are really lovely. We just go for coffees and normal stuff.

But I do know a few people richer than us, more like lawyer who is a partner in the city rich type stuff, and some of them I don't get on with because like you say their interests are very Soho House - ish. Which I personally find boring and pretentious so I'm not into that. But not judging it's what they enjoy. I guess it's just similar interests more than wealth.

You don’t sound jealous op. It sounds like you just don’t all fit together. It also grinds you down when it always has to be you not doing something or asking for an alternative because you can’t afford it. Gets a bit soul destroying and can make you feel embarrassed.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you don't have to do it!

It's hard work socialising with people where you don't have much in common, so you don't feel able to relax. But they probably do have nice parties/ BBQs so I would say it's worth going along occasionally and enjoying their hospitality :)

It's a chip on your shoulder though. Ive been in similar situation around far wealthier individuals, but my perspective was a feeling of pride. That I had what I had through my own means and how hard I work to maintain my family wellbeing and home single handedly. The only point of envy was purely the kids having their own bathroom. I was super proud of my family dynamic in comparison so never felt beneath them. I never ever want my child to ever feel they are beneath any other human life and they are equally valid.

I think the more you hang around them, the more you will see that they may not be happy, and could feel inadequate to you in that you don't need a nanny to look after your children, or in your relationship with your partner :) speak to your partner? Has he got any of these feelings?

@the80sweregreat has explained it very well.

If you don't feel comfortable socialising with them, you don't feel comfortable.

That might be due to the imbalance of wealth between you or it just may be that you don't fit with the immaculately turned out group of women, no matter how nice they are.

Personally, I would feel the same - not because of the money, but because the ethos of looking perfect just doesn't fit with me. I take care over my appearance when I need/want to, but for a gathering of my closest friends, you're more likely to find us all clutching glasses of wine and wearing pyjamas without a scrap of makeup between us.

As you have kids OP, I'd suggest you're "busy" with them for a few gatherings but maybe still go to a couple.

I understand as well. We used to live in a middle class area in a foreign city. The parents of our child's friends were lovely. Really kind people. But they did have more money than us and many of the mums stayed at home, worked part-time or earnt shitloads.

We had less shared experiences to talk about. Just less in common. Property (even swimming pools), eating out in expensive restaurants, fancy holidays and tech were conversations that we just couldn't contribute too. My social are lacking definitely (actually i used to feel pretty shit about myself sometimes - i suffer from social anxiety).

After a while, i just wanted to hang out with mates in the same boat as us in life. Easier and more fun.

I wouldn't want to socialise with them either OP, no matter how nice they are. I'd have literally nothing in common with them.