AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

[Wildswimming2022]

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

Don't write your presence is enough and then complain about it!

Also, tbh I think a wedding* is a choice and something to celebrate yourselves, and if you want one that's fine but don't then complain if other people don't want to give you gifts or money. You could have saved yourself thousands by not having a party in the first place.

• we saw marriage as legal contract, which is all it is at the end of the day, and just "eloped". Didn't expect anyone else to be interested or give us stuff/money because we'd signed paperwork. But again that's my ND talking, I realise most people don't see it in such cold terms.

I'd never arrive without a card and gift (even if the invite said not necessary) but it was silly to add that to the invite if you didn't mean it; you can't be all offended that people took you at your word. I certainly wouldn't ditch friendships over it. It was a mistake, move on and enjoy married life and hopefully some good photos!

How very bizarre!

You are being entirely unreasonable.

"The wedding was generous - Per head cost around £100."
It was your choice to get married, your choice how much to spend, your choice who to invite. Your guests were not invited to buy a ticket, they were invited as guests. A wedding is a way for a couple to share their celebrations with their family and friends, it's not an exchange of goods.

"had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' "
If you didn't mean it, you shouldn't have said it!
I always give a card, but usually find people below a certain age don't send or are bothered about receiving cards anymore anyway.

"I don't want to seem materialistic"
"The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends."
I think this post reveals more about you than your friends. Newly married, should be glowing with happiness and enjoying the moment but you're on here complaining about some people not giving presents.

I genuinely do think people’s presence is enough ! They’ve spent money to be there, arranged babysitters potentially, whatever else. It’s a lovely bonus to get a card or more but it’s one of those annoying life admin jobs that ALWAYS fall on women - wedding card and gifts, birthday presents for kid’s parties, thank you cards etc, etc..
I was very happy lots of people I like made the effort to come to my wedding, and anything else was a lovely bonus

Hmmmm
Don't put your presence is enough of it isn't

I think it’s very poor form to attend a wedding without a gift, unless there are extenuating circumstances which it doesn’t sound like there are here. If someone is hosting an party you attend, you bring a gift and in the UK at the moment the most common gift is a cash gift. The lack of card is thoughtless as well, and I’d be hurt by that.

If the OP had posted to complain about dinner party guests showing up empty handed, I’m sure the thread would have gone much more in her favour.

It's not just rude, it's odd that anyone would attend a wedding of a family member or friend and not want to give them at least a card?

A present, a party, it's all in the spirit of celebrating. I can't believe so many people resent even invitations and attending parties.

Honeymoon fund 🙄
Sorry but what you spent was because that's what you wanted for your wedding. And what you spent has no baring on what you get off others. I agree it's off to not even bring a card and I would always bring a gift even if a small token but it's gauche to mention how much you've spent as an argument for how people should then spend on you

I see it as miscommunication, more on your side tbh. Look at how the friends that didn't bring anything now, usually treat you. Are they always stingy or just this once.
You did write no gifts needed, some of the guests might have sighed happily that they did not have to go present hunting, most people hate it. And if they usually bring you gifts, birthday or dinners, I doubt if they'd come up with the idea of gifting you an empty card (not containing money). Let it go.

You told them not to. I didn’t want presents and was quite put out when I got some. Many people don’t want presents, it’s just more stuff to sort out so it’s not surprising if a few guests saw that and went “quite sensible”. Tbh I dislike gift registry unless it’s immediate family.

It depends on the circumstances, but presuming they aren't in the bridal party or your parents who have paid for the wedding, it's bad manners.

A card and a bottle of champagne is the absolute minimum in terms of effort and financial outlay.

However it doesn't really surprise me.

I do think your invite gives a mixed message. So their presence obviously wasn’t enough for you so why write it?

Don't understand any of these responses on here saying 'don't put presence is enough' if you wanted a gift. As if once you have read it, you are exempt from gift giving.

I would have thought your presence is enough meant don't bring anything, tbh.

You said your presence is enough ... and some people assumed it meant you didn't want gifts! Be careful saying stuff you don't mean ... A card would still be nice but cards are much less of a thing now and if a guest isn't getting you a present it might not occur to them to get cards either.

Personally I always give a card and a gift when going to a wedding.

when I got married 3 years ago there were guests that didn’t bring gifts but brought lovely cards and that didn’t bother me, I appreciated the card and then paying the travel expense/hotel etc (we’re very rural in the middle of nowhere with a lot of friends and family up north and in Scotland). However I couldn’t help thinking “you CF!” About those who didn’t even bring a card (which included my delightful MIL)

😂😂

"financially conscious" more likely.

THIS.

Honestly, we put two separate households together, we had money, we didn't need stuff, we asked people not to give us stuff - I was more annoyed with the people who, on the day, turned up with casserole dishes that we somehow had to arrange to get home while we went off on honeymoon.

Don't say no gifts if you don't bloody mean it, it's not polite, it's confusing.

Then give people the list details if/when they ask for them.

Yeah echoing everyone who said YABU as you wrote your presence is enough when clearly that was a lie. If I wrote that or “no gifts” it would be because I genuinely do not want gifts or money. Personally I think the most important thing is that people are there to share the day with you so yes in a more general sense I do think it is BU to EXPECT gifts or money as a given. Cards yes they could’ve done that but many people don’t like cards for the waste/clutter aspect.

This. I would have taken that as youre already living together and are set up.

I agree, and think posters are being pedantic. I've been to a LOT of weddings recently, nearly all have had some variation of 'your presence is the main thing' or 'we don't expect a present but if you'd like to contribute....' etc. but I (and everyone I've gone with) have always given something anyway. It's just standard polite wording, like when someone buys you something and you say 'Oh, you shouldn't have!' Realistically if someone has gone to the effort of inviting you, feeding and entertaining you, not even bothering to get a 59p card from home bargains is a bit cheap.

The only one where I haven't given a present is where the invite very specifically said 'We have everything we need, please don't buy us anything, if you really want to you can donate to our favourite charity (xxxx), but please don't feel you have to.' (I did give to the charity and think a lot of people did as they later did a thank you saying how much had been raised.

Agree with all of this. Your wedding wasn’t done altruistically for anyone else’s benefit was it!