to not want to socialise with people significantly wealthier than us

[AliceMay55]

DH reconnected with his old mates a few years ago and we started socialising with this group. it has now started to impact me. They are all quite wealthy (he went to a very posh school on scholarship). We are ok financially. We have good jobs, a large detached house in the suburbs, nice cars, a couple of nice holidays a year etc, These friends are in a different league all together (say a few million a year income types).
We have a busy life with 3 kids. we have limited help. So I’m constantly busy, knackered, my kids don’t do many activities (just 2 each) and I look tired. On the other hand, the women in this group are doing very well professionally, have nannies/mothers help/cleaners, beautiful hands, lovely hair, designer clothes/bags, always look perfect. All their kids go to private schools, have a lot more “stuff” than our kids. We all just stand out like that.
AIBU to not want to socialise with the group anymore, just because of the very obvious financial disparity? DH can socialise if he wants;

That’s ok, OP. I don’t socialise with people who are significantly poorer than us.

What's wrong with staying in a balcony cabin?

This
Jealousy is such a horrible spirit because it can cause people to self sabotage.
Op you said that these people are decent people yet you don’t want to be around them because they are very wealthy.
You are the one with the problem.
Tbh it is probably a good idea for you to keep a distance because they are probably aware of your insecurity which may be uncomfortable for them.

Yeah that would suck, I can sympathise. Unless they have their own yacht and happy to take you, that's the up side!

Cruising? Oh now everyone will be thinking they aren’t as posh as you made out. 😁.

I think half the problem is the stage of life. It’s hard to make conversation when all your points of reference ( house, kids, schools, holidays ) will be similar but so different. Also no one wants to be the tired, harassed mum in a sea of shiny hair and manicures.

Once everyone is older and the kids have gone it’s less formulaic.
Maybe stick with it if your DH likes his mates.

I sort of understand. We’re a “rung down” compared to you. Really financially struggling, no holidays, one car on its last legs, house a state but no money to repair and certainly not a lovely a lovely detached house in the suburbs.

I have friends who are probably in your bracket in terms of finances. It can be a bit “grin and bear it” listening to them moan about the cost of living while in the same breath talking about their Christmas holiday to Mexico or building a sauna in their back garden. While the plaster is literally falling off the walls in our house but we can’t afford to get it redone atm. But that kind of chat isn’t all they talk about and they’re lovely people, generous with time and friendship, don’t expect us to spend loads or keep up with them nor look down on us when we can’t.

If these people are decent and nice, make you feel included and don’t care about your financial status, I think binning them off on position alone is silly. How would you feel if some didn’t want to be mates with you just because had more money than them?

You of course don’t have to socialise with anyone you don’t want to, but I would hope your husband still had the opportunity to socialise with his friends still if he doesn’t have the issues you do.

Are these people kind? Does conversation flow? Do you get on?

In my friendship groups, there's huge differences in salaries and life styles...
Some own their home outright, have large amounts of expendable income
Some have a few properties, Money invested but cash poor
Some live in council houses
Some live at home with their parents
Some privately renting

How much someone earns or has in the bank, isn't a deciding factor to whether I'd hanging out with them & be friends with them

Everyone is right, this doesn’t flatter you because you’re dismissing them as friends due to their social status. Would you do the same if they were poorer than you and lived on run-down housing estates?

Your DH doesn’t care, they don’t care, the only person making a thing of it is you. I would really examine your conscience and think about why that is.

I think if you can afford a nice house, holidays, parties with food from a local restaurant, DIY music/DJ etc and cruises with a cabin then you and your husband are doing very well for yourselves OP. Be proud of that and stop comparing.

Comparing material things never made anyone happy.

If you like these people continue to enjoy their company. If you don't like them, then move on.

I get what you mean. My dd goes to a private school (due to SEN) but we live in a small, scruffy semi-detached house that we can’t afford to do work on, we drive a very ordinary car, have to really watch our spending and our holidays are UK camping holidays. I often feel like I have little in common with the other school mums, who are generally civil and friendly but live very different lives. It can be hard to join in conversations unless it’s something totally unrelated to our everyday lives (news, politics etc… but even then our views are often different because of circumstances). I like them, but can’t imagine spending lots of time with them, and to be honest they probably feel the same about me.

It’s also quite normal for friendship groups to be based on people you can actually afford to socialize with. These people seem quite ostentatious with their wealth, and it’s perfectly normal to move away from a friendship group you can’t afford/ or struggle to socialize with.

You're not obliged to socialise with anyone, and can withdraw from friendships for ANY reason (would it make it at all awkward for your husband if you never show your face)?

It seems a shame though, if you like these people. And I'm not convinced your reason for withdrawing is any better than a person who doesn't want to socialise with a friendship group any more because they're all POORER than she is.

There will always be people with more than you and those with less than you.

What matters is are they nice, do you have fun, do you like each other. Everything else is irrelevant. Doesn’t matter if one drives a Ferrari and one a Ford escort.

Some of the snobbiest people I know earn a hell of a lot less than the couple who order flaming Sambuca shots at parties for everyone and party hard when the children are not there. Next week they might be staying in a floating “tent” in Thailand with staff or on safari in Africa. The following week his got the children at the banger racing.

It’s bigger picture than bank balances and holidays.

You sound awful and if they read this i suspect they wouldn't want to be your friend either. You basically don't want to be friends eith your husbands schoolfriends becuase they have more money than you. If its not an issue for your husband it shouldn't be one for you.

What you need is to make some new friends, ones who are living on minimum wage, live in charity shop clothes, can’t afford to put petrol in the car, dream of a weeks caravan holiday in December in Skegness.

If you still like them as people then great you know now how your rich friends feel about you.

But if. you only like them because they boost your ego and make you feel morally and socially superior , then maybe you need to redefine your definition of what friendship is about.

I get the difficulty especially when it's a group and you're the 'odd one out' because of the way the conversations will go. They are friends, but you feel a bit of an outsider. It can happen when people have kids, or get married and you are single, or buy houses and you still rent. All kinds of things like that. It doesn't mean you don't like them or they are not friends, but the disparity can be 'felt' quite keenly.

Two thoughts:

You may find it easier meeting with couples individually for dinner parties or whatever (eg you & dh and one of the couples) - it stops it being 'everyone else and then us' in the conversations- it's just you and them. Maybe suggest that to your DH?

Remember it's incredibly easy to see how much better everyone else is doing on paper - but they will encounter all of the difficulties of relationships, illness, concern over kids growing up, loss of loved ones etc in just the same way. The 'important' stuff isn't about money. It's really easy to assume they live happier lives - they are just different situations, some stresses are gone but everything is relative and other stresses comes along - probably including how to negotiate friendships with more 'normal' people.

I really think it's a shame to close a friendship due to this so hope you can push through :)

You are clearly not comfortable with the group, so no YANBU. It doesn't matter the reason, and I think I understand your feelings.

*how do you think those friends might feel about you? If they haven’t got a house and garden big enough to host and can’t have a DJ because they live in a terrace? And when you chat about your couple of holidays that they can’t afford?

Would you be upset if they stopped socialising with you because they couldn’t compete?*

Exactly. How would you feel if your friends with less money than you, terraced houses etc, decided they couldn’t be friends with you due to the disparity?

If everyone shared your attitude, the end result would be that you’ll only be able to hang out with people who have exactly the same income/assets as you. Which would be rather narrow and limiting.

There are a lot of people here saying ‘ there are lots of people of all incomes in my friendship group and it’s fine!’ But that is not even remotely the situation OP has described. She is talking about a group of people who are all at the same very high income level and who all enjoy very expensive socializing. It feels really disingenuous that people are pretending that this makes no difference to one’s ability to be friends with this group. Of course it does? Who wants to be friends with people you have to extend yourself financially to spend time with, or constantly turn down invites everyone else but you can afford to do, and which conversations revolve around the planning of? I don’t think many people would choose that friendship group when you can invest your limited time in other people you have more in common with.

Unless these people are snobbish and braggy, I think YABU. You've said they are decent people who dont expect you to engage in expensive activities so why are you judging them solely on their finances?

Thats all on you, not them and it might be worth examining what perceptions you are holding thats behind this. Of course you dont have to hang out with someone you dont want to but if the only reason is how much money they have then I think thats frankly, really sad.

If everyone shared your attitude, the end result would be that you’ll only be able to hang out with people who have exactly the same income/assets as you. Which would be rather narrow and limiting

Exactly. OP- you have said you are fairly comfortable yourself, how would you feel if a friend didnt want to hang out with you due to your detached house?!

The only reason I would want to leave the group is if they were unkind to me in any way. The money isn't the most important factor of whether you should socialise with them or not. It's of greater importance imo that you feel welcomed into the group and that they are kind to you. If members of this group exhibit these good qualities then all the other stuff (the self consciousness, the feeling of inadequacy) is all in your head and you can overcome that by working on accepting yourself as you are.

I haven't read the whole thread but I could probably say the same thing about you.

I live in a council house, which is clean but a bit shabby, and I have a low paid job (which I adore!) and I don't have the money to spend on myself. My hands are rough from chemicals and animal scratches and also mud from my allotment which I can't seem to ever get off properly. I also seem to always have some dog or cat hair upon my person somewhere!

So, if I saw your big detached house and multiple cars (I don't have a car) I'd think the same about you as you do about your husband's friends.

If OP and her middle class friends were mates with someone on minimum wage/ benefits yet expected their socializing to suit the middle class pockets rather than the minimum wage persons, I think they should expect to lose that person as a friend, yes.

It’s all very self obsessed in a way, just talk about the usual stuff with them or do they only talk about money and moisturised hands?