His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

Been there, done that, felt responsible for making things right even though the debt was nothing to do with me and due to his continued poor choices. Thankfully, I realised before it was too late that life would be better without him. Where’s the fun in your relationship? How can you ever trust him if he continues to lie to you? You have two choices, put up with his poor behaviour and continue bailing him out or make a plan and move on so that you can see some sort of future.

OP you can't do this to yourself. At the moment, it's just financial but men like this come loaded with other issues that result in abuse. Addicts are complicated people usually with difficult backgrounds.

I learnt this from my last relationship. He lied about the debt he was in (£10k). In his defence he worked hard BUT what sealed the end of our relationship was when I started to see the signs of an abusive person. Gaslighting me over tiny things - like saying I hadn't locked the door when I know I had; trying to prove his dominance and strength and telling me I needed a strong man because "you're so tiny" and I needed protecting.

It sounds ridiculous but these things never work out well.

Best advice - don't marry him. His debt then becomes yours.

Personally I'd let him sink or swim.

He needs to work his debt off so he never makes the same mistake again. You don't need to contribute....

You need to end the relationship, he will never change or pay off his debt. Things will always be like this and you and your child deserve better.

I would advise you to use the turn2us benefits calculator and work out how things would be if you were on your own and not cohabiting with him.

If he is in your parents house he has to leave.

Needless to say don’t marry and no more babies

Be careful of marrying him, in case you end up jointly liable for his debts.

You asked when it’s going to end?
Never.
It is really never going to end.

You have (quite ridiculously) started by saying he was honest about the debt and in the same breath said he lied how much!
So no, he wasn’t honest.

And he has got further into debt. You are absolutely kidding yourself that he is now on top of it, because he will just do something again like the shares because this is what he is.

It was foolish to have a child with him, despite that I’m sure you don’t regret your child.

You're already living with (his?) parents which means he should pay a fair share to your outgoings and still be working on his debt. Even if you lose money by paying more, it’s crazy that you used your savings up.

This is what will happen: he’ll run up more debt. Eventually he’ll go into an IVA or actual bankruptcy or other legal mechanism. At which point you’ll realise that thousands of pounds of your money and all your savings have just been utterly lost. He may as well have gone bankrupt earlier without taking your money with him.

I would leave him.

If you won’t leave him, insist he pays a fair proportion - and if that means it takes longer to pay off the debt and costs more, so be it.

Keep your money separate, do not marry him (the engagement ring made me weep for your foolishness) and for god’s sake don’t have another child.

THIS WILL NEVER END

How much is the debt

How did he get if

Is he on a low rate loan or can he move to an interest free credit card and keep moving when term ends

sorry i think youre mad to stay with him-you knew there was a problem before but carried on anyway

hes not bankrupt which actually doesnt mean much and youre covering expense

its usually 6 years so when did his bankruptcy start

This is no good. Is he still accruing debt? Okay you have lost a lot of money through this relationship but that can stop now or at least soon. Separate finances. His debt cannot be your debt. Start spending on basics for yourself and your DC. Get out of there. This is not going to improve and it could get worse.

This!

"Jointly and severally liable"

When someone shows you who they are believe them

First post nailed it. You choose to wear holes with clothes in, you chose to spend your savings on propping this man. You chose to have a child with this man amd you will choose to marry him. Why are you blaming him? He has found someone willing to overlook his little lies, debt and prop him up financially. He has had no real consequences to his bad financial decisions therefore he will continue to make them. The debt is his fault but the choices you have made are not. If you stay, suck it up.

Clothes with holes in that should say 🙄😬

I didn't sign up for this debt but you did though. You said you knew about it before you got to where you are now, ie children. Tbh how I felt about this would have a lot to do with the reasons for the debt. Drugs and/or gambling -an absolute Nope. Situations not necessarily connected to things that were avoidable - growing up in poverty, very different scenario.

What does he contribute to the relationship?

I was naive as he kept me in the dark about alot of it. He has since being with me made alot of stupid choices which have worsened his debt

FFS, don't marry him! Run like the wind with your child.

He's not living in reality. You need to for you and your child's sake.

I got seriously into debt a few years ago, DH didn’t know until I confessed. It was awful.
I took full responsibility and worked my arse off to pay them back.
Your DH doesn’t seem too bothered

I think it boils down to whether or not you feel he is “worth it”

How much is this relationship costing you?

It may all work out. He may learn his lesson, pay all the money off, never do it again and in a few years this will just be a bad memory.

It may not. You may end up stuck in the cycle of debt, lies and poverty with a poor quality of life. Is he worth that?

I personally don’t think it’s worth the risk, especially with a child to consider. I would start to get yourself an escape plan, some savings, a way out. And then if in a few months you need it - it’s there. If things start to turn a corner then no harm done.

Love doesn’t pay the bills.

Can't work out how old you both are but you sound young. A different life is possible.

Whatever you do, stop bailing him out when he gets into trouble.

You know that once you pay his debt off (which is what you are effectively doing), he'll fuck off and leave you with the DC and the debt that's in your name, don't you?

I really empathise. When I met my now husband in the our 30’s, he had nearly £50k of debt from a Phd and masters ! I had a flat brought through a mortgage and savings, some of which l lent him to reduce the interest payments. However, for the next 5 years I bore the financial brunt of buying a larger home, renovating etc, whilst he concentrated on reducing this horrendously high bank loan! We also then had 2 children and it was really horrible always being so hard up. However, he worked very hard professionally and was promoted quickly a number of times in our shared industry. His mother also took pity and gave him part of his inheritance early to help bring down the costs when we were really struggling. It took, 7 whole years to finally get shot of this debt but he’s done very well professionally and we now live overseas through his work. We were also able to take a 3.5 year career break for me, when we first moved abroad because he was doing so well. It may not always be this way for you and if he’s committed to paying off the debt and working hard, you may find a way through. I know it’s not easy though and if it hadn’t been for his early inheritance and my savings, we would still be paying this debt off

You are with a liar, who will never change.

He couldn't care less about you or your poor child.

Why would you be foolish enough to go an marry him?

Take responsibility for continuing to stay with a liar who will use you for as long as it suits him.

What a waste of a life.

Your poor child.

He has shown you who he is, and you stay for more.🤷🏻‍♀️

If he is currently bankrupt why is all of his (and therefore your) money going on repaying debts?

When we get married
do not marry this albatross