Starting to resent my partner for his messy house. AIBU?

[crabtheway]

My partner inherited his grandfather's house in November. The house was built quite some time ago, has insufficient insulation, and has grown quite damp with extensive mould growth as a result of being kept idle. The pillows we sleep on are even covered in mould.

I've tried to be pleasant and respectful to my partner because he lets me stay in his home on weekends, but since I started sleeping over every weekend, I've discovered that I'm becoming prone to any and all illnesses.

I asked if I could stay over on Friday and clean his entire house while he was at work, and he was more than eager to oblige. The truth is that I'm starting to resent him as I feel disgusted and physically sick by his living conditions. AIBU?

Before anyone asks, yes, I have discussed it with my partner several times, but he always had an excuse and didn’t want to spend his days off cleaning. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom over three weeks ago and he still hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher, and the mess returned within a few days. He has no underlying issues but is rather a lazy individual who smokes weed 24/7.

When I told my mam about my weekend plans, she objected strongly that I clean his house and reminded me that I am his girlfriend, not his cleaner. My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well.

He said if I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ and my heart sank a little reading his message. After speaking with my mum, I don't want to clean his house, but I feel I have little choice because I can't live in a messy environment any more, and I'm coming to resent him for his clutter. AIBU?

You said you'd be staying with family if/when you move to Aus, not sure they'd be too happy with you dragging some useless pothead with you.

Just get rid, he brings absolutely nothing to the party

I know it was a lighthearted joke but my heart did genuinely sink at the idea of it which reveals a lot. He previously refused to clean together & I know he wouldn’t be willing to help tomorrow either. He lives in a rural area & I can’t drive without a licensed driver so I would be stuck out there essentially until he came home from home. He agreed to having me stay in his house so I could clean Saturday from 9-6 while he worked 40 minutes away. I’ve been sick since last week & was told to take today off work as a sick day to try recover and rest by my boss, he knew this & still thought it’d be no issue to have me clean (but in fairness I offered, I offered out of annoyance for being always sick & out of disgust). I never used to catch a cold but now I am sick every other week.

Cancel the cleaning!

That's fine and mould can have serious long term effects on your health OP. Stop sleeping over there and don't move in with him ever. This is it, this is what he's got to offer you. This relationship has no long term future.

Just enjoy it for what it is for how long it lasts.

DO NOT clean the place. It's not your job and he won't appreciate it.

I think the why did I offer? Is the bit you need to be working through here @crabtheway .

you sound like you’ve had some fairly frightening, abusive experiences in relationships against the backdrop of a home where your mother’s labour was expected and exploited.

do your future self a big favour and do the Freedom Programme.

get AWAY from the pit smoker. Run 🏃‍♀️ 🚩

This is madness OP

You have fun with him. That's the only upside to this relationship. There are a million people you can have fun with. Most people would be a blast to hang around with if they didnt have any chores, had someone else do their cleaning for free, and were constantly high.

He drives while high, doesn't give a shit his house is dirty to the point of making you ill, and disappears every time the bill is due.

People are telling you to LTB because they have been in the same position and overlooked some of these things at the beginning of a relationship then the resentment has built to the point where they've had to leave, and the longer you leave it the more difficult it is. You don't like this now, imagine how youd feel when he is letting a house that you've contributed to, go to ruin with mould and mess. And you dont have time to clean because you're busy looking after his kid that he is too lazy to parent. And you dont have money for a cleaner because he makes you pay for more than your fair share.

You can find someone who has his good traits without all the shit. If you do some work to find out why you have such low standards in a relationship (a stingy addict who lives in filth is complety settling). I think you know this deep down or you wouldnt be posting and would be thrilled he was wanting to go with you to Oz.

And for the love of god dont spend any more time at his house, it's making you ill. People have died from living in mouldy houses!

Tell him you're ill and have been ordered by your boss to stay at home and rest, so that's what you'll be doing.

Read up about the effects mould can have on your health - it's not worth risking your wellbeing - and don't sleep there again.

Tell him you need the 55 euros reimbursed. It's not your responsibility to pay for his car. It sounds like he gets (more than) enough financial/other help from his family and is significantly better off than you.

When do you think you'll travel to Australia? I know you originally wanted to clear debt before going, but it sounds like it might actually be easier to do that there, when you're not spending all your spare money on hotel rooms/gigs/meals for someone else.

If he doesn't pay you back the money, and doesn't pay for a deep clean (or do it himself) do yourself a favour and stop having sex with him! You're 24. Other people exist. You won't find it hard to find a replacement for him that treats you better.

Sorry - he sleeps on mouldy pillows and leaves washing up out so long it goes mouldy. That is more than just lazy, that is actually disgusting.

WTF is his excuse? We both work full time and this morning before work (as every morning) Mr Monkey made and aired the bed, hung all the bath towels out on the line to air and washed up the breakfast things. I wiped down the surfaces, gave the shower and sink a quick spritz of shower spray and mopped both the bathroom and kitchen floor.

That was all done in about 10 mins before going to work.

We then do a big clean of the flat every weekend.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Don’t stay there-you are only putting yourself in a mouldy unsanitary environment!

Imagine having a boyfriend who doesn’t smoke weed, who treats you well, who can be arsed to clean up after himself, who pays half wherever you go. Doesn’t that sound lovely? It’s a bare minimum really.

He’s asleep at the moment but I asked him to reimburse me the €55 & said I needed it for my gym membership (a lie) but I didn’t have the balls to ask for a reimbursement straight up.

My plan is to rest & recover today, I didn’t sleep all night (as you’ll see from the thread replies at all hours) because as soon as I lie down I have a coughing fit & my poor parents can’t catch a wink of sleep with me! So I figured I’d stay up & sleep during the day so they could have at least one decent nights sleep.

In hindsight, I don’t even have the energy to clean a house tomorrow & I feel like the harsh chemicals wouldn’t do my lungs anymore favours so I will be upfront about that to him. We are due to meet today but I might just suggest a very casual coffee & walk rather an overnight sleepover, and take the rest of the weekend to rest/recover but also really have a good, long, hard think about my situation & look into the Freedom Programme.

My original plan was to move in November & have Christmas with my sibling and nephews but I won’t have enough money saved by then so I rescheduled it until the following April. If I could afford to go sooner, I would & if I can down the line, I will! :)

He hardly has a brother?

Brother-have I missed something?

Mrs Monkey was on about her & Mr Monkey’s very lovely clean morning routine, and how Mr Monkey helped! So I asked if he, Mr Monkey, had a brother

I’m 24 & he’s 31. I’m still undecided about if I want kids but I definitely wouldn’t want a partner anything like my own father for my kids (never cooks, cleans, or contributes to the household). The thing is he is otherwise great, he’s harmless and not a bad person, but is heavily flawed

Oh mate. You’re young and vibrant with plans. He’s an older stoner who can’t even clean up after himself and has mouldy pillows.

He’s tagging along with your plans because he’s so unmotivated and cannot think of anything for himself. He’ll ruin your life.

How did your bar get to be so low? Come on. I hope you wake up soon.

I asked for the €55 & he sent it on Revolut this morning in fairness to him. We live a forty minute drive apart (same county) & I wouldn’t ever be out his way if it wasn’t for him so we might just avoid the very awkward encounters when we do breakup. 🤞🏼

The thing is you shouldnt have to ask, he should have been on top of life admin enough to have paid it himself. And when he knew you had paid it he should have given you the money immediately, without being asked. There’s nothing that builds resentment faster than always having to ask a grown adult to do the things they should know to do themselves.

Okay. So you've shared your concerns. He does not care what you think and has no intention to do anything about it. Like he's literally said it and shown it to you several times. You need to accept him for who he is. He's not changing. If he's not the type of partner you want, then it's time to move on.

Op, you shouldn't be asking if Mr. Monkey has a brother. Mr Monkey was being a basic adult human man. The baseline is not "doesn't sleep on moldy pillows".

The reason he'll let you clean his house and not you is because he has a degree of respect for her. Sadly, he doesn't have any for you. Please just dump him already and enjoy a weekend free of this waster!

Not his mother sorry

It was lighthearted joke, I know it’s the bare min

you say you love him - there’s an awful lot of men out there and loads of them will be better for you than this loser. You’ll fall in love again, with someone who respects you and loves you for who you are not just what you’ll do for him.

he’s a bone idle waster who will drag you down and suffocate you under the weight of his mess and expectations he lays on you to take over from his mummy. He wants you to clean his house because he likes seeing you doing things just for him.

you’re so young - ditch him and go and have a full life of adventure in Oz. If you hadn’t been bankrolling him maybe you’d be closer to going for Christmas - don’t waste any more time and money on him.

Hi Op

I was in a VERY similar position to you many years ago, Irish too.

I was with my ex for years before he became a weed smoker and became super lazy. I wanted to go to Oz and he was 50/50 about it. One day my Brother asked me was I planning to stay in Ireland and have children with a guy who smoked and was super lazy or was I bringing him to Oz to deal with that over the other side the world.

I ended the relationship the next day, saved every penny I could and at 24 got on the plane to Oz. Have never regretted it. Few months in met with some friends who brought a very nice/good looking Irish friend to dinner...

So 14 years later here I am still in Oz. Done some retraining and my career took off, earn a lot more $$$ but more than that I absolutely love going to work each day. Bought a house minutes from the beach with a pool and ended up marrying Irish guy from that night. He is a fantastic Husband and Dad to our two little Aussie kids.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP but please do not settle. You have a choice. You get one life. Live it.

You can spend it here sleeping on mouldy pillows/cleaning up after someone else with them putting weed first, you can bring them to Oz and deal with all that over there which means you won’t enjoy it or you can actually make a choice to pick the third option.

Best of luck.

Don't be ridiculous.

He's a bone-idle stoner.

And if you want to travel, where is he going to get his supplies?

For god's sake dump and do better

Mug!

He's seen you coming...

Listen to your mother