Starting to resent my partner for his messy house. AIBU?

[crabtheway]

My partner inherited his grandfather's house in November. The house was built quite some time ago, has insufficient insulation, and has grown quite damp with extensive mould growth as a result of being kept idle. The pillows we sleep on are even covered in mould.

I've tried to be pleasant and respectful to my partner because he lets me stay in his home on weekends, but since I started sleeping over every weekend, I've discovered that I'm becoming prone to any and all illnesses.

I asked if I could stay over on Friday and clean his entire house while he was at work, and he was more than eager to oblige. The truth is that I'm starting to resent him as I feel disgusted and physically sick by his living conditions. AIBU?

Before anyone asks, yes, I have discussed it with my partner several times, but he always had an excuse and didn’t want to spend his days off cleaning. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom over three weeks ago and he still hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher, and the mess returned within a few days. He has no underlying issues but is rather a lazy individual who smokes weed 24/7.

When I told my mam about my weekend plans, she objected strongly that I clean his house and reminded me that I am his girlfriend, not his cleaner. My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well.

He said if I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ and my heart sank a little reading his message. After speaking with my mum, I don't want to clean his house, but I feel I have little choice because I can't live in a messy environment any more, and I'm coming to resent him for his clutter. AIBU?

And he will resist you leaving without him. He has got the whole package with you. Younger bright girlfriend with big plans for the future, a meal ticket who cleans his house. What’s not to like??

This. Raise your standards

Just because he hasn’t leaked nudes, it doesn’t mean he isn’t equally vile. He is vile in other ways. We are all telling you to ditch the man. It sounds as if you could do with learning to love yourself and having more self respect.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2V3IW6BUKHMW0&keywords=pat+craven+living+with+the+dominator&qid=1686895168&sprefix=Pat+cra%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-1

Idk if you’ve heard of the freedom programme. It is a course for people in past or present abusive relationships. The course creator has written a series of books. Have a look at this book. The cover of the book reminds me of how you’re feeling right now. I think it may be helpful for you to create boundaries.

You'll save up a lot quicker if you stop paying for everything. Why are you paying anyway? If he's inherited a house (and sounds like he's doing nothing to improve it) then he must have funds?

Dont let him follow you to Oz. Receiving compliments and going to gigs is not enough for a fulfilling life. He's keeping you sweet so you continue to pay, do his cleaning and have sex with him. I can't see what he's offering in return.

I voted YABU as I'm actually feeling a bit pissed off with you for tolerating this bullshit.
You may love him (love is blind and rather stupid at times) but it's not enough. He will wreck you if you stay.
Dig deep, girl, you're so young and have all gone of life waiting for you - don't waste it sorting out this twats mouldy pillows FFS.

Do you really not know how to end a relationship?

Plan to meet up. Sit down (avoiding gross mould patches) 'Sloby man, i've had fun spending time with you but this relationship isn't something I want long term. I don't want to see you any more. We can chat about the reasons why but please understand there is no changing my mind.'

Allow no more than 10 minutes of questions and explanations then say you have to be going 'Goodbye. Good luck'

👍

Your boundaries are so low OP...your boyfriend is a lazy pothead who lives in a mouldy pigsty. But no worries...he showers daily so that's ok 👍

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Raise your bar ffs...or any future children will be sleeping on mouldy pillows and breathing in daddy's weed. 🤷‍♀️

Good point. He’s actually far richer than you op. He owns a whole house. Outright. No mortgage. Yet he is happy for you to pay for everything. I would be horrified if you were my dd.

I was going to say, why are you paying for everything? He’s inherited a house and he works full time. He’s got enough to buy new pillows for a start.

Your standards must be on the floor to put up with this filthy freeloading pothead.

He won't get into Oz with a drug habit is what I'm thinking.

Raise the bar, leave the loser!

Yes, he has funds and more money than me. He even inherited his car after a late aunt passed away. His parents (74M and 64F) are very good to him and organize his bills and insurance every year. Sometimes he doesn’t even hand over the money & they never chase him for it (wealthy). His dad brought his car to the garage and paid for the repairs & I booked (and paid) for the CVR test because my partner kept saying he would to his dad & then wouldn’t. In hindsight, I shouldn’t of but even I was getting fed up of his dad asking has he booked the test.

The reason I moved home was to save quicker by eliminating my rental costs and increase my loan repayment from university (I don’t want to travel with debt). It‘a a bit of a funny situation because he knows I have debt and significantly less than him as up until now I was living pay cheque to cheque (can only afford to save now) and he would check in to see if I had money or enough of it. Even though he knew I had less, I still somehow ended up paying for the most dates, it’s like he would wait for me to do it and then give me the whole ‘you shouldn’t have’ spiel. I’ve started (but only in the last week) to not offer to pay and leave it on him when it comes to the bill (which has worked mostly so far).

Why would you even entertain sleeping on mouldy pillows? You can pick up a couple of new pillows v cheaply. I find this whole situation bizarre. Why are you choosing to put yourself through this? Get rid.

Yanu to stay with this lazy, filthy man. How can you even bear to sleep with him?
The weed smoking 24/7 is enough to put me off. He & his filthy house must stink of the stuff. Get out now ASAP & find a better life.
Make sure the next man you meet is not such a dirty, lazy ass 🤮

You already no what he is like
it’s not like he was mr average and then 5 years later he has changed into a weed smoking slob

So if you stay it’s on you

oh and please don’t lumber a child with this useless piece of shit

its fine if you want to stay with him it’s your life and your party
but a child dosent get a say

I never actually knew they were mouldy until recently as he always had sheets on the bed & washed/changed (he could do that much) them before I got in to bed. Except one weekend he was a pillowcase short & my little cotton socks were horrified.

I have suggested that he buys new pillows & sent links to really cheap ones and he said he would buy them this weekend (when I was suppose to clean his house).

His life runs very differently to yours by the sound of it. He’s used to having everything handed to him on a plate. You’re just an extension of that. It sounds as though he’s even waiting, perhaps only at a subconscious level, for his parents to sort his house out.

He has been emotionally and financially stunted by his parents acting in this way. You’re just going to be stifled by this man.

It's very easy and can feel familiar and safe to repeat the kind of relationship you grew up seeing. You might be trying to actively avoid a relationship like your parents', but on some level the familiarity of that relationship pattern may well feel safe to you. There can be comfort in the familiar.

You don’t have to dump him, and as long as you don’t ever move in together, he can be as much of a filthy pig as he likes. His house, his mess. I certainly wouldn’t clean his house for him or stay there, ever, at all.

But he’s not a good long-term prospect, is he? Fine if you don’t want marriage or children.

I've nothing against people who smoke weed now and then. It doesn't seem to affect their lives if they're occasional users. However, I've known many people throughout life who smoke weed 24/7. They all become very lethargic and lazy which I find incredibly unattractive. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this and would never move in with them or marry them. You'd end up doing absolutely everything while they sit around being stoned.

His mam knows the absolute state of the house and has tried time after time to let him in to clean it but he always refuses. His dad does take care of the garden & does a good job (the outside of the house is lovely and would deceive you). I’ve no idea why he accepted my offer to clean it (which is revoked) & not his mams.

This is shocking.
He smokes weed 24 7
He has mouldy pillows
He doesn't even have enough pillow cases
He lives in a pig sty
He has more money than you but you pay for most things.
Who cooks? Who washes up? Who provides the food?
Australia wouldn't be far enough!
You can do so much better than this. You are 24. Do not settle for him

By the sound of it, don’t do nice things together, you do nice things and he tags along. It will only get harder to LTB and he will not change, in fact he will probably get worse as he cares less about impressing you. What will change though is the demands of life. When you live with someone and have a life together (however that looks) the fact he is a man child will have a huge impact on your day to day living. Either accept that he will not plan dates, will not tidy or clean, will not cook for you, will not take care of the dog/cat/children/plants or do any of the metal load of life or leave him and try to work out why you have such low standards.

I think you’ve hit it on the nail. My biggest fear is having a marriage like my parents and becoming my mother (an unappreciated breadwinner and servant to my dad) & instead of avoiding it like I intend to, I seem to only be running towards that life.

You need to spend sometime alone and self reflect. At 31, he smokes weed and sleeps on mouldy pillow?!! He will never change.
You sound very immature. Why on earth are you with this man I still dont know. Spend some time alone and figure out what you want instead of being a cleaner and raise your bar when you look for a man next time. This one needs to be thrown back in to the sea

You clearly want to emigrate .

the money you spend on him could be spent on travelling sooner .

I would sooner get a bar job at the weekend rather than spend it with someone like that who is delaying my travels .

when are you aiming for ?