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Original poster

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/06/2023 20:51

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:26

@Weal his honesty around his debt hasn't necessarily improved. I found out he lied about investing money and losing it in stocks which has now furthered his debt

So he is not on top of it, lies about it, continues to make poor decisions and expects you to finance the whole family. No wonder you are wrung out. Just what is it that you see in him? If you left you would have more money to cope and feel less emotionally drained.

FacebookFun · 15/06/2023 20:52

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/06/2023 20:54

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:26

@Weal his honesty around his debt hasn't necessarily improved. I found out he lied about investing money and losing it in stocks which has now furthered his debt

@Lidale

The response above is a very euphemistic way of saying that he is still lying, still making stupid financial decisions and still relying on you.

Why are you being vague about the fact that he is a fuck up when it comes to money?

If you don’t face facts, tell him you can no longer shore him up, stop doing things that give the illusion of normalcy but in reality are abnormal (buying your own wedding ring) - nothing will ever change.

I don’t understand why you tiptoe around him - he deserves to feel uncomfortable. He is dragging you down. And your child as well.

You need to see things as they are in reality. There is no fairytale at the end of this story as it stands.

I am sorry you find yourself but don’t throw your whole future away. Separate until he gets his shit together.

TheDisgustingBrothers · 15/06/2023 20:54

I’m just confused why you paid for your own engagement ring?!

surely when he came to you to ask for money to buy it or suggest that you get engaged you just say ‘we can’t afford to do that’ or ‘you can’t afford to buy a ring so we don’t do that right now’

in his eyes you’re giving with one hand and then slapping him round the face with the other, completely enabling him.

Irked · 15/06/2023 20:58

Don't marry him until the debt is gone. Once you marry, half of that debt is legally yours.

Realistically, the only way to get rid of the debt is by cutting back on everything you can (which it sounds like you've already explored) or increasing your income. Can DP get any overtime? Could he take on an evening/weekend job (delivery driver etc)?

cato40 · 15/06/2023 21:01

I had one of these men, he conned me and my family and then found himself another woman when he got his basic needs covered. My advice to my children, never stay with a man that is poorer than you or has debts. Better be alone, they'll use and discard.

topnoddy · 15/06/2023 21:03

He's dragged you down to his level and it's only going to get worse as time goes by .
Tip it bollocks as soon as you can or you will end up in debt as well

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 21:05

Look up sunk cost fallacy.

Just because you have a child with him, it doesn't mean this is your life forever. It's not 1930. Ask him to leave your parents house. He will soon find somewhere else to cocklodge.

SeatonCarew · 15/06/2023 21:06

Papernotplastic · 15/06/2023 18:45

He’s still not being honest about his debts, possibly still piling up more debt and you feel that because you have a child and you don’t have any money you’re stuck in this situation?

At the moment it might feel that breaking away from him and setting up on your own is impossible. Now imagine trying to do it with double the debt. Imagine trying to do it with two children rather than one. As soon as you separate from him things might not instantly get better but they’ll stop getting worse. However overwhelming it might seem right now is it going to be any easier to make a break in 6 months or a year?

Have a look online and find out what help or support you’d be entitled to if you were single.

This is an excellent and wise comment OP. Please heed it. x

BravoMyDear · 15/06/2023 21:08

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:26

@Weal his honesty around his debt hasn't necessarily improved. I found out he lied about investing money and losing it in stocks which has now furthered his debt

It’s a bad idea to stay with someone who tells lies of this magnitude 🚩

berksandbeyond · 15/06/2023 21:10

Why on earth did you have a child with him? Leave him

EggInANest · 15/06/2023 21:12

OP has he actually been declared officially bankrupt?

Are you at his parents or yours?

If you have a job you would be so much better just spending your money on supporting your child. You would have more money if you weren’t supporting your DP.

How dare he spend money you had saved for a deposit? How dare he take your money while lying about his debt!

How can you have any control over your life and your ability to care your your child when your money is being spent by someone else and you are not being told the truth that is needed for you to make your own decisions?

I would dump him. If his parents kick you out, go to the council, homeless. You will soon get on your feet when in control of your own money and can plan.

SeatonCarew · 15/06/2023 21:12

TmFid · 15/06/2023 20:44

I really empathise. When I met my now husband in the our 30’s, he had nearly £50k of debt from a Phd and masters ! I had a flat brought through a mortgage and savings, some of which l lent him to reduce the interest payments. However, for the next 5 years I bore the financial brunt of buying a larger home, renovating etc, whilst he concentrated on reducing this horrendously high bank loan! We also then had 2 children and it was really horrible always being so hard up. However, he worked very hard professionally and was promoted quickly a number of times in our shared industry. His mother also took pity and gave him part of his inheritance early to help bring down the costs when we were really struggling. It took, 7 whole years to finally get shot of this debt but he’s done very well professionally and we now live overseas through his work. We were also able to take a 3.5 year career break for me, when we first moved abroad because he was doing so well. It may not always be this way for you and if he’s committed to paying off the debt and working hard, you may find a way through. I know it’s not easy though and if it hadn’t been for his early inheritance and my savings, we would still be paying this debt off

Show quote history

This is nothing like the same situation. At all.

ScientificallyProcessed · 15/06/2023 21:15

He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

It will end when you decide it will end. Should have been a long time ago, but better late than never.

ScientificallyProcessed · 15/06/2023 21:15

Red must be your favourite colour.

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 21:19

So before the relationship started you had savings. Being with him has used up all your savings. You are paying more than your share and he is using you to pay back his debt. How do you know if he finally pays it back.heveont dump you as he won't need you anymore? You'd be better off without him. He will drag you and baby down with.him. I can't understand why he'd have a baby he can't afford?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/06/2023 21:21

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:26

@Weal his honesty around his debt hasn't necessarily improved. I found out he lied about investing money and losing it in stocks which has now furthered his debt

I’m so sad about your deposit. That’s such a shit situation.

And your post above suggests to me that he will never, ever change, and will always be a liar who makes stupid, secret financial decisions.

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 21:23

*I can't understand why he would have a baby he can't afford

People do this all the time, under the 'it will all work out' school of thought.

More cynically, maybe he wanted to anchor himself to the cash-cow.

QueSyrahSyrah · 15/06/2023 21:23

I hate to be harsh OP but I'd argue that since you knew he was in debt when you met you very much DID sign up for it when you accepted a marriage proposal and had a child with him, whichever came first.

You continue to sign up for it daily, and probably will for the rest of your life if you stay with him.

The person who didn't sign up for it is your child. So what's best for them and leave him, look at what you're entitled to as a single parent, get your child maintenance from him, get yourself back on your financial feet.

I very much hope it's your parents you're living with, not his.

SeatonCarew · 15/06/2023 21:23

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:26

@Weal his honesty around his debt hasn't necessarily improved. I found out he lied about investing money and losing it in stocks which has now furthered his debt

Kindly but firmly OP, stop minimising his lies. Do you know this for a fact, or is it just something he's told you? Have you seen the trail of the money/ (politely) would you understand it, or is it just something he's told you to justify where money has disappeared to? I'm afraid you need to trust nothing he says that you haven't verified for yourself. He is a proven repeated liar. Why is he worth the hassle? At the very least you need to ask yourself that question, and prioritise the interests of yourself and your child. If you won't do it for you, do it for your child, please.

ScientificallyProcessed · 15/06/2023 21:26

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 21:19

So before the relationship started you had savings. Being with him has used up all your savings. You are paying more than your share and he is using you to pay back his debt. How do you know if he finally pays it back.heveont dump you as he won't need you anymore? You'd be better off without him. He will drag you and baby down with.him. I can't understand why he'd have a baby he can't afford?

Well written.

ApocalypseNowt · 15/06/2023 21:29

OP when did he become bankrupt, when will it be discharged and how much are his payments on it?

piedbeauty · 15/06/2023 21:33

It will only end when you decide to leave.

Your h is a liar who keeps making shitty financial decisions then lying about them. Bankrupt!

I would not stay with him. This will be your life forever. You can't trust him. Why did you stay when you found out he'd lied about the extent of his debt?!

Wheresthebeach · 15/06/2023 21:41

It will end when you realise its never going to change, and you stop letting him drag you down.

thecatsthecats · 15/06/2023 21:46

You don't have prospects BECAUSE you are with him.

You had savings, and were adding to them. If you were sharing the load with a partner, you'd have not only made more savings, but you'd probably have an appreciating asset in the form of a house.

Being in debt is normal for him. Don't let subbing him continue to be normal for you.

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