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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

253 replies

Wildswimming2022 · 15/06/2023 17:04

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

OP posts:
roundtable · 15/06/2023 17:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable but a vocal section of MN hates weddings and think gifts are 'grabby' so prepare yourself for that.

Hope you had a fantastic day regardless.

Whataretheodds · 15/06/2023 17:08

Rude not even to bring a card.

Tricky thing is that it's really expensive to attend a wedding (travel, taxis, accommodation as minimum) and if someone's weighing that against the perceived cost of hosting (some free drinks and a meal) , if the couple has said 'your presence is enough' then who wouldn't a guest believe you?

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 17:09

I think it is 'the polite thing to do' to bring a gift. But I also think people spend a lot of money trying to support their friends getting married. Travel, outfits, accommodation, hen parties, etc.

Don't write 'your presence is enough' if it is a complete lie.

I wrote your presence is enough and people didn't get gifts and I was not at all bothered. I wanted them to share my day with me, not to buy me a new kettle.

Also.... you have 100 close friends?

sonjadog · 15/06/2023 17:10

Yeah, I think it is rude not to even bring a card or a token gift.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 15/06/2023 17:10

if you have written your presence is enough on the invite there will always be people who take you at your word so yabu to then be irritated by them doing as tou asked

Theblacksheepandme · 15/06/2023 17:10

Extremely rude.

Createausername1970 · 15/06/2023 17:11

I would always take a gift to a wedding. The cost would depend on the closeness of the relationship.

Perhaps "your presence is enough" comment was taken literally? I am in two minds here. Yes, a gift is usual, but on the other hand you did say not to bother.

But, regardless, it does tell you something about some people.

Or - has someone else nicked some of the gifts?

Callyem · 15/06/2023 17:11

I think attending weddings can be super expensive for guests. Yes, they do cost a lot and yes, gifts are traditional but when people are taking time and potentially spending vast amounts of money to attend, I personally would think of gifts as a nice extra, but not an expectation.

35965a · 15/06/2023 17:11

Yeah nothing is rude.

Lkgcsr · 15/06/2023 17:11

I was surprised at how many people didn’t give a card or gift at mine.

35965a · 15/06/2023 17:11

As in bringing nothing

WilkinsonM · 15/06/2023 17:12

You said their presence was enough. People took you at your word! Don't put that if you don't mean it!

AnneElliott · 15/06/2023 17:12

Rude not to even bring a card. But I also think links to the present list on the invite are grabby! Sorry!

And if you only used that Leon then some would have taken you at your word.

SageRosemary · 15/06/2023 17:14

Round about this way there is an unwritten rule that there is a six week grace period for giving presents after the wedding. So you may have some presents turn up yet.

And, some people will have legitimately taken you at your word that "presence" was sufficient. Still, a card to wish you well in your married life would be nice.

talknomore · 15/06/2023 17:14

@Sunnyfeelgood a medium sized wedding with around 100 people

not 100 close friends....

Fattygettingthinner · 15/06/2023 17:14

As much as I wouldn’t do it, I think you’re unreasonable for writing your presence is enough when it clearly wasn’t and you wanted money or a gift. Why didn’t you just be honest?

LookUpTonight · 15/06/2023 17:14

So their presence wasn’t enough? Why say it? 😂

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 15/06/2023 17:15

Fattygettingthinner · 15/06/2023 17:14

As much as I wouldn’t do it, I think you’re unreasonable for writing your presence is enough when it clearly wasn’t and you wanted money or a gift. Why didn’t you just be honest?

Exactly, you said you didn't want presents and are then complaining that people didn't buy you a present?!

sunshineandshowers21 · 15/06/2023 17:15

i’d always take a card but if an invite had a link to a honeymoon fund or gift registry it would rub me the wrong way and i’d be less likely to give a gift. something about people specifying what gifts are acceptable or asking for money for a holiday just irrationally annoys me for some reason.

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 17:15

@talknomore I think OP said
'Everyone there was a close friend' in their post

I didn't mean it to be a bitchy comment, more just wow! I have 8 close friends and think that is a lot to handle!

HomeboundTrain · 15/06/2023 17:16

So you lied? Their presence was not enough for you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

LittleRobin01 · 15/06/2023 17:18

Why did you say that?! It’s not true. You did want a present and a card.

readbooksdrinktea · 15/06/2023 17:19

Don't write it if it isn't true.

LittleRobin01 · 15/06/2023 17:19

Most people have set up home before they get married these days and if you said your presence is enough, maybe they genuinely thought you didn’t need another picture frame or vase and took you at your word.

LittleRobin01 · 15/06/2023 17:20

A close family member of mine insisted they didn’t want presents from guests….and they didn’t!