AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

[Wildswimming2022]

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

I can understand not bringing an expensive gift. But not bringing a card/ token is very rude. But really common!

The presence thing was more because there was a handful of people we knew would have to travel or might struggle to give anything, so we didn't want those people to feel bad and really wanted them to be there. But really it's the lack of even a card from a significant number of people that I find very surprising.

had on the invite 'your presence is enough....'

Yes, I think it's rude to not bring something to a wedding.

But I also think it's rude to write "your presence is enough" on an invitation if what you mean is that you're going to judge anyone who takes you at your word.

I think it's rude not to get you both a card with their good wishes in. Some people like to keep them
I've always bought a gift, even if I just put £20 in a card.
I would actually think less of my " close friends"
YANBU

The issue here is that when you're planning a wedding you have a lot of people chasing you for your registry link... Certainly my experience.

I think it's a bit much to call the op a liar re how the invite was worded. Nearly every wedding I've been to has had similar and I've always just taken it as a polite way of pointing people to the gift registry/ honeymoon fund.

Even if you give people the benefit of the doubt and say they took it literally, surely a card is the minimum you'd do? With words of well wishes and congratulations.

I understand your disappointment. There are thoughtful gestures that people can make that don't cost much, even a handmade gift (which I've done before!). No excuse imo.

Why write "your presence is enough" when you don't mean it? 🙄

More people are environmentally conscious these days and don’t want to waste their money on a present especially when you explicitly said you didn’t want one.

Was going to agree with you, until I saw the ‘presence’ comment, although still should have got a card.

I think it was a bad idea to stipulate no gifts were expected of your guests, if you actually hoped for gifts... I guess sometimes you do get exactly what you ask for... ;)

BTW, I am not in the UK but is 100 guests really considered a mid-size wedding?

Our wedding had 35 people (including us) and I thought it was medium sized 😂

PS I see several posters mention the costs incurred by guests - just out of curiosity, do you all buy a whole new outfit for someones wedding? 😮

Yes I think it's extremely rude to not even give a card, and personally I wouldn't turn up without a card and money. But you literally told people not to give you anything and now you're complaining they did as you said?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

If you told them not to bring anything then they’re just respecting your wishes.

Why write it at all if you didn’t actually want them turning up empty handed?

If you have a few friends who struggle financially then you could have put that in just their cards or told them individually not to bring anything.

It's not rude to not bring a gift to a wedding where the invitation states that their presence is enough. So if you'd wanted gifts or cash then really that's on you for messing up your invitations.

I used that phrase on my invitations, but I actually meant it. Don't say things you don't mean, then you won't get annoyed with people taking you at your written word.

Wow. I’m shocked. I think it’s very rude. We didn’t have a wedding (eloped and got married with no one there) and still got cards and gifts even though we didn’t ask/expect/want any nor have a wedding for anyone to attend.
I couldn’t imagine turning up with not even a card

We didn't expect presents from anyone, but I think it's rude to not even take a card which one set of guests did at ours.

We had purposely chosen a venue which was only around 15 miles from our town, with lots of accommodation nearby and also on a bus and train route for anyone travelling. It was also really well priced for alcohol (I think a full bottle of wine was only £12/15 something like that and we had provided plenty of wine for the tables too).

These guests showed up later in the evening, very drunk, brought in their own booze and sat in front of the bar drinking it. So the staff already had issues with that as it was meant to be no outside alcohol at all. The man sexually harassed at least two of the guests (and was also badgering me to kiss him on the lips at one point ), leaving my friends crying in the toilets, and our venue staff had to ask them to leave. I didn't actually find out everything that had happened until after they had left as the staff were trying to avoid a big scene.

I saw the man's wife (someone I used to think was a friend) a few times after that and she purposely blanked me. Even spoke to the person beside me and didn't say hi to me. So I just blocked her everywhere as I don't have time for stupid drama like that. She then cornered me in Tesco one day and asked why I had blocked her and denied that she had ever blanked me. Tried to say she must not have seen me which I know was a lie.

Obviously the lack of a card was the least of the problems but it was the first sign they weren't the friends I had thought they were.

Torn on this. We have a wedding in 2 months that I’ve already sunk £600 between hotel, hen weekend, my dress and makeup (I’m a bridesmaid so don’t have a choice, although I know some on here will say I could’ve refused to pay). Still got to get DS a suit which unless I can buy second hand, will be another £100.

I kind of feel I’ve already subsidised the wedding significantly and will struggle to fine the money for a gift- although I will do so as I know my friend would be hurt if we didn’t.

I always ask for no cards for my birthday/Christmas unless it’s my elderly relatives who enjoy sending them or homemade ones from my young nieces and nephews which I’ll keep.

We used to buy each other cards which aren’t cheap and then they’d literally get thrown out a few days later.
It seems such a waste of money and resources.

I also think cards are dying out among the younger generation so that might explain why some people didn’t bother. I expect you had gifts and cards from elderly relatives.

Oh gawd. Most of my closest friends either didn't marry or had very atypical weddings so maybe I'm out of the loop but..

Where university friends got married and had wedding lists I bought something off that. But obviously you turn up empty-handed on the day because John Lewis sort it out. And I wouldn't have handed a card to a pocketless bride trying to work a room - I'd have posted a congratulations and thank you for having me one later!

If anyone said presents are not necessary, as OP literally did, I would take them at their word! Because that's what I would say if I got married and I would mean it. I would 100000% actively not want any presents.

Have I been doing it wrong my entire life???

I am likely in the minority but I personally think links to honeymoon funds/gift lists are rude. I know it’s the done thing but I always think gifts should be a choice made by the giver and not requested. I didn’t have a gift list for my wedding for that reason. Some people brought cash, some brought a thoughtful gift and some brought just themselves. I was glad they all came.
I do buy from gift lists or donate when I am invited as I know it’s the done thing but the convention is distasteful in my opinion.

Yes, rude to not even give a card. I didn't put the "no presents" thing on our invitations, and still didn't even get a card from my sister (bridesmaid) and a close friend (who did a reading). Probably says something about my relationship with both of them and we haven't been close since.

I voted YABU but I actually don’t think that YABU to expect a card!

'Your presence is enough' but also a link to a gift registry is really sending out confusing signals. A bit late to worry now.

I am somewhat literally minded and when I've taken 'no presents' literally, only to discover that others have indeed given gifts, I have bought the birthday girl (or whoever) lunch/dinner a bit later on.

Maybe you'll get some nice restaurant invites?

Personally, I always give a gift. That said, I never expect or require gifts for myself, for any occasion, from friends. I genuinely believe that celebrating with friends and family is far more important than any material item they could give me, and as a host, I take great pleasure in pushing the boat out. At the end of the day, a wedding reception is essentially a big dinner party - would you expect your friends to bring a gift or card, equal to the amount that you've spent on dinner, every time they come round?

You gave people a choice and now you’re put out because due to YOUR choice, some chose not to and you expected the ones you viewed that could afford it to buy something?

That makes very little sense.

Even if you left off the presence bit who is to say that those you viewed can afford it would gift anything of expense. They could have gone for things on the lower end or given a small amount of money to the honeymoon fund.