His debt is making me broke

[Lidale]

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

Whose parents are you living with?

@Lidale

You are not married to him, and it is not his fault that you do not earn enough to live comfortably apart from him.

You knowingly and willingly tied yourself and a child to a man who has substantive debt. A wedding ceremony and an engagement ring should not be on your radar screen.

Becoming financially independent enough to support yourself and your son should be your goal. Any man who had to begin your relationship by moving you into his parents' house, is not a proper adult.

Nothing that you can do will change this man's ingrained habits. You have to become the responsible adult that your son has a right to expect.

If you want to be involved with this man, you should live apart or decide to have him as a kept man.
Did you choose him from the shallow end of your dating pool?

It is perfectly alright to choose a partner who has not properly "adulted ", but then you should blame him for his deficiencies.

Was it your dream as a young girl or adult female to marry a debt riddled man who would have to move you into his parents' home ? That.sounds more like a nightmare than a dream that you would hope to realize.

Build a better life for you and your son.

So it seems that at the moment, you’re paying for him, your dc and yourself.

Without him, you’re paying for yourself and dc.

is there a local Woman’s Aid who can help you?

Hes going to drain you dry, both emotional and financially. He’s not being honest about his finances at all, and is not improving. I suspect there is more debt you don’t know about, and he’s hiding it.

Two options - take all his cards etc off him and be in control of yours and his finances.

leave.

Not necessarily. It depends on the particular circumstances of the case, the departing point is 50/50 both for debts and assets (before considering the needs of the child).

I wondered this, too.

What age is he? Is he doing everything possible, such as working multiple jobs, etc., to pay down the debt quickly? Why can't he get money from his parents instead of from you?

I guess this is why women should look at the big picture and not just lust/broodiness when deciding who should father their offspring. Whether or not you can financially recover depends on your age, earning power and how much more is going to be tossed down the drain on his debts. What did he spend the money on?

You say you haven't lent him anything but you as good as are paying off his debt as you are paying all the family expenses. That is the same as you paying off part of his debt.

If he lost it "investing" then he is a self-deluding gambler and they don't change. Mark my words. Do not marry this man.

Sadly, people who are stupid with money rarely change. I think you need to face the possibility that he may never wise up and become your equal in terms of responsibility and the willingness to sacrifice and do what has to be done.

There's a lot we don't know here, such as his age, how he got into debt, how big of a lie he told, etc. But based on what you've said so far, it doesn't sound promising for the future. I would have trouble ever trusting him again. He lied once. What stops him from lying again?

If he is bankrupt then surely he is not paying the debt? Is he working?

Why are you thinking of marrying him?

@TooJoy is right about debt consolidation agencies. Some of them take such a huge proportion of each payment in fees that hardly any of what you're paying comes off the outstanding balance.

I'm very concerned about his lack of transparency around money, OP. He wasn't open about how much debt he was in from the outset. He's had so little money because of debt that you've had to subsidise him to the extent that your savings have gone down the shitter, and now he's got into more debt by "investing in stocks". That is a reckless thing to do, unless you really know what you're doing and/or have inside information. And it's reckless if you're using money you can't afford to lose.

I wonder if he's being honest about this recently incurred debt? And about his spending generally?

Financial irresponsibility has killed many a relationship and all my instincts are telling me that he can't be trusted with money at all. If you were prepared to do it, and he was prepared to hand over all financial responsibility to you, I'd think this was the only way of protecting the financial security of your family.

And if I was in your shoes, I'd be considering whether this relationship had any prospect of a decent future.

"My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off."

"I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage."

I think you should honestly leave your partner for his sake! If he is slowly paying off his debt, then at some point in the future he will be in a good place. Nothing lasts forever.

You might be able to find a partner who is more solvent and maybe even owns some property abroad!

Sunk cost fallacy. This will never get better, but its already cost you your savings, and your deposit for your own home. And your child with him is a very strong tie., so it feels like you can’t leave. There is something very wrong here, and really, you know that.
Also , if your child is young, spend money on your clothes not theirs. You will feel better and look better at work. Second hand kids clothes are fine. Life doesn't have to be this hard, but if you stay, I think it will be.

You will never have any money as long as you're with this man. That's the top and bottom of it. He will drag you down financially.

You say you are living with parents. Whose parents are you living with? In your situation I would get out and look after myself and my child. I think the older you get the more you realise how important money is. I would not let somebody drag me down like that.

This sums up any and all answers to your question.

If you are staying with your parents - it simplifies the situation.

Why would you marry. You will take on half his debts. Don't do it. It's stupid.

I think this depends on what he is doing to repay the debt, how long its going to take, and how much of an equal partner he is in other areas like housework and childcare.

My partner also has a lot of debt, he's probably still got at least another 5 years to pay it back if not more. He also has other non negotiable outgoings like child support plus all the extra costs that come from having kids. We have a child together as well.

When we first got together he had nothing left after his pay came in, but over the years he has got better jobs and increased his earning in line with mine. I still pay for all our holidays etc but I don't resent it because he is active 50/50 in the home and with childcare and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him and as a family still. I think its a lot easier when you are not struggling, if I was in a situation like yours where there is nothing left at the end of the month that would be putting incredible stress on me and the relationship.

It’s a very tricky situation.

My husband doesn’t earn as much as me so his contribution each month covered just the mortgage and the council tax. Everything else was left to me. Gas, electric, water, food shopping, clothes for DS, uniform, after school club, nights out, meals out, holidays etc ….. It took its toll on me and I’ve ended up in an IVA due to getting out endless pay day loans. Lowest point of my life and I felt like a massive failure. I’m now 2 years into the plan and husband has a much better paid job so we’re managing better now.

I do feel for you - to carry the financial burden for the family is a huge, exhausting responsibility.

FGS don't marry him

This could be gambling addiction, stocks and shares are basically another way to gamble.

You're infuriatingly passive about this situation. Although the debt is something your 'partner' did, you have actively chosen to stay in the situation, and bring a child into it too. You badly need an exit plan because otherwise this debt will be your child's life forever. And yes, you can leave. There are ways, you just need to give yourself a kick up the arse and explore them.

Also you will have more money if not supporting him. Leave.

Can he get a 2nd income, like a Saturday job, and use that to pay off his debt?

He isn't paying the debt back and reducing it, is he? There is no light at the end of the tunnel here.

He's lied to you. The problem is probably even worse than you realise, and if he is this feckless and stupid with money, is he ever going to be a completely reformed character? I very much doubt it.

You could end up losing absolutely everything if the bailiffs come knocking at your door, which they may well do in the end.

If he’s bankrupt don’t his debts end?