His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

He's never going to give up his 'addiction '
he's dragged you down financially too.

It won't change OP.
You need to look out for you and your child.

Be it drugs,alcohol, gambling, investments..... it's an addiction.
He lied and still lies to you.

Ah lost it investing... he's a gambler. Might as well be drugs or an alcoholic. Its worse in some ways because of how they drag those around them into the gutter with them. PP is right it will only end when you end it.

OP all of your posts are screaming red flags.

My partner had got into a lot of debt before we met due to his ex-wife. They had a messed up relationship and he ended up being dragged into her financial mess.

However - the difference in my situation is:

• he was COMPLETELY upfront about the situation and worked hard to resolve it
• although he was paying off debt (for 4 years) he never expected me to in anyway compensate for his situation - he paid 50% of all our bills without any complaint
• he is actually very sensible when it comes to money and now has significant savings.

In all honesty, I think you are being taken for a ride. You need to get rid.

Is he paying off his debts off through a proper debt consolidation company like step change?

If not then he will probably never be able to pay them off and he is not taking his debts seriously.

What did he get into debt over and has he been bad with money since?

Taking loans out to try and clear his debt isn’t as telling a loan out to buy a new unnecessary item like branded clothes, sports equipment etc.

I would support my partner if they got into debt but was trying hard to sort it by going through a debt management company and not recklessly spending still.
But I would end the relationship if he wasn’t trying hard to sort the debt or still spending recklessly.

Time to leave op .

He has never been honest with you about this debt.

It's hard to judge without more information, like your ages and the age of your child, how long you've been together and whose parents you are living with.

However, since you are enabling him, it doesn't seem likely to stop anytime soon. You would have to either save up some money or go into debt and leave him.

This is going to be your life.

Please don’t stay just because you have sunk a load of money into him already, he is a nightmare with money and will ruin your life with stress.

I know leaving seems mad but listen, better to have lost 20k over the last few years than 200k in the next few years.

your mental health and PEACE is more important than anything, for you and your child’s sake you need to get out of this situation.

LTB, it will never get better.

What's his earning potential like? Can he get a better job or do some overtime, try and clear it faster? Does he have a plan on how to clear it? Do you think you have a clear picture of everything that's outstanding?

OP, you won't fix him and you won't change him. He needs counselling to address his spending habits and bad decisions. Anyone who believes that you can get rich quick from investments, or pyramid schemes etc takes a lot of persuading that it will never happen as they believe all the hype that they are sold.

I have been there done that with XH in the past .

This man has burned through all his money, and all your money and you are keeping him afloat.

On a daily basis, where is all of his money going? He needs to sit down with you with 100% transparency and look at his income and his outgoings and make a plan and stick to it.

Is he wasting money on lunches, coffees, tv subs etc? Has he spoken to a company like Stepchange? Is he officially bankrupt? What exactly is he doing to sort out the debt and turn over a new leaf??

I know that you don't want to end it, but you need to seriously think about how your life is going to be with this man, because it will never improve unless he seriously amends his ways.

Crikey OP why are you marrying him? I know you have a DC but if you can’t have an honest discussion about how you’re feeling and why that would normally be cause for concern. It sounds awfully unfair that you’re having to go without because of his baggage. Does he work? I’d want to see there being two jobs! And if he’s bankrupt his debts are written off if he has no assets

I don't know what spending on 'this, that and the other' means exactly. But you have also made poor financial decisions by funding all outgoings with your savings while he is paying off the debt, continuing to make poor financial decisions, and lying to you.
He won't change, so you need to. If young enough I suggest you ask if it is possible to move in with your parents and for him to stay with his parents while you both save.
But you need to be realistic, some people are financially feckless and always will be, you need to hope he turns things round while planning a life without him and saving accordingly. If it works out - great, but if not at least he wont continue to drag you down financially.

You'll never be able to trust him or rely on him.

Are you prepared to live like that?

since being with me made alot of stupid choices which have worsened his debt.

It gets worse with each update.
If you marry him you will have this misery for the whole of your marriage. He was already in debt when you met, but has kept adding to it, you are financially carrying him. It will only get worse.

Is he on a debt management plan with Payplan or Step Change. He'd have more money left if he did that as they help you budget for everything. If he's just paying minimum payments on every debt it will take forever.

DMP's usually freeze interest so it gets paid off quicker.

1- He lied about the debt AND got further into debt ('stupid choices') even after he knew you were carrying his share of the load.

2- He is not putting your child first (See #1).

Either of these is LTB territory, let alone BOTH of them! It shows that he feels it's ok for him to be financially irresponsible because you (or someone else) will be around to bail him out. And no, it will never end. Maybe he won't be in massive debt, but you're always going to feel financially insecure because he has no sense of financial responsibility.

You say you can't afford to leave. As I see it you can't afford to stay! He's continued to lie to you and this means you'll never get ahead. His irresponsibility will keep you on the bones of your arse.

What was your living situation prior to moving in with him/his parents? Can you go back to that? Have you worked out the finances of getting your own place? If you have a small child a 1 bed will do, you either share or you can sleep in the living room.

You’d be mad to marry him.

You need to have a similar attitude to finances in a relationship to suceed without argument or resentment.
His debt from before you met is being serviced by your savings and a willingness to go without.
Ask yourself what is he doing to make this better, to pay off the debit faster? Has he taken on more hours, doing a second job or is he bumming off you?
This situation will last a long time if the debt is large, are you willing for this to happen and affect you life, wedding, marriage and ability to set up a family home. If so carry on amd begrudge his poor decisions, investment dishonesty, lack of commitment to get it paid off and willingness to let you suffer.
If £200 for a ring is a stretch for him to pay off you know the answer to your question, the debt will be with him/you forever!

Can you clarify Op?
Is he bankrupt?
Or in an IVA?
Or is he using your money to live so he can run up more and more debt or is he using your money to live so he can pay it off?
He will drag you down with him

In a nutshell, @Lidale you need to walk away from this loser now or it will never end.

If it were a debt from years ago I could libe with that. But continuing lying and getting into more financial trouble “investing” and whatnot I could not forgive

So my husband came with some debt- few thousands on credit cards. Thankfully not a lot but his credit rating was shot and he took a bit of a head in the sand approach to his finances. I think the important thing is that he was totally transparent and was open to working through it as a team. We were heading down the marriage route so I paid them off and bought my own rings.

Many years later he now has a really good credit rating and is very open about his spending or when he's looking close to becoming overdraft and although we haven't combined our finances yet. Yes I sometimes wish I had fallen for a man who was a high earner but I am very grateful for lots of other things he brings to our marriage and we are comfortable.

I think this could work but I don't like the closed off sound of how you are now. I don't think I would have trusted him enough to get married without total transparency and openness on finances. If your partner is serious he needs to work with you on this.

But you have chosen this - you are planning to marry him!

he doesn't have access to your money, I hope?

Good God, OP, don't marry this man, for the love of Bog. Get out.

I don't understand why I'm suffering the repercussions of his stupid choices years before we even met.

Because you've chosen to enmesh your life with his. And he lied to you about it so you weren't even fully informed.

Why would you stay? You can't afford to leave? You can't afford to stay! And it'll be your child who suffers next.

Yabu for staying with him