Starting to resent my partner for his messy house. AIBU?

[crabtheway]

My partner inherited his grandfather's house in November. The house was built quite some time ago, has insufficient insulation, and has grown quite damp with extensive mould growth as a result of being kept idle. The pillows we sleep on are even covered in mould.

I've tried to be pleasant and respectful to my partner because he lets me stay in his home on weekends, but since I started sleeping over every weekend, I've discovered that I'm becoming prone to any and all illnesses.

I asked if I could stay over on Friday and clean his entire house while he was at work, and he was more than eager to oblige. The truth is that I'm starting to resent him as I feel disgusted and physically sick by his living conditions. AIBU?

Before anyone asks, yes, I have discussed it with my partner several times, but he always had an excuse and didn’t want to spend his days off cleaning. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom over three weeks ago and he still hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher, and the mess returned within a few days. He has no underlying issues but is rather a lazy individual who smokes weed 24/7.

When I told my mam about my weekend plans, she objected strongly that I clean his house and reminded me that I am his girlfriend, not his cleaner. My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well.

He said if I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ and my heart sank a little reading his message. After speaking with my mum, I don't want to clean his house, but I feel I have little choice because I can't live in a messy environment any more, and I'm coming to resent him for his clutter. AIBU?

You are 24 with your life ahead of you, solid plans to emigrate and you are wasting your time with a weed smoking man who lives in a pig sty and doesn't even pay for your 'dates' just so that you can 'have sex'. As a PP says you are modelling what your mother puts up with and you can see that's wrong.

I have a 23 year old DC and would be horrified if this was their life.

Please find time self respect, ditch him and get on with your plans to move to Australia. For goodness sake do not take this loser with you.

Bluntly: it sounds as though you need to clean up your relationship, not his house...

You don't want to clean for him (and he won't clean for himself, or change, so this will become the norm)
You don't like his drug habit
You don't want to marry him (your heart sank when he mentioned it)
You didn't factor him into emigrating (and were blindsided when he mentioned it)

Life is too short for this. Throw this one back, there are plenty more fish in the sea. And as Maya Angelou said, listen when people show you who they are and believe them (AKA he wont change, this would be the deal long term).

He sounds deeply gross. Change comes from within, not your girlfriend cleaning your house.

The general consensus is to not clean his house but also ‘LTB’, and I’ll be completely honest I don’t know how and I’m not sure if that’s what I want. I only posted this a few hours ago but I’ve had so much food for thought thrown my way I’m a little overwhelmed!

My first relationship was when I was 17 and when I ended things he threatened suicide and leaked my nudes. I know I deserve better than my partner, but I don’t want to be mean and upset him either & I do genuinely love him so that’s also another factor.

Your only 24, you have your whole life ahead of you, need to bin him pronto, he's a feckless, sponging,manipulating addict, your worth so much more than this, please don't settle for him, he will never change. Go and make a new life for yourself in Australia, the world's is your oyster, and leave him behind. Wishing you the very best of luck xx

Tbh you're incredibly annoying talking about him because he's walking all over you and you're allowing it. You're honestly just as bad as him as you actually CHOOSE to sleep on damp fucking pillows. Have some self respect ffs grow up

I know he won’t change. I think I accepted this initially because our relationship was going to be short term as my emigration meant we had an end date. He was really adamant about not considering Australia for several months so I never thought about us being together long term especially when we agreed long distance wouldn’t be an option.

He only mentioned his intentions to come along last week and I haven’t had the time to really sit down and think about it, but this thread has giving me a lot to consider & I think the reality is there is no long term comparability (unless he changed, slim to none chance). I do really love him, we have fun together, visit new countries & gigs, and while I know I will more than likely have all that with someone better in the future, it is really hard to let go of someone you love just like that.

You are so young. Don’t waste your life hitched to a druggy slobby freeloader.

Imagine in five years, the miserable life with kids with him in a filthy house where you are doing everything. And you will regret ignoring the advice on this thread.

Does he work op?

Jesus wept, you could be me 18 years ago. Except my stbxh wasn't a manky bastard, all the other traits are the same. Take it from an old lady that's been there, don't that. RUN A MILE. Do not take this man to oz with you and find yourself an ambitious, bronzed, non addicted to drugs person when you get there. This guy will drag you down, it only gets worse and fuck having kids with him 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I couldn't get past sleeping on mouldy pillows -as a choice!

I am sure your life is a lot fuller, complicated, nuanced etc than your posts but the bare facts are grim. Maybe take some time away from him to decide what is best for you.

Yes, he is in the process of doing an online masters while he works full time in retail. He hates his job but he grinds through as he knows it’s temporary. He intends on finding a job in his area once he graduates this year. There seems to be more opportunities in his sector (with almost double the salary) in Australia compared to our home country which I think is why he changed his mind.

Wow what a prince. Smoking weed 24/7 living in a mouldy house he didn't pay for and doesn't care to upgrade.

Are you very young? Do you have low self esteem? Honestly end it and never look back, you deserve a functioning adult for a partner.

Lazy and smokes pot 24/7.

I’m sorry, Op, get rid. I don’t care how long the list of pros. Think of your future. With someone who does not smoke pot and is not lazy.

He should have already hired professional cleaners to deal with the mold and grime. Mold on the pillows is not healthy. Nor is it classy. I wouldn’t step foot in that icky house.

Have respect for yourself. His supposed love for you and building you up and saying he wants to marry you if you clean the house 🙄 he’s a loser going nowhere and he wants to take you with him. Um, no.

No x 1000.

I’m 24 so old enough to know better, but young enough to learn from any mistakes made now. I didn’t think I had low self esteem but I clearly must have something against myself. I will more than likely end it after reading this thread but I really don’t know how.

Fuck voluntarily become the cleaning fairy! Set yourself up for a lifetime of that shit? On purpose? No thanks.

I'd be refusing to spend any time at his house.

Oh and if you live in a damp mouldy house - you smell.
If you're used to the smell you don't notice it.
Other people certainly do

The sex cannot be this good. All of this so you can have a shag? You are so young, jesus find someone else. Literally anyone else.

crabtheway · Today 05:45

I say I pay for most of our dates & trips away (If I didn’t organize them we would probably end up in Tim Buck Two). He often brags (yes, brags) to people about how independent I am, how I pay for things, and surprise him by paying the bill (he goes to the bathroom when it arrives or when we’re due to leave).

What in Hades is this?!

OP I know it's already been said but I couldn't just scroll by - you really need to leave him.

You say you know you don't want to settle down with him, but you don't want to upset him - why are you more worried about his feelings than he is yours? He's happy for you to be his maid, clean his filthy home top to bottom - can you imagine expecting him to do that for you? He's happy for you to get SICK in his mouldy filthy house - does he really care about you?! He's happy to drive you around while he's high, putting both your lives at risk - would you do that to someone you love?!?!

You say you love him, and I get that - but if you don't leave soon you're gonna get sucked deeper into this relationship and find it harder to get out. What if he actually followed you to Oz - how easy would it be to break up with him then? You'd feel guilty about him moving across the world for you (though in reality he'd be doing it for himself) and would delay and delay.

What if you got pregnant? Would you feel compelled to have the baby and stay with him?!

In short - he's not a keeper and you know that. It's fine to have a temporary fling if it's fun and respectful. But it's not. It stopped being fun when you offered to spend several days cleaning his house. The fun stuff YOU arrange and YOU pay for, along with the nice compliment here and there, do not make up for all the downsides to this relationship.

Please move on and have fun with someone who deserves you.

What are his plans for a visa for Australia?
He is too old for a working holiday visa (if UK citizen) and your family can not sponsor him.
Shortage occupation? Will be difficult with no relevant job experience

You don’t know how to end the relationship?

“It’s over.”

Block him on everything. Cut all contact. Radio Silence.

Pack your bags and go to Oz.

DO NOT LET HIM COME WITH YOU.

DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE IN OZ YOU’RE GOING.

DO NOT TELL ANYONE WHERE IN OZ YOU’RE GOING SO THAT THERE IS NO WAY HE CAN FIND OUT.

DO NOT PICK ANOTHER LOSER.

Is that clear as a bell?

I think you need to do the move to Australia now. Alone. Get distracted by the admin of emigrating and channel your energy towards that rather than cleaning the filthy house of a druggy, selfish freeloader.

Jesus Christ op. This man sounds awful.

You deserve so, so much better. There are guys out there who will live normally, treat you well, be a great partner (as in a team mate, someone to truly share stuff with) and have mould free homes.

I don't know why you think this bloke is worth a second of your valuable time, I really don't. And the sooner you realise this and set your bar higher, the better. You're so young! Don't let blokes like this drag you down or define you.

For goodness sake, each time you post the picture gets worse. You have some very odd ideas of normal behaviour, his but more so, yours!

Cleaning his house, putting a hookups vomit sheets on a wash, thinking 3 weeks of little gifts as a positive characteristic, paying more than a fair share for dates but secretly resenting it, and the latest clanger 'if only he could change, he would be perfect!' That's true of any human planet.

It's ridiculous that at age 24 you don't realise that there will be people that you have some good crossover with but that the bar for a long term relationship needs to be much higher.

You have some fun, you have some shared views but not enough. Chalk this up to a good life experience and move on.