to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

Vast majority of people are friends with people who are similar to them. Yes, there's always outliers but generally Rupert who works in finance, lives in Chelsea and has a weekend place in the Cotswolds isn't spending his weekends socialising with Darren who lives in a council flat and fits carpets.

And do you invite them to any of these types of activities? Would they turn their noses up if you did? Doesn't sound like it from their description

It sounds like the issue is you're a bit of a passenger in the friendship group. Take a bit of control if activities are out of your reach (which it sounds like is the main problem?). Try setting up a Centre Parcs weekend away as you suggest or some days out?

Seems a shame if they are nice people who also enjoy your company. Almost like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face

op are you jealous?

I don't understand the jealously accusations? Not feeling like you fit in doesn't mean you are jealous!

I think I can understand how you feel, OP and YANBU at all.

They are in no way better people than you just because theyre wealthy, but there has to be a connection, something in common, a similar outlook, lifestyle etc for there to be a friendship and it sounds like you just don't feel that here.

I completely understand OP. I think it’s important to have things in common with your friends. Your partner can still be close friends with them, but it doesn’t mean you need to be. Life is too short to spend feeling uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound like you’re jealous at all. As nice as they may be, it just sounds like you’d like to surround yourself with people who you have things in common with.

I was a single parent on benefits in a council flat and then on a NWW job with no car but I was still friends with lots of different people.

Of course it is human nature to be a bit jealous of people who have a much easier life than you but money isn’t everything and I was always seen as the fun mum who everyone else’s kids wanted to be around and they definitely envied my relationship with my child.
For birthday parties they’d spend hundreds on getting professional entertainers in and caterers bringing fancy food.
For mine we had cold pizza, pineapple and cheese sticks crisps etc and played party games and had water fights etc which the kids enjoyed way more.

They are all lovely people and I wouldn’t judge them for their finances, just like I wouldn’t want anyone judging me.

You are far wealthier than I am and you’d have an easier life because of it but I wouldn’t not want to be friends with you over it.

The weather 😂

Yes of course it's possible to make small talk with anybody. But even that small talk will be coming from a different perspective...crap weather - this isn't going to impact somebody as much when they have several holidays to look forward to. Kids - if theirs are at private school and have nannies that limits the common ground of conversation.

My time is precious so I'd rather spend it with people I have something in common with than having to scrabble around making small talk about the weather or TV.

I live in a terrace and definitely don’t go camping. Only know people in semi detacheds that go camping.

Stupid comment.

By this rationale, the OP in her detached house and multiple cars and regular holidays wouldnt have much in common with someone who lived in social housing and was a single mum. Does that mean she should not be friends with such a person as they also "have nothing in common"?

How do you feel about socialising with people who live in terrace houses

I assume the poster who wrote this doesn't live on London. There are terraced houses which cost tens of millions in certain areas.

Why do you have to fit in though? Can’t you just be you?

I divide people into: interesting and nice and not interesting/nice. Money doesn’t come into it.

Wow. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? What a horrible thing to say. You could have left off the last three words but instead you thought you'd give someone who's clearly feeling a bit vulnerable and out of her depth a good old verbal kicking.

As an aside, I don't really understand why so many people are expressing the faux-naivete about having friends in different socio-economic groups. It's the norm. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. Fine if you're happy with it, but it makes OP uncomfortable, whether that logical or not.

I find there is a disconnect when I'm with wealthy people, and I end up having to keep my mouth shut. A friend recently was saying how the gardener costs £300 for the morning but there's not actually that much that needs doing, so he fiddles about to justify his time. (Just because they're rich, doesn't mean they like wasting it!) I can't feel a connection. Some are snooty, of course, and make stupid comments about people not wanting to work. I don't think the OP is jealous. Find people you feel comfortable with, OP. Likely there are some in this group, but not others.

I get you, OP. It’s not a jealousy thing.

I have something similar, work in a company surrounded by wealthy people who went to private school.

I’m from a poor immigrant family who had FSM as a child.

I realise this is mostly down to my own insecurities but when I have let slip details of my life or my parents’ lives, these people are nice but the rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights look on their face makes me realise I can’t be friends with home out of work events.

People saying it’s down to jealousy just don’t get it.

Someone being nice and pleasant is not enough of a basis for a friendship ...so whilst they maybe nice people that doesn't mean the op will enjoy being friends with them.

I get the difficulty especially when it's a group and you're the 'odd one out' because of the way the conversations will go. They are friends, but you feel a bit of an outsider. It can happen when people have kids, or get married and you are single, or buy houses and you still rent. All kinds of things like that. It doesn't mean you don't like them or they are not friends, but the disparity can be 'felt' quite keenly.

Exactly people are really giving the OP a hard time. People do feel left out if everyone in there group has a baby but they are still trying or everyone owes but they are still renting.

I worked in fashion for years when I was younger & despite being slim I did feel pressure to eat a certain way & become slimmer because I wanted to fit in. I'm not going to chow down on a burger when my boss & colleagues are eating salads. Nothing to do with jealously, I liked my body but I just wanted to fit in. That meant being able to fit into the sample clothes!

If you feel the need to compare or compete then you aren’t really friends in the first place.
If you mean you can’t afford to socialise with them because they always want to do something expensive then your feelings are understandable but I have friends much better off than me and we just go to each others houses.
Being wealthy doesn’t mean people don’t have hardships or stress either.

YANBU. If those people make you feel uncomfortable - you shouldn't hang out with them.

I totally relate to what you’re saying. But the only difference is that I’m the person in a group of people like you and I’m the one who’s poorer.

So whilst they dress in Hush clothes, meet up at Center Parcs and have 2 nice holidays a year, I’m the one wearing George at Asda, camping and meeting friends for a walk and a brew made at home.

When I socialise with my friends like you, I’m always privately feeling the pinch of jealousy and feeling less well put together and having a less shiny life.

So I totally understand you, I feel it too. I just wanted to show you that it’s all relative.

As PPs of said, both of us need to work on our own ‘stuff’ (jealousy, inadequacy, etc) and enjoy our friends for who they are (or drift and focus on other friends if fundamentally we don’t enjoy their company).

Obviously we all have friends who are richer and poorer than us, but these people seem in a totally different league.

Exactly, if everyone in a particular group is a multi millionaire of course you are going to feel different.

There is absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest she is unpleasant or jealous, either.

Quite.

Its quite striking how many people are quick to jump in with, ‘well that’s like…’ even when it clearly isn’t, which they could tell if they actually exercised a little comprehension skills and empathy when reading the OP.

Posters are really unfair.

I feel lucky when I have generous friends with seemingly unlimited means, because we get invited to amazing events, my children get opportunities they wouldn't have with us.
I can also talk freely about holidays or anything, and it never feels like I am bragging because they just add a 0 to my budget for their own, it's very refreshing😂

If it makes the OP feel inadequate, it's ok to take a step back. It's easy to laugh about "jealousy", but when you are busy, exhausted, feeling guilty that you can't afford everything you'd like for your kids, and you are surrounded by people with unlimited help, it's disheartening.

That said, the frequency of the socialising matters. If it's only a couple of times a year, I'd enjoy the gatherings. These days you can go anywhere in the world "rich people" go to, just on different budgets, it's interesting to have different views, you can afford a "couple of nice holidays" yourself anyway.

I think if EVERYONE me was stratospherically rich I would feel awful.

I have friends from wealthy backgrounds and know people from those backgrounds (some lovely some not as with every group) but being the only middle class person in a very wealthy group would be difficult for me.

Especially if kids were asking 'why can't we afford to go there? Why don't I have as many toys as?'

I think it depends on if you want to hang out with them or if it's making you feel really awful.

No need to feel awful especially if they're your husbands friends not yours.

It's standard Mumsnet unfortunately.