His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

Come on OP, you know you only have one life right? Why are you wasting all of yours on this man? You’re throwing yourself into the black hole of this man and his debt.

Look at what you’ve written. Your life is stagnant and will remain so for so long, you’ve wasted all your savings, he lied, he continued to make irresponsible choices, youve have to pay for your own tiny scraps of validation (ring) and to top it off, he gets angry if you complain about the fact YOU are having to fix all his failings.

Set yourself free because he will just keep dragging you back down in this misery

Its It's your choice to stay with him and his stupid choices.

Also your choice to pay for everything.

@Weal his honesty around his debt hasn't necessarily improved. I found out he lied about investing money and losing it in stocks which has now furthered his debt

The lack of honesty is definitely an issue. DH was honest about his circumstances from the start and he paid his own debt which came about when his previous relationship ended. He was never a gambler, addict etc.

We have different attitudes to money, he would rather spend than save, but he’s no longer in debt and we’re in a good financial position.

If he is still being ‘stupid’ with money he hasn’t really accepted he has a problem has he?

You haven't yet taken full responsibility for yourself. You have means; you have choices. Instead, you are looking for a magical solution that doesn't exist, and you are looking to us to provide it.

As soon as you are able to accept reality, and as soon as you can see that you are 100% responsible for your choices, then you will be able to make an adult decision.

Is he a gambler OP?

What is making you stay?

He's in massive debt that doesn't seem to be reducing. You are paying for most of the family outgoings. You can't afford your own place. You can't afford any nice things for yourself. Your house deposit has effectively gone on your partner's debt repayment. You paid for your own engagement ring. He gets angry if you express unhappiness at your situation.

Please leave. Stop being a passenger in your own life.

You said he works and you live with parents, so you must be saving money on rent, is he able to save some or does it all go on debt.

This

You need to have an open and frank conversation. He may need to reduce his debt repayments so that he can contribute equally to the family payments/responsibilities.
You say he is bankrupt so how is he still paying considerable repayments ongoing. Wasn't there a clear plan as part of his bankruptcy agreement? There is a lot about this that feels off. However there will be challenges as he has used you to pick up the load. Any repayments should have been considered AFTER equal payments between you for essentials. He should revisit whatever repayment plan he has in place and negotiate so essentials are split rather than you covering for his repayments

You have to stop looking at this emotionally and start looking at it logically.

Are you living rent free with his parents?
Would it would cost you more to pay market rent instead of funding the household costs that he is not contributing to?

If you are finally better of paying rent alone and covering costs alone. Then leave, get child maintenance and his creditors will just have to deal with it.

If not,then you technically he, well more his parents, are actually subsidising you.

If he hasn't spoken to stepchange, has tried debt consolidation or of it's not always reducing, then leave him.

It wouldn't get better. People fall on hard times etc but if they aren't doing everything they can to help themselves, then they don't warrant your support? There is a big difference between support someone who is working with you, than domeone who isn't.

You knew he had debt when you met. You stayed when you found out he'd lied about the extent. You stayed when he made further bad choices which grew the debt and you're still with him after finding out he's lied further and increased the debt.

If you're staying with parents (yours or his?) are they letting you off rent so that you can pay off debt and save quicker? If so he can throw most of his salary at the debt surely? How much does he I owe and what's the predicted timeline to pay it off?

Based on his history of keep lying and continuing to make poor choices Id personally be calling quits on this relationship. I doubt he's ever going to change.

You’re never ever going to get out of the bit financially with this guy. As others have said if you’re working whilst living with parents surely you must have something left over?

Presumably he knows that he is bad with money. It would be best for you manage all the money and have his wages paid into a joint account (but your wages/child benefit into your own account) until all the debt is cleared. It's concerning though that he invested money without telling you.

How can you have sex with this loser?

Forgetting the debt, he’s lied to you, not just little fibs, massive ones about gambling away his money.
You are enabling him to pay off his debt to your detriment. Do not move in with him, do not marry. In fact cut his lying, sponging arse adrift.

They sorry Op but I think he will never change. You will be bailing him out forever. I think you need to think if there is a way to separate and all keep all finances separate. I certainly would t marry him.

I am interested if he is a gambler too. If it is /was gambling then I wouldn’t not keep my finances tied up with that person.

It won't end OP. As long as you are there picking up the shortfall, he will continue to be foolish with money. The only way to stop this is to kick him out or leave (his parents or yours?)

Even with a child, you will be better off on your own. Don't let him impoverish you. He is a millstone round your neck. He needs to go.

Yabu. You choose to stay in this situation and hope that he'll change or a solution will appear.

You need to take back control and make your own choices, not passively wait for him to improve.

He’s still not being honest about his debts, possibly still piling up more debt and you feel that because you have a child and you don’t have any money you’re stuck in this situation?

At the moment it might feel that breaking away from him and setting up on your own is impossible. Now imagine trying to do it with double the debt. Imagine trying to do it with two children rather than one. As soon as you separate from him things might not instantly get better but they’ll stop getting worse. However overwhelming it might seem right now is it going to be any easier to make a break in 6 months or a year?

Have a look online and find out what help or support you’d be entitled to if you were single.

It's like living with an addict.
Your money has become part of his supply, he may be paying off the old debt but theres a real chance new debt will creep in as he starts to feel theres "spare" - the investment lie has proven hes very comfortably lying about this - and you'll always have to be watchful over that.

Until he has a real addict moment of accepting the guilt and vowing to really change, you'll never have a real life with him.

What did he spend his cash on?

no way would I ever marry him. Too risky.

no way would I let him eat up my house deposit or savings.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Are you a ‘fixer’? I was kind of like that with my first husband, I wish someone had told me that his problems aren’t yours to take on and solve. Set yourself free and paddle your own canoe x

And don’t marry him. Do you really want to take on legal liability for the debts he runs up?

It’s not a good sign that he has continued to lie to you. I could see more a future if he made a stupid mistake in the past and he taken ownership of it and had a clear plan to get out of it.

You say when will it end but surely you should have had that conversation with him? When will the debt be paid? Also is he taking measures to manage money better?

Women aren't rehab centres for men.

You're literally throwing your life away on this guy, child together or not. Give your kid a decent future and walk away.