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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting to resent my partner for his messy house. AIBU?

183 replies

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 03:57

My partner inherited his grandfather's house in November. The house was built quite some time ago, has insufficient insulation, and has grown quite damp with extensive mould growth as a result of being kept idle. The pillows we sleep on are even covered in mould.

I've tried to be pleasant and respectful to my partner because he lets me stay in his home on weekends, but since I started sleeping over every weekend, I've discovered that I'm becoming prone to any and all illnesses.

I asked if I could stay over on Friday and clean his entire house while he was at work, and he was more than eager to oblige. The truth is that I'm starting to resent him as I feel disgusted and physically sick by his living conditions. AIBU?

Before anyone asks, yes, I have discussed it with my partner several times, but he always had an excuse and didn’t want to spend his days off cleaning. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom over three weeks ago and he still hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher, and the mess returned within a few days. He has no underlying issues but is rather a lazy individual who smokes weed 24/7.

When I told my mam about my weekend plans, she objected strongly that I clean his house and reminded me that I am his girlfriend, not his cleaner. My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well.

He said if I ‘did all that’ (deep clean) would ‘probably marry me’ and my heart sank a little reading his message. After speaking with my mum, I don't want to clean his house, but I feel I have little choice because I can't live in a messy environment any more, and I'm coming to resent him for his clutter. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:06

PermanentTemporary · 16/06/2023 04:58

I remember another hookup with a guy and we had to have sex on the sofa because he hadn't managed to tidy his bedroom. He was in his 50s! Not good.

Christ.. I’ll give you an even better one, I had a hookup with a work colleague (foolishly) and he had no pillows so he used the big couch cushions, not the decorative cushions, but the actual couch part! He then vomitted & I had to strip his bedsheets and put them on a wash. We continued to work together for a few months & even became neighbours after.

OP posts:
HolyFire · 16/06/2023 05:08

You can’t say how hygienic he is when he is sleeping on mouldy pillows and chain-smoking. He must permanently stink of damp and weed.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:10

HolyFire · 16/06/2023 05:08

You can’t say how hygienic he is when he is sleeping on mouldy pillows and chain-smoking. He must permanently stink of damp and weed.

He vapes (THC oil) so there’s no weed or tobacco smell. He showers daily (sometimes twice), wears nice deodorant & after shave so he always smells good and looks fresh.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 16/06/2023 05:14

Years ago I met a lovely man, he was good looking, funny, interesting. We had a series of nice dates and then I went to his home. It was a pig sty, I was revolted. I actually invoked the friends emergency call so I could leave. Never saw him again as I knew I would not be sharing my life with a man who lives like a pig so there was no point. Get some self respect and walk. This is disgusting.

AlmostCharged · 16/06/2023 05:18

Do you want kids with this man? Is he responsible dad material? Would you become the house slave after having children?

Objectively you need to leave. But I can’t see you doing this.

If this was my daughter, I would be devastated that she had so little self-respect that she was going to spend her weekend cleaning a man’s filthy home.

user1492757084 · 16/06/2023 05:19

He's too weedy.
It's an addiction that doesn't meld well with a family.

Marry someone who loves YOU as his addiction.

Violasaremyfavourite · 16/06/2023 05:21

Where are you planning to emigrate to and is he part of the plan? I am thinking of a bronzed Aussie surfer dude versus the current pothead? Or even a keen New Zealand yachtsman? Frenchman with a great accent? The possibilities are endless and it won't be hard to improve on the current man. Hopefully none of them drive while stoned either.

ProfessorXtra · 16/06/2023 05:23

Op you are setting yourself up of a lifetime of resentment. You look past the fact that he smokes weed and is lazy. But resent that he is too lazy to clean his house. You know who he is.

What do you want from your life? Surely it’s not staying in a mouldy home so you can have sex because your town is boring. Surely you want more from life than this?

How old are you? Do you want kids? Do you think it’s ok to give kids a father like him? To tie yourself down with someone that will sit back while you do all the housework, child care, family admin etc.

You can’t sit there and say ‘I resent him and his house is dirty, lazy and smokes weed all the time and he likes me to come over for the weekend for sex and to give his house a deep clean’ then say he is great.

Iridescentsy · 16/06/2023 05:24

i don’t know him but you can do better than this OP - do you disagree that you can’t do any better than a pothead who lives in filth?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/06/2023 05:25

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:02

Honestly, the reason I stay is because it is a break away from home for me, but also by staying we have a place to be intimate & do the deed.

Our town is fairly dead when it comes to any events so we do travel for gigs & spend the nights away in hotels and Air BnBs which is a real treat. This isn’t sustainable to do every month let alone every week as the cost of hotels are extortionate!

Reflecting on this & reading everyone’s comment I can see how I am settling for below the bare minimum but I do love my partner and have gotten used to our routine. I don’t really want to end things with him (not yet anyways) even though I know I do deserve better. WELP!

Show quote history

Yeah! Don't settle for this unsafe, grim envt!

This seems way beyond... A bit untidy.

Id worry that he was expecting me to tolerate this for ever... Essentially saying: 'this js me, take it or leave it, or you can spend hours weekly keeping our environment sanitary... While i do nothing! ".

You aren't arriving unexpectedly... What's in his head...?? This is an ok way to treat guests... Esp my gf??

Doesn't show much respect.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:30

Violasaremyfavourite · 16/06/2023 05:21

Where are you planning to emigrate to and is he part of the plan? I am thinking of a bronzed Aussie surfer dude versus the current pothead? Or even a keen New Zealand yachtsman? Frenchman with a great accent? The possibilities are endless and it won't be hard to improve on the current man. Hopefully none of them drive while stoned either.

My plan is to emigrate to Oz 🇦🇺! I’ve been very open with my partner that I plan on emigrating as my sibling and nephews live over there & moved home to get there quicker. When we first met, he had no interest in Australia because of all the “spiders” and “snakes” buuuuuuut that has since changed and he’s now keen to come along. He was never apart of my plans to move because he had no interest so I figured we both knew what would be happening when I emigrated but now he has completely blindsided me. I wouldn’t be able to live with him & I’d be afraid to have him stay with my family incase he was messy.

OP posts:
Foodfan · 16/06/2023 05:32

On a practical level op, wash the pillows on the hottest wash you can and chuck some bleach into the drum with them. Then get them out in the sunshine, turning them regularly. If they are surly mouldy, get rid, it’s incredibly bad for your lungs to sleep on mouldy pillows.

Freefall212 · 16/06/2023 05:32

It doesn't sound like you are settling. It sounds more like you are using him for what you want (sex, a place to get away from home, bringing you gifts and not showing up empty handed). Settling would be if you saw him as a life lnog partner but it doesn't seem you do as your plan all along was to leave.

Foodfan · 16/06/2023 05:32

*still mouldy

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:37

ProfessorXtra · 16/06/2023 05:23

Op you are setting yourself up of a lifetime of resentment. You look past the fact that he smokes weed and is lazy. But resent that he is too lazy to clean his house. You know who he is.

What do you want from your life? Surely it’s not staying in a mouldy home so you can have sex because your town is boring. Surely you want more from life than this?

How old are you? Do you want kids? Do you think it’s ok to give kids a father like him? To tie yourself down with someone that will sit back while you do all the housework, child care, family admin etc.

You can’t sit there and say ‘I resent him and his house is dirty, lazy and smokes weed all the time and he likes me to come over for the weekend for sex and to give his house a deep clean’ then say he is great.

Of course I want more in life than this. I explained to another commenter I have been open about my intentions to emigrate to Australia but my partner explicitly said he had no interest (because of the spiders, snakes, and heat) so I figured we both knew what would happen when I emigrated as we agreed long distance wouldn’t be an option. He has recently blindsided me & said he now plans on coming along.

I’m 24 & he’s 31. I’m still undecided about if I want kids but I definitely wouldn’t want a partner anything like my own father for my kids (never cooks, cleans, or contributes to the household). The thing is he is otherwise great, he’s harmless and not a bad person, but is heavily flawed. Maybe I am making excuses & trying to justify it more to myself but I really don’t think he’s an awful person, he just makes very awful choices.

OP posts:
AlmostCharged · 16/06/2023 05:40

crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:37

Of course I want more in life than this. I explained to another commenter I have been open about my intentions to emigrate to Australia but my partner explicitly said he had no interest (because of the spiders, snakes, and heat) so I figured we both knew what would happen when I emigrated as we agreed long distance wouldn’t be an option. He has recently blindsided me & said he now plans on coming along.

I’m 24 & he’s 31. I’m still undecided about if I want kids but I definitely wouldn’t want a partner anything like my own father for my kids (never cooks, cleans, or contributes to the household). The thing is he is otherwise great, he’s harmless and not a bad person, but is heavily flawed. Maybe I am making excuses & trying to justify it more to myself but I really don’t think he’s an awful person, he just makes very awful choices.

Show quote history

If he behaves like this at 31, I doubt he will change. Goodness.

Please tell me you aren’t going to clean his house for him after this thread.

CockyTeeHunz4Eva · 16/06/2023 05:42

FrozenGhost · 16/06/2023 04:04

YABU to not LTB.

Seconded.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:45

Freefall212 · 16/06/2023 05:06

You are an adult, you don’t need looking after. And he is an adult so you should be looking after him. But if you have set up a dynamic where he pays for things and looks after you then it does make sense that you clean and also look after him. Traditional gender roles and this idea of looking after other adults is not my idea of a healthy relationship but if it’s yours, the. It goes both ways.

I say I pay for most of our dates & trips away (If I didn’t organize them we would probably end up in Tim Buck Two). He often brags (yes, brags) to people about how independent I am, how I pay for things, and surprise him by paying the bill (he goes to the bathroom when it arrives or when we’re due to leave). You know the truth is I don’t even want to be independent (at least not always), I want to be spoiled! If he paid for every date we had & trips (with a little gift here and there), then I would happily clean his house anytime without complaint.

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 16/06/2023 05:51

Are you so desperate for a man that you will put up with this filthy, lazy, weed addicted slob and pay for the privilege?
Come on OP- your 24, chuck this one back, there's more to life than this!

EarringsandLipstick · 16/06/2023 05:51

I say I pay for most of our dates & trips away (If I didn’t organize them we would probably end up in Tim Buck Two). He often brags (yes, brags) to people about how independent I am, how I pay for things, and surprise him by paying the bill (he goes to the bathroom when it arrives or when we’re due to leave). You know the truth is I don’t even want to be independent (at least not always), I want to be spoiled! If he paid for every date we had & trips (with a little gift here and there), then I would happily clean his house anytime without complaint.

Sorry, OP, I don't think the issue is that his house is filthy, though it is.

I think you sound really immature and that you are currently using him as someone to hang out with & an escape from living with your parents. This isn't a relationship & I don't think you see it as such.

Of course he's gross - physically living in squalor & smoking weed, not sure what he does for work. But the problem is you here - you aren't really in any kind of meaningful relationship. Finish this & focus on your plans to move abroad, raise your standards.

Original poster
crabtheway · 16/06/2023 05:54

Freefall212 · 16/06/2023 05:32

It doesn't sound like you are settling. It sounds more like you are using him for what you want (sex, a place to get away from home, bringing you gifts and not showing up empty handed). Settling would be if you saw him as a life lnog partner but it doesn't seem you do as your plan all along was to leave.

The gifts lasted for a total of 3 weeks when we first stated dating (boxes of chocolate and wine), not a fancy cartier watch!

My partner was aware I have plans to emigrate and we started our relationship knowing this and knowing it would end. It’s only in the last week he has started talking about wanting to come & making comments about marriage. I feel blindsided and haven’t really had a chance to even think about all of it. I do really love him (not using him) but I couldn’t live with him after seeing his home environment.

If he could change and show me was capable of keeping a clean environment & reduced his weed consumption, he would be absolutely perfect and I would only love to travel with someone I love (everytime we go away together we have so much fun). The chances of this happening are slim to none as I have tried to get through to him in the past but without success…

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 16/06/2023 06:00

Youa re 24. Just go to Australia without him.

Paq · 16/06/2023 06:02

Omg i just re-read your posts and realise that you’re also subbing him financially as well as being his maid.

He really must have that mythical golden cock we hear about for you to even give him the time of day.

He’s a slovenly drug addict who’s happy to sponge off a woman 7 years his junior. Stop spending time and money on this loser and focus on building a life for yourself.

ZekeZeke · 16/06/2023 06:06

My father is completely useless around the house, and my mam comes home from work to do housework, and I guess she's worried I'll wind up living that life as well

There is your answer. You were brought up this way. Your standards are low because of your childhood.
Break this cycle. Listen to your mum! Don't end up like her.

Curseofthenation · 16/06/2023 06:10

OP, I think you've bagged yourself a real winner. It's probably best you give up on your emigration dreams, move into his filthy house and have some kids asap. He's obviously going to turn things around as soon as he's put a ring on your finger and you've given up on Aus. And he will try to convince you to delay your plans. He doesn't want to go, he just wants his cash cow and personal cleaner.

Please leave this man.