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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

His debt is making me broke

489 replies

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:03

I feel like I can't complain about this to anyone irl so here I am.

My partner has some serious debt, which he is slowly paying off. It's not as bad as it used to he but I feel like I'm not allowed to show let alone express upset or frustration about his financial situation that is effectively mine as well.

His lack of money has always meant I have none as although I don't lend him any money I always carry more of the load than I should. I'm mentally and financially exhausted. I despair when I think about how much money I could potentionally have now if I was with someone without money baggage. It's been impossible to save any money on my end and I'm finding myself constantly in the minus.

It's important to note we have a child so it's not a case of "oh don't pick up where he leaves off" otherwise our child goes without. It's bad enough that I wear clothes with holes and that don't fit but I refuse to see my child go without.

It's so infuriating and if I was to complain about this to dp he would take it as an attack or offense so I can't. It's even the case of our future, I wonder what lies ahead for us as a family with him. We are still living with parents since we can't afford to get out. I had savings for a depoist that all went down the drain when he/we needed money for this that and the other. When I came into my savings he basically fixated all his money on his debt so I covered everything else and consequently we have none left.

I don't know when we will be able to save up and leave. When we get married we at best will be able to afford a wedding in a garden if I'm lucky. My engagement ring cos a mere 200 pounds, which is fine, had I not had to PAY FOR MY OWN RING because he couldn't afford it. He eventually paid me back in installments, a year later, after a lot of nagging and arguments.

Just feeling really down about my present and future financial aspects. He is now currently "bankrupt" and has no credit score. I'm in the minus again. When will this end.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 17/06/2023 21:03

Please find a way to leave. Do not, under any circumstances marry this man, and don’t let him saddle you with any more expenses.

I was nearly bankrupted by a partner many years ago from his shifty behaviour, hiding his expenses and refusing to talk about financials. He once told me he was 5k in debt. It was actually 35k and I stupidly stayed and tried to help him out. By the time I left he was out of control and was about 55k in debt (gambling mostly and fancy cars). A few years ago I heard his parents had wiped out 100k of his debt. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s up to his eyeballs again. It never ends.

It took me years to recover. Thankfully I didn’t marry him as I’d probably still be paying for his financial irresponsibility.

Leave op and don’t look back.

mathanxiety · 17/06/2023 21:21

You are enabling him by allowing him to sponge off you.

You bought your own engagement ring fgs, and you're still hoping for a wedding.

You will be the author of your own ruin here, OP, as long as you keep on hoping against all evidence to the contrary that a different and better life lies ahead for you and this liar and waster.

Stop living on the fumes generated by toxic optimism.

You need to take back control of your own life by severing ties with him.

He will drag you and your child down with him as far down as you can imagine in your worst nightmares if you let him.

DO NOT marry this leech. Stop thinking about a future with him.

You're deeply mired in the sunken costs fallacy here - you've come this far/ you have a child/ you have pie eyed dreams off marriage (and that ring)...
Back away from all of your dreams of the future and disengage from him comprehensively.

Snugglemonkey · 17/06/2023 22:02

Lidale · 15/06/2023 18:08

When I said end I didn't mean our relationship. I meant this situation. Is there, realistically, a way of out of this. Will the grass be greener once I stay with him through the thick of it. I didn't sign up for this debt. I don't understand why I'm suffering the repercussions of his stupid choices years before we even met. I don't want someone to be financially dependent on but I do want someone to hold their own weight and can put money towards making an actual future with

No, there is no way out of this. You are suffering because you picked him. He came with this baggage. It is so horrible for you,but you can only end it by leaving him.

Itsanotherhreatday · 18/06/2023 05:02

It is so horrible for you,but you can only end it by leaving him

I think we all know she’ll leave, it’s just a question of when.

She could leave now, she won’t, or she could leave in 10 years worse off than she is now or 20 years and totally broken with a damaged child who will repeat the cycle.

RachaelN · 18/06/2023 07:46

Are you in a relationship with my ex? 😅
I did the same for 6 years, two children, constantly on the breadline because of his debt and over spending.
Eventually (luckily) he cheated on me and it was the final straw for me to pack up my kids and get out of there.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 18/06/2023 07:59

This is ridiculous. Are you even reading what you’ve wrote? And for some reason you’re still going to marry this person?

Twentytwothousand · 18/06/2023 09:21

£10k isn’t very much debt for someone taking home £2k a month with no rent to pay. You’d be home and dry within a year even if he is paying for 70% of the food. The issue is that this income is your shared income because you have a child and are a team. You have the right to know what’s coming in and what’s going out and, crucially, where it’s going. I really think an Experian search is the way to go. Either he owes much more or he’s not paying down his debts. You don’t need to pay down at £1 if your total debt is £10k but you’re bringing home £24k a year with no rent/mortgage. Petrol and food don’t cost 1,999 a month. Buying stocks and shares is fine but WITH your agreement.

THEDEACON · 18/06/2023 15:21

This is financial and emotional abuse Walk away and take your money with you!

Gerrataere · 18/06/2023 15:37

@Lidale I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if it’s moved on. My ex was hiding how bad with money he was until things started coming to head. Initially I let some things go, I happened to get a small windfall and whilst the odd £500-£1k debt kept popping up from the past (or ‘forgetting’ to pay bills like council tax) we kept on top of it. Until that money ran out of course. So I started making a plan with the end game being that I was leaving. We started claiming UC top up which went into my account. I looked up what I’d get if I was single, rang UC for advice and they said I could claim single before moving out as many people can’t just find another property instantly. So I did that and told him it was over. It took 4 months of saving the ‘excess’ but I had enough for a deposit for my own place. I paid towards energy, bought all the food and had the council tax in my name at the time (including still paying off yet another bill he hadn’t for a year) until I left, then it became his problem. My life has been so much better since.

He’s spiralling into even more debt, I know he’s not opening council letters again. I had to leave because people like that drag you into the financial abyss with them. No if or buts.

Shamsie24 · 18/06/2023 21:14

Yes - this situation can be 'got out of'.

The most important question here is are his creditors legal lenders? If he's borrowed off Harry Hardman who'll come looking to break his bones then obviously the debt will have to be paid off.
If the creditors are legal lenders - that is banks, store cards, credit cards, legitimate loan companies etc - in certain circumstances (see below), your partner can simply refuse to pay the debts. If, after six years, your partner has made no interim payments towards the debt and has had no contact with his creditors for six years (no interim payments and no correspondence or communication), and if a County Court Judgement has not been obtained by creditors at the end of the six years (you just have to write and ask - costs about £3.50), the debt is considered legally uncollectable and 'timed out'. This does not mean the debt is written off - it means the creditor cannot legally take action to recover the monies owed. Any further action by the creditors outside the six year period is deemed illegal and you could sue them for harassment.

Despite what they threaten in their letters, very few companies actually bother going to court to recover these debts. It's an expensive, time-consuming hassle to them, and every financial organisation has a 'write-off' section. If a CCJ has been lodged against your partner, then that will have to be paid - 50p a week, but most big companies don't bother even applying to go to Court, despite the threats in their letters.

If he is considering signing up with a debt 'consolidation' company - DON'T. If he already has, and he has signed paperwork, get free legal advice online on how to get out of it - fairly simple, just stop giving them monthly payments. These companies charge a fee which they take from the first payments made to them - it doesn't go to repay the loan, it goes in their pockets! They don't advertise that bit!

The 'certain circumstances' can be quite complex, which is why I strongly recommend you look at the websites for Citizens Advice and other free advisory services -National Debt Advice was very good for me, but be careful you're not dealing with one of the debt 'consolidation' agencies - basically if someone asks for a fee, they're not a free advisory service.

There are repercussions: people coming to your door demanding some form of payment - just grit your teeth and say it's nothing to do with you and your partner isn't in; perhaps information gathering from your neighbours - embarrassing but not fatal; he won't be able to 'own' anything substantial such as a car within the six year time frame as it could be seized - but that's good as it means everything of value will have to be put in your name. His credit rating will be shot - he will be turned down for certain credit cards (try Capital One, they lend to anyone!), current bank accounts (try HSBC, again, they'll take anyone!), bank loans and mortgages will not be given. Well, take the view that he hasn't got them now so it'll be no different anyway!

If you marry him, his debts WILL NOT become yours. They were incurred before your marriage. Watch he doesn't start collecting debts whilst you're married though as you could get dragged in then!

If you're looking for light at the end of the tunnel - it is there. Don't despair, there are loads of excellent organisations designed to help you available online and on the phone. If you simply don't know where to start, contact the Samaritans - they'll know who to put you in touch with. As you've got housing issues as well, contact Shelter - they're not just for street-sleepers - they were brilliant when I was in trouble.

Priority - put yourself on the Council housing waiting list as a single parent - you can decide if you want your partner to move in with you if and when you get offered a decent property. If the lease of the council property is in your name only, if he does go mad with the money again, you can just kick him out with no material hardship to you or your child.

I wish I could give you a big hug - you sound worried to death. Don't be - it's resolvable - boring, but resolvable. And if your boyfriend can time his debts out, you'll even have money for clothes for yourself. Without holes!

Very best of luck.

Shamsie24 · 18/06/2023 21:29

You don't have to be on a debt consolidation programme to get your unsecured debts written off after six years - it's the law and applies to everyone! Do not go near debt consolidation programmes - they are a con. They charge a fee, and then pocket the first payments immediately, paying nothing towards the debt. This is legal - this is their fee - don't touch them - go to Shelter, Samaritans, National Debt - excellent, free advice.

LizzyA123 · 19/06/2023 08:23

Delay any wedding plans until you are sure you want to commit to this guy and he is definitely making significant progress in clearing his debt and not creating more. Do not have anything financial in joint names as you don’t want your credit worthiness affected by his debt. Go to citizens advice together and see what they can suggest to help him (or both of you if you are still committed) with a debt management plan etc.

Stewball01 · 19/06/2023 11:04

Take your child and to your parents. Give him up. Enough is enough.

Honeychickpea · 19/06/2023 11:56

Stewball01 · 19/06/2023 11:04

Take your child and to your parents. Give him up. Enough is enough.

Yes, make it your parents problem, don't deal with it as an adult.

SpiralHecate · 19/06/2023 12:54

Honeychickpea · 19/06/2023 11:56

Yes, make it your parents problem, don't deal with it as an adult.

What?

The OP has already made it clear she doesn't have the means to move out and pay rent on a flat of her own. Going to stay with family is a sensible suggestion, the kind of thing a mature adult would do under the circumstances. It's not the OP's job to fix her no good, lying, debt ridden fiance, it's her job to look after her and her child's best interests. Don't be so judgemental.

PsychPhD · 19/06/2023 14:01

The short: I think one of the challenges is your partner's attitude to spending and debt. Essentially, someone who is addicted to spending and consumption. This is probably harder for him to change than the debt itself. He may not even see a reason to change. It doesnt sound like he sees the debt as a problem. This might be a 'head in sand' response. Because of this - in addition to the debt he has now - you should seriously consider leaving. Like someone might ask about a cheater: he has done it once or twice, will he do it again? Can a leopard change they spots? Especially one that doesn't even see the thing as a problem and isn't trying or motivated to be different.

A long anecdote to express that your story resonates with me, and to show why I don't think it's an easy fix: My partner had a lot of debt. We had a similar situation to you where I would end up subsidising. This lasted several years. I grew very resentful. Thankfully we didn't have children.

In the end, I managed - in a few years - to 5x my salary, and he doubled his salary (I know this is very unrealistic for many people). My partner acknowledged he had a problem, I paid all the bills and 100% of his salary went to clearing his debt. It was hard, he found it very frustrating, but he cleared it all in maybe 8 months to one year. He didn't want to do it, he was frustrated that he couldn't spend although he had lots of stuff already. There were many arguments.

Nevertheless he still has a spending addition. He isn't in debt now, but he never saves and spends all his money. Runs out of money before the end of the month. Sometimes he does buy now pay later. He has expensive tastes. He bought an expensive but old car and never saves for repairs, so I end up bailing him out. So the core problem hasn't gone. I just have much more money to cope with it, and I have my own savings. He also acknowledges his problem and tries to set his own shoppings limits and save a little.

I always joke that he is like one of those 'princess' middle class women you see on TV who have no idea of the cost of anything and constantly ask their husband for shopping money or expect him to pay for everything: 'don't you love these £500 shoes i just bought?' While the man is tearing his hair out wondering how he is going to pay the mortgage or for the kid's private school.

What I'm trying to say is, once this debt is gone, it is unlikely he will change. You will be bailing him out forever and the resentment will grow. Better to leave now while your credit score is intact. Or find a way to x10 your income so what he does doesn't matter.

Mantissatopower4 · 19/06/2023 18:30

Sorry, whatever you do, don’t get married.

WindyGirl · 23/06/2023 05:37

This is essentially financial abuse and you don't have to remain stuck. What I would do is look for a place to live by renting from someone who is okay with also accepting your child. Share with another single mother, renting with or from someone who is equally paying costs will be a step ahead for you and help you greatly. This situation will never, ever change and you will never have an equal partner with this person. Nip it in the bud.

TedEsMum · 28/06/2023 23:51

When one partner is bad where money is concerned,both will suffer. He needs to pull up his big-boy pants and take greater responsibility for his debts, even if it means taking a second job as a way to get ahead of his debts. It'll put him in a higher tax bracket,but he will also need to concentrate on putting all of the extra money toward paying off the debt. It'll be a WONDERFUL feeling to be debt-free!!

PurposelyinDebt · 17/07/2023 20:29

Unpopular comment but here goes, I’m on £100,000+ per year had a Narcissistic wife, STAHM 3 DC non biological, that’s all fine I was happy to support my family.
long term separation hot and cold attempts at remaining married.
I was told during an argument I’d never be able to move back in the martial home as apparently she was far better off financially separated, but yet always complaining I never paid enough CM, yet year on year almost £10,000 extra was transferred from my account to EX on top of what CM she was declaring.
finical abuse was always threw out in arguments, so not seeing a way forward I run up debt personally and business, stopped working and offered CM allocated payment £42 per month. Hope she enjoys that settlement. Some men get pushed one step too far and protect themselves.

SpiralHecate · 18/07/2023 08:07

PurposelyinDebt · 17/07/2023 20:29

Unpopular comment but here goes, I’m on £100,000+ per year had a Narcissistic wife, STAHM 3 DC non biological, that’s all fine I was happy to support my family.
long term separation hot and cold attempts at remaining married.
I was told during an argument I’d never be able to move back in the martial home as apparently she was far better off financially separated, but yet always complaining I never paid enough CM, yet year on year almost £10,000 extra was transferred from my account to EX on top of what CM she was declaring.
finical abuse was always threw out in arguments, so not seeing a way forward I run up debt personally and business, stopped working and offered CM allocated payment £42 per month. Hope she enjoys that settlement. Some men get pushed one step too far and protect themselves.

Completely irrelevant to the discussion, unless you're implying that the OP is to blame for her partner's financial problems.

Hoppinggreen · 18/07/2023 09:24

PurposelyinDebt · 17/07/2023 20:29

Unpopular comment but here goes, I’m on £100,000+ per year had a Narcissistic wife, STAHM 3 DC non biological, that’s all fine I was happy to support my family.
long term separation hot and cold attempts at remaining married.
I was told during an argument I’d never be able to move back in the martial home as apparently she was far better off financially separated, but yet always complaining I never paid enough CM, yet year on year almost £10,000 extra was transferred from my account to EX on top of what CM she was declaring.
finical abuse was always threw out in arguments, so not seeing a way forward I run up debt personally and business, stopped working and offered CM allocated payment £42 per month. Hope she enjoys that settlement. Some men get pushed one step too far and protect themselves.

Well done you.
Not sure how any of it relates to OPs position though

PurposelyinDebt · 18/07/2023 16:49

The point is the OP’s Ex regardless of the advice given here to contact CMS or TAX authorities is probably secured his own financial affairs

Mulhollandmagoo · 18/07/2023 23:19

PurposelyinDebt · 17/07/2023 20:29

Unpopular comment but here goes, I’m on £100,000+ per year had a Narcissistic wife, STAHM 3 DC non biological, that’s all fine I was happy to support my family.
long term separation hot and cold attempts at remaining married.
I was told during an argument I’d never be able to move back in the martial home as apparently she was far better off financially separated, but yet always complaining I never paid enough CM, yet year on year almost £10,000 extra was transferred from my account to EX on top of what CM she was declaring.
finical abuse was always threw out in arguments, so not seeing a way forward I run up debt personally and business, stopped working and offered CM allocated payment £42 per month. Hope she enjoys that settlement. Some men get pushed one step too far and protect themselves.

Not sure your ex wife is the narcissist here! Seems like huge lengths to go to get back at her? How will that work when you come to retire and have no savings or pension or security? Definitely it the win you think it is!

RantyAnty · 19/07/2023 00:36

PurposelyinDebt · 17/07/2023 20:29

Unpopular comment but here goes, I’m on £100,000+ per year had a Narcissistic wife, STAHM 3 DC non biological, that’s all fine I was happy to support my family.
long term separation hot and cold attempts at remaining married.
I was told during an argument I’d never be able to move back in the martial home as apparently she was far better off financially separated, but yet always complaining I never paid enough CM, yet year on year almost £10,000 extra was transferred from my account to EX on top of what CM she was declaring.
finical abuse was always threw out in arguments, so not seeing a way forward I run up debt personally and business, stopped working and offered CM allocated payment £42 per month. Hope she enjoys that settlement. Some men get pushed one step too far and protect themselves.

Well done you.
Messing around your children by acting like a child.