Page 6 | AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

Wildswimming2022 · 2023-06-15T16:04:48+00:00

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together. For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something! Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it. We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given. Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends. I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise! Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

CrazyHedgehogLover · 15/06/2023 20:06

Personally my wedding day was about marrying the man I love, not how many gifts/cards we received 🤷‍♀️ it’s about spending time with family and friends, celebrating a special time.. why does it matter if some people didn’t turn up with a gift/card? Maybe they paid a lot In travel, maybe they had to buy suitable clothes to wear.. I also don’t understand why you’d say there presence is enough if it wasn’t actually meant.

mintlily · 15/06/2023 20:06

I recently attended a wedding (I was invited to the ceremony and drinks reception, not the evening bit) and I of course brought a card (and donated £100 to the honeymoon fund). However, I was looking for the card and gift table and couldn't find one anywhere. I asked several ushers and the best man, and they didn't have a clue haha. No one else seemed to have brought cards and there was nowhere to put them... In the end I asked an usher to keep it and give it to them later. Maybe it's not the done thing anymore?

Also, interestingly, my DH is from a poor country, and his relatives and friends are really quite poor, and yet at our wedding they gave us extremely generous financial gifts, while my English guests (who were well-off) gave either nothing or much smaller gifts.

I think we're not a very "generous" culture when it comes to gift-giving. Maybe this is a good thing.

phoenixrosehere · 15/06/2023 20:08

peachicecream · 15/06/2023 19:36

No, not really. I wrote this on my wedding invitations because I didn't expect anything and just wanted people to come. Why would I then complain about not getting gifts or cards? 🙄

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Same. We explicitly told everyone we didn’t want anything and those that attended respected that.

redskytwonight · 15/06/2023 20:09

I think this thread shows that a good host makes it extremely clear as to their expectation rather than assuming their guests all understand the same unwritten rules of etiquette. So perhaps the rudeness was in saying one thing but expecting another?

rainbowlou · 15/06/2023 20:12

We wrote no presents because we genuinely didn’t want any, we just wanted everyone to come and celebrate and have a great time but also because no matter how close I am to my friends and family members I have no idea what their financial situation is.
Do you honestly believe you know the wealth of 100 of your friends? Or are you assuming based on appearances?

mintlily · 15/06/2023 20:13

mintlily · 15/06/2023 20:06

I recently attended a wedding (I was invited to the ceremony and drinks reception, not the evening bit) and I of course brought a card (and donated £100 to the honeymoon fund). However, I was looking for the card and gift table and couldn't find one anywhere. I asked several ushers and the best man, and they didn't have a clue haha. No one else seemed to have brought cards and there was nowhere to put them... In the end I asked an usher to keep it and give it to them later. Maybe it's not the done thing anymore?

Also, interestingly, my DH is from a poor country, and his relatives and friends are really quite poor, and yet at our wedding they gave us extremely generous financial gifts, while my English guests (who were well-off) gave either nothing or much smaller gifts.

I think we're not a very "generous" culture when it comes to gift-giving. Maybe this is a good thing.

Having said maybe it is a good thing... It really doesn't sit right with me turning up to a wedding empty-handed. I think it's very disrespectful to the bridge and groom who are hosting you and potentially spending their life savings to share the most important day of their life with you.

mintlily · 15/06/2023 20:13

rainbowlou · 15/06/2023 20:12

We wrote no presents because we genuinely didn’t want any, we just wanted everyone to come and celebrate and have a great time but also because no matter how close I am to my friends and family members I have no idea what their financial situation is.
Do you honestly believe you know the wealth of 100 of your friends? Or are you assuming based on appearances?

You can buy a card for 50p.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2023 20:16

I cannot stand any situation in which people are expected to be psychic. This is one of those:

wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....'

Means:

I really want a present, bring one.

I was very explicit because lots of people travelled and had an alternative wedding gift list of tiny presents (e.g. jar of Marmite) as a funny 'if you genuinely can't bear coming empty-handed' A couple of my best friends checked in to make sure but we didn't want piles of presents. If you want presents, them don't way you don't.

Apart from anything else if you have ND friends or people from different cultures the expectation to just know what you mean is silly.

mintlily · 15/06/2023 20:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2023 20:16

I cannot stand any situation in which people are expected to be psychic. This is one of those:

wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....'

Means:

I really want a present, bring one.

I was very explicit because lots of people travelled and had an alternative wedding gift list of tiny presents (e.g. jar of Marmite) as a funny 'if you genuinely can't bear coming empty-handed' A couple of my best friends checked in to make sure but we didn't want piles of presents. If you want presents, them don't way you don't.

Apart from anything else if you have ND friends or people from different cultures the expectation to just know what you mean is silly.

Or maybe just millenial friends who don't know basic etiquette 😂

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2023 20:20

That too @mintlily!

byvirtue · 15/06/2023 20:21

Yes I think it’s rude to go to a wedding without a token gift for the bride or groom regardless of what’s written on the invite.

I had a very old friend show up to my wedding empty handed what was so grating was the fact I had spent an absolute fortune arranging and attending her two hen dos and bought her an expensive wedding present at a time in my life where I was single and broke. I can remember buying loads of photo frames after the wedding and wondering why she couldn’t have spent a fiver on a photo frame I would have really appreciated the gesture.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/06/2023 20:22

You did say don't bother with presents. Then say you do mind

Yes a card is the very least imo

Wasley · 15/06/2023 20:26

A card only costs a £1 ffs .

Theoldgreygoose · 15/06/2023 20:28

While I would always give a gift, you did have "your presence is enough" on the invite, so you can't complain if people take you at your word.

HairyMcHairyFace · 15/06/2023 20:32

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 17:09

I think it is 'the polite thing to do' to bring a gift. But I also think people spend a lot of money trying to support their friends getting married. Travel, outfits, accommodation, hen parties, etc.

Don't write 'your presence is enough' if it is a complete lie.

I wrote your presence is enough and people didn't get gifts and I was not at all bothered. I wanted them to share my day with me, not to buy me a new kettle.

Also.... you have 100 close friends?

Absolutely this.
I'm autistic so if someone writes "your presence is enough" I believe them. I'd make a card but if I didn't or couldn't find something suitable in a shop I might go card-less too.
We said no gifts but got a large number anyway and tbh I was quite annoyed about it.

MrsMikeDrop · 15/06/2023 20:36

Rude not to give a card, but you shouldn't have said you didn't want a gift if you did. I would always give a gift, but for some reason many people on MN seem to really resent it, maybe it's a British thing

febrezeme · 15/06/2023 20:38

It's certainly not something I would do that being said if this was your 2nd/3rd/4th marriage i probably wouldn't give? Or If say you'd been together for decades and only just marrying or are very well off yourselves and then I think it's a bit grabby to then ask for money towards a honeymoon if it would be your 10th holiday this year already, or your gift registry was outrageously expensive with nothing to suit smaller budgets (not everyone likes giving cash/vouchers)

peachicecream · 15/06/2023 21:10

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/06/2023 19:42

I did not write this on our invites. So was a bit miffed at a lack of cards. So may be projecting!

I've seen this line on a few invites but always taken it to be a polite 'if you cannot afford something, please don't stretch your finances' line. I've always taken a card and gift/ cash as a wedding guest.

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With respect though, that's how you are taking it, not what it says. It says 'your presence is enough', i.e. don't worry about gifts and cards. To write that and then complain you don't get gifts or cards is pretty ridiculous.

redskytwonight · 15/06/2023 21:19

Or maybe just millenial friends who don't know basic etiquette 😂

Basic etiquette (as demonstrated by this thread) isn't actually a thing though. People have different expectations based on their cultural background, country of origin, level of wealth and their upbringing.

In the UK if you are invited to a wedding that starts at 2pm, "basic etiquette dictates" that you should have arrived probably before 1.45pm and be in your seat and settled well in advance of 2.

For some weddings I've attended (in a different culture) if you are invited to a wedding that starts at 2pm, then probably there's no point turning up much before 4pm and even then you'll be one of the first.

If there's any "etiquette" it should be that the host makes things clear to guests in advance (and doesn't expect them to read between the lines) and that, as long as they are not offensive or obnoxious, is happy to see them and grateful for anything they might bring (whether they wanted it or not) but doesn't expect anything or note the absence of it.

Sunnyfeelgood · 15/06/2023 21:27

redskytwonight · 15/06/2023 21:19

Or maybe just millenial friends who don't know basic etiquette 😂

Basic etiquette (as demonstrated by this thread) isn't actually a thing though. People have different expectations based on their cultural background, country of origin, level of wealth and their upbringing.

In the UK if you are invited to a wedding that starts at 2pm, "basic etiquette dictates" that you should have arrived probably before 1.45pm and be in your seat and settled well in advance of 2.

For some weddings I've attended (in a different culture) if you are invited to a wedding that starts at 2pm, then probably there's no point turning up much before 4pm and even then you'll be one of the first.

If there's any "etiquette" it should be that the host makes things clear to guests in advance (and doesn't expect them to read between the lines) and that, as long as they are not offensive or obnoxious, is happy to see them and grateful for anything they might bring (whether they wanted it or not) but doesn't expect anything or note the absence of it.

This

Where is it we are supposed to learn all these rules of basic etiquette from? Is there a book I missed out on in school?

I have never known 'your presence is enough' please don't bring gifts actually means 'we want gifts really but we have just said don't bring them as we have seen it on other invitarions and it sounds pretty'.

But clearly from this thread that is a whole thing!

Snickers94 · 15/06/2023 21:30

I'm south Asian and it's definitely rude in our culture at least to not give a gift (which is nearly always cash).

LifeIsPainHighness · 15/06/2023 21:33

I really wish wedding gifts were a thing of the past. In the last wedding gifts would be household items because the B&G would be living together for the first time after the wedding. They were also smaller affairs.

I calculated the last time we went to a wedding. We spent:

Outfit and headwear £100 (which is cheap considering)
New shirt and tie for DH £60
Transport £50
Hotel £230
Food we wouldn’t otherwise have bought because we had a night away £50
Drinks £80
Stag and hen do’s including spending money £1,000
Total: £1,570

That’s a holiday for us. So I did begrudge having to fork out for a £50 ish present too especially considering they’ve been together for 12 years and have 2 kids and a kitted out house!

I wish I was brave enough to sack off present buying. So unnecessary. And so what if you spend a lot on the meals - that’s YOUR choice for the wedding you’ve asked them to come to.

LifeIsPainHighness · 15/06/2023 21:35

Also you literally said they don’t have to buy a gift, just turn up.

As an aside I always silently seethe when people have gift registries who live together and have a nicer house than me. Buy your own fucking colander for £30 🤣

redskytwonight · 15/06/2023 21:37

I really wish wedding gifts were a thing of the past. In the last wedding gifts would be household items because the B&G would be living together for the first time after the wedding. They were also smaller affairs.

I wish that gifts were something that you freely gave to someone because you wanted to and not just because they were "expected".

I know a couple of people who married during the Covid restrictions and had to pare down original plans for much larger weddings. They both said how much they had enjoyed the more intimate setting and felt it made the wedding much more special. I was hoping this might have spurred on a trend for smaller weddings but sadly it seems not.

I wonder when the CoL issues start to bite more, we'll see changes.

Cavernbright · 15/06/2023 21:40

Very rude.

I had it at my wedding. 2 close friends attended, both very well off, no financial problems. Neither even gave a card, let alone a present!
Had 2 very close friends who couldn't attend, asking for me to confirm my address so they could send me a card etc... yep, that never materialised either.

Definitely makes you look at the friendship differently.