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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/06/2023 18:04

It will end when you end it

Menopants · 15/06/2023 18:05

Leave.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 18:05

Leave. You don't have to be in this situation.

Why are you choosing to stay?

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:06

I have no where else to go nor no money to leave.

OP posts:
Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 15/06/2023 18:06

You resent him and resentment kills relationships.

How did he get into debt? Has he changed?

Traceyislivid · 15/06/2023 18:07

It will never end if he’s this irresponsible with a child. Are u with his parents or yours?

KimWexlersPonyTail · 15/06/2023 18:07

Same happened to me years ago, he eventually dragged me into his debt. This is bound to happen to you , took years of my life to recover. Sell the ring, keep the money and leave. Please do not marry and ensure you do not have another child with him.

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:08

When I said end I didn't mean our relationship. I meant this situation. Is there, realistically, a way of out of this. Will the grass be greener once I stay with him through the thick of it. I didn't sign up for this debt. I don't understand why I'm suffering the repercussions of his stupid choices years before we even met. I don't want someone to be financially dependent on but I do want someone to hold their own weight and can put money towards making an actual future with

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 15/06/2023 18:09

If you knew about it from the start, YABU - you kind of signed up for it, your decision now is whether to put up with it or leave.
To look from your positives, from your post it sounds as if he is trying to make inroads to the debt - even if that is at a cost to you.
If he's still not attempting to budget/spend more wisely, things probably won't change.

WishIWasACavewoman · 15/06/2023 18:10

Obviously, don't marry him.

You haven't said why he's in debt and if it's a legitimate and one-off reason which is under control, fair enough. If it would have been better sooner but for the cost of living crisis slowing down restoring your savings and his debt clearance, also fair enough, things are very tough right now.

But if he's just generally bad with money, has poor judgement, low earning potential, unrealistic expectations etc then definitely do not link yourself to him legally or emotionally. That crap will grind you down and hold you back.

I found out after I got married that DH constantly overestimated what he can earn. We've had to equity release several times on the mortgage I cover to pay off he's accumulating debts. My credit rating is tied to his so I have no choice but to manage them. He won't acknowledge or problem solve abd just exists in the hope that things will get better. Its almost split us up.

There's no reason for you to marry this

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 18:11

I don't understand why I'm suffering the repercussions of his stupid choices years before we even met

Because you're choosing to. Take responsibility for yourself. He is 'doing his thing' and it's up to him. You need to 'do your thing', rather than whine about him doing his.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 15/06/2023 18:11

This might sound harsh but if this is debt from before the relationship surely you knew it wasn’t going to be easy?

my DH had some debt when we met, but not bankruptcy etc. He’s still not great with money but we always have ‘family money’ and savings first and he can fritter away his spending money on junk if he chooses.

Abouttimemum · 15/06/2023 18:11

Did you know about it when you met him / before you had a child with him?

Cosycover · 15/06/2023 18:11

Is he is a debt consolidation program? They get written off after 6 years. He has no credit score anyway so it won't affect him.

endofthelinefinally · 15/06/2023 18:11

Don't get married. It will legally become your debt and things will only get worse.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 18:13

endofthelinefinally · 15/06/2023 18:11

Don't get married. It will legally become your debt and things will only get worse.

That's not true. If the debts are in his name, they remain his debts and OP won't become liable.

When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left

OP, why did you make this choice?

viques · 15/06/2023 18:15

You don’t say how old you are OP, so I am guessing mid twenties. Do you really want to spend the next 60 years living like this? Better have a few years of pain while you sort yourself out financially than 60 years of waiting for the next financial disaster he has caused to rock up and knock you n
back to square one.

Original poster
Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:15

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend he got into debt before we met and although he was honest about it he assured me it was nothing on the actual scale it was.

I was naive as he kept me in the dark about alot of it. He has since being with me made alot of stupid choices which have worsened his debt. But he is starting go get on top of it.

OP posts:
Darkandstormynite · 15/06/2023 18:18

How much does he actually owe and what actions has he taken to make it worse?

Identifying patterns of behaviour could help determine whether he has the capacity to change or whether this will just be an ongoing cycle.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2023 18:19

Do you live with his parents or yours? Why is he in so much debt?

I've had similar, being expected to put your hand in your pocket gets old quite quickly.

If you stay with this guy he'll carry on rinsing you.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2023 18:21

Watchkeys · 15/06/2023 18:11

I don't understand why I'm suffering the repercussions of his stupid choices years before we even met

Because you're choosing to. Take responsibility for yourself. He is 'doing his thing' and it's up to him. You need to 'do your thing', rather than whine about him doing his.

Yup

Crikeyisthatthetime · 15/06/2023 18:22

He's gradually getting on top of it at your expense. He had used your savings to pay off his debt and you allowed it to happen. The only way to save money for yourself is by saving it for yourself. He cannot afford to pay off his debt at the rate he is.
Has he ever sat down and written down incoming money and outgoing expenses? The debt payment comes out of the bit that's left. Not out of your bit. You don't have to live like this OP but possibly thought partner won't like it when you finally stand up for yourself. Maybe go by yourself to get some financial/legal advice.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/06/2023 18:22

I didn't sign up for this debt. I don't understand why I'm suffering the repercussions of his stupid choices years before we even met.

Because you picked him and continue to pick him everyday.

Weal · 15/06/2023 18:23

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:15

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend he got into debt before we met and although he was honest about it he assured me it was nothing on the actual scale it was.

I was naive as he kept me in the dark about alot of it. He has since being with me made alot of stupid choices which have worsened his debt. But he is starting go get on top of it.

Can I ask how he got his debt?

I would see it as a huge red flag that he wasn’t honest about it with you. Has that changed? Are you certain he isn’t still making bad choices?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel frustrated. You’re picking up the slack from his mistakes.

Is he working hard to make up for his issues (eg working extra hours or cutting back on things for himself)? I’d stomach it a lot better if I knew he was trying as hard as he could and trusted there would be no future mistakes. Is that the case?

viques · 15/06/2023 18:24

he is starting to get on top of it

Except he isn’t is he? He is relying on you, your salary and the parents you live with to prop him up financially. Without your financial support he wouldn’t be able to pay back anything.

Which of these has he done for himself: taken on a second job or weekend work shifts, cut back on doing hobbies he likes to save money, sold possessions , stopped buying take out coffee, started taking a packed lunch to work , set up a savings plan - however small, spoken to a debt advisor? If he has done all of them then there is hope, if not ……..