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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting to resent my partner for his messy house. AIBU?

183 replies

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 03:57

My partner inherited his grandfather's house in November. The house was built quite some time ago, has insufficient insulation, and has grown quite damp with extensive mould growth as a result of being kept idle. The pillows we sleep on are even covered in mould.

I've tried to be pleasant and respectful to my partner because he lets me stay in his home on weekends, but since I started sleeping over every weekend, I've discovered that I'm becoming prone to any and all illnesses.

I asked if I could stay over on Friday and clean his entire house while he was at work, and he was more than eager to oblige. The truth is that I'm starting to resent him as I feel disgusted and physically sick by his living conditions. AIBU?

Before anyone asks, yes, I have discussed it with my partner several times, but he always had an excuse and didn’t want to spend his days off cleaning. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom over three weeks ago and he still hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher, and the mess returned within a few days. He has no underlying issues but is rather a lazy individual who smokes weed 24/7.

When I told my mam about my weekend plans, she objected strongly that I clean his house and reminded me that I am his girlfriend, not his cleaner. My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well.

He said if I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ and my heart sank a little reading his message. After speaking with my mum, I don't want to clean his house, but I feel I have little choice because I can't live in a messy environment any more, and I'm coming to resent him for his clutter. AIBU?

OP posts:
bogbabe · 16/06/2023 07:33

"He has no underlying issues" and "He smokes weed 24/7" do not reconcile.
It's called DOPE for a reason.
Your pillows are mouldy, bloody hell!
It's affecting your health and still no change!! This should be a line for you.
My first LTB here. Sorry but nothing will change all the time he can smoke reality away and stop caring. You sound like a genuine person and can do better than this.
(ex-smoker)

DaaamnYoullDo · 16/06/2023 07:35

Do not clean his house! Get rid! Is this what you want your future to be?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/06/2023 07:36

I'd not be cleaning his house or staying over!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/06/2023 07:36

No Mrs Hinch here but the mouldy pillows and saying if 'I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ as if he was some sort of prize for doing the housekeeping (WHY are you even running around like a personal maid?) would have me running for the hills faster than Usain Bolt. Gag.

SylvanianFrenemies · 16/06/2023 07:36

He is an adult, but is happy for mummy and daddy to organise and pay for his life.
Now he's lining you up to replace them.
He's draining your savings by letting you pay for stuff excessively.
He's taking advantage of your low confidence.
Ugh.

You've known this man for 6 months. He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend.

Start valuing yourself, he does not have your best interests at heart.

ButterflyOil · 16/06/2023 07:38

It’s really hard sometimes to avoid following the example of our parents. So many people end up with partners where the dynamic mirrors what they were used to growing up - even if it was dysfunctional, because we tend to find a weird sort of comfort in the familiar.

You’re only 24 and have your whole life ahead of you and an exciting goal to emigrate. Focus on that and maybe think about some therapy if you think you need it to work through the negative assumptions about relationship with expectations that got instilled in you.

Breaking up with someone is hair a matter of telling them the relationship isn’t working for you, and remaining firm. He’ll probably promise to change but don’t pay any attention to that - if he was interested in any change he’d have already done it.

Rewis · 16/06/2023 07:38

Have you actually had a conversation about this? Does he know how disgusting you find his house? What about his drug addiction? What about what you need from a partner or what he needs from a partner? With all this talk about Australia its unclear if this is a "for now' relationship or long term. If it's just for now and plan is to break up anyway then you don't really need to invest too much thought what cleaning means. That being said. I wouldn't mind helping him clean. He can make the plan and get the necessary things and I'd just show up. That's how I help my bf with his house renovation. He makes the plan and gets the things and I just do and make suggestions. But he has to be in charge.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/06/2023 07:38

He often brags (yes, brags) to people about how independent I am, how I pay for things, and surprise him by paying the bill (he goes to the bathroom when it arrives or when we’re due to leave)

Honestly, he sounds like a total leech-he’s sponging off everyone and wants you to look after him. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant by this man-he sounds like he’d let you pay for everything whilst he sits there stoned and not looking after the baby or house.

It sounds like you have a history of making poor choices with partners. I’d have a look at building your self-esteem.

It sounds like you like the idea that he’s got a house so you get a break from your parents’ house. I’d be finding some hobbies instead.

Simplyfedup · 16/06/2023 07:39

For fucks sake Op, set your bar higher than this!
How do you end it - you send him a text or speak to him and say 'This isn't working for me, so I've decided to end the relationship.' Are you capable of sticking to that or, as I think you will, will you make excuses, give your reasons for ending it and then let him stick around after making promises to change?
Of course he's decided to go to Australia with you, he's found someone he can sponge off financially, who is seriously considering cleaning his house top to bottom, and puts up with his weed smoking, skanky ways. He's not going to let you get away that easily, so you need to firmly do it yourself.

Bloody hell threads like this make me want to bang my head against a wall.

Doingmybest12 · 16/06/2023 07:42

Don't do it! If he has other redeeming qualities then suggest he has a regular cleaner , offer to help him deep clean once together if you want but don't clean alone. If he loved you and respected you he would not want you to clean his house or stay somewhere that makes you ill. I'd refuse to visit him until its sorted and his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Selfesteem23 · 16/06/2023 07:43

Imagine yourself as a mum with a daughter or even think of one of your nieces/nephews even and then re read your posts. Would you want this for them.

Do NOT clean his house he can afford a cleaner if he can’t be arsed.

Do NOT pay for anything else. You are saving for Australia you need the money. He has money and doesn’t spend it on you. That speaks volumes that he goes to the bathroom at bill time. If you continue this relationship everything is 50/50 including hotels, food, drinks, travel.

Do NOT let him come to Australia. Unsure how it would work with Visas etc anyway.

You’ve a whole exciting adventure ahead of you. He isn’t worth your time.

cestlavielife · 16/06/2023 07:43

He got a "free" house
He can pay a deep clean
Dont stay there until he does
Dont have kids with a weed addict

Simplyfedup · 16/06/2023 07:43

Doingmybest12 · 16/06/2023 07:42

Don't do it! If he has other redeeming qualities then suggest he has a regular cleaner , offer to help him deep clean once together if you want but don't clean alone. If he loved you and respected you he would not want you to clean his house or stay somewhere that makes you ill. I'd refuse to visit him until its sorted and his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Bad advice. This is about a lot more than a dirty house.

Doingmybest12 · 16/06/2023 07:45

Yes, so I've read now. Dump him OP , what an unattractive leech .

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 07:47

Rewis · 16/06/2023 07:38

Have you actually had a conversation about this? Does he know how disgusting you find his house? What about his drug addiction? What about what you need from a partner or what he needs from a partner? With all this talk about Australia its unclear if this is a "for now' relationship or long term. If it's just for now and plan is to break up anyway then you don't really need to invest too much thought what cleaning means. That being said. I wouldn't mind helping him clean. He can make the plan and get the necessary things and I'd just show up. That's how I help my bf with his house renovation. He makes the plan and gets the things and I just do and make suggestions. But he has to be in charge.

Yes, I told him before his weed consumption was a big worry of mine & he said he would cut down, like he says every other week but then gets high day in and day out. My automated response to any conversation regarding weed is now ‘I’ll see it when I believe it’… I also brought up his living conditions and made sure he was okay (mentally) as a lot of people say the first signs of depression in someone is their lack of motivation & an unsanitary environment but he reassured me he has been in the best state of mind in a long time.

I got tired of the mess & woke up early one morning to clean his house while he slept in. I kept closing the bedroom door so I wouldn’t disturb him by hoovering & he kept opening it to listen to what I was doing instead of offering to help. At this stage, I had cleaned the kitchen, sitting room, done his mouldy dishes, & wiped down the bathroom, so I decided to go in and ask him for a little help so we could finish the house together. He was more annoyed I asked & said he didn’t want to clean on his day off and made a few jokes about how I used to be fun and then reminded me I’m not his mother. Within a few days (3) he had already accumulated dirty dishes & the kitchen was a mess (I only seen because he accidentally turned his camera on while we called) and I felt a bit disrespected, gave out to him, he just laughed & said it would be cleaned again before the weekend (it wasn’t).

So actually now after writing that & reading over it, I’m mad at myself for even offering to clean his house tomorrow.

OP posts:
romdowa · 16/06/2023 07:47

I was going to ask if he was irish but I seen you mentioned the cvr. He's a waster pure and simple . You're young and have dreams. Don't let him tag along for the ride because that is exactly what he will do. This isn't love, he sounds like he's using you to pay for things. Get rid , save more money and head off to Australia. In 10 years time you'll sit back and be amazing at what a lucky escape you had

HolyFire · 16/06/2023 07:49

I am several decades older than you and I have never in my life cleaned anything in a man’s house.
And the only person whose vomit stained sheets I would put on a hot wash would be those of an ill child. You need to raise your bar generally op!!

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 07:51

romdowa · 16/06/2023 07:47

I was going to ask if he was irish but I seen you mentioned the cvr. He's a waster pure and simple . You're young and have dreams. Don't let him tag along for the ride because that is exactly what he will do. This isn't love, he sounds like he's using you to pay for things. Get rid , save more money and head off to Australia. In 10 years time you'll sit back and be amazing at what a lucky escape you had

He is Irish (we both are) & the AU age restriction from Irish citizens is 35 (not 30 like UK) so I can’t even use the age restriction as an excuse.

I said CVR as I presumed most people here are UK based but it was the NCT I booked, €55 of my hard earned money I could’ve spent on something else. I only booked it yesterday so I’m thinking of asking him to send me the money on for it even though I initially said it was fine. Contradicting myself here but this thread has left me with a lot to think about & a bit of disappointment in myself, I’d prefer to spend the €55 on myself!

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 16/06/2023 07:55

Enjoy your new life in Australia when you get there, do not let him derail this. He will drag you down in all ways.

Brefugee · 16/06/2023 07:56

I'm going to be blunt because this is AIBU and you seem to need plain speaking (you have made post after post after post and i am still none the wiser as to why you won't listen to your mum)

Leave. Him. He is a waste of space. He will marry you if you clean his house)

If you stay, if you clean for him, marry him, have kids with him: everything that comes is already pre-programmed. You know it. Your mum knows it and is warning you. We are warning you. If you do it: i guarantee in 5 years you'll be posting here (or on the relationships board so it's not so harsh).

Walk away from it. Have some self respect.

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/06/2023 07:58

I will more than likely end it after reading this thread but I really don’t know how.

This part is actually very easy, you simply say “I don’t want to be with you any more” and keep repeating every time. The harder part is waking up 5 years down in Australia with 2 kids and waster partner who smokes away your money and does fuck all to help.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/06/2023 07:58

said he didn’t want to clean on his day off and made a few jokes about how I used to be fun and then reminded me I’m not his mother.

Do you really want a future with this man?

Twillow · 16/06/2023 08:00

'I'll marry you' was a lighthearted joke.
Put the pillows in the bin. Why would you sleep on it, no wonder you're getting ill - sounds like a deep clean is skimming the surface if the house had mould in the summer.
Say either we do it together or I don't visit you here.
The weed habit is bad enough.

Jellycatspyjamas · 16/06/2023 08:03

So actually now after writing that & reading over it, I’m mad at myself for even offering to clean his house tomorrow.

Yep, use that anger to get yourself out of this, stop being angry at yourself - be angry at the person who has so little respect for you they’ll bring you to stay in a hovel, who will lie in bed while you clean that hovel, and takes financial advantage of you. Of course he now wants to go to Australia, with someone who will lift and lay him. Don’t be that person.

romdowa · 16/06/2023 08:05

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 07:51

He is Irish (we both are) & the AU age restriction from Irish citizens is 35 (not 30 like UK) so I can’t even use the age restriction as an excuse.

I said CVR as I presumed most people here are UK based but it was the NCT I booked, €55 of my hard earned money I could’ve spent on something else. I only booked it yesterday so I’m thinking of asking him to send me the money on for it even though I initially said it was fine. Contradicting myself here but this thread has left me with a lot to think about & a bit of disappointment in myself, I’d prefer to spend the €55 on myself!

Show quote history

Just tell him it's over. Sure it'll be awkward in a small irish town but that's life. He's robbing you blind! A 31 year old man leaving a 24 year old to pay for his nct, he's definitely seen you coming 😔 no need to be disappointed in yourself, he should be shamed of his life for himself.