AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

[Wildswimming2022]

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

The thing is ‘your presence is enough’ can be interpreted as either a polite thing to write when you still expect gifts or a polite way of saying please don’t give anything, we are wealthy enough and don’t want any more clutter.
If you actually want gifts just share the gift list and then there’s no ambiguity.

Surely them being there to share your day is more important than gifts or cards. If you only invited people for gifts and cards it would be a bit shallow.

If you said Your presence is enough, I can kind of see why they did not bring gifts. However, not to even bring a card is very rude. In my country, most people put money in the cards, even if a gift is not requested.

It is a fascinating insight in to life here that some people are complaining at the OP for 'choosing expensive food', but others are listing their 'costs' to attend the wedding as including hair, nails, make up, outfits etc., as if these things are essential. Did they really have no half decent clothes they could turn up in, having done their own hair and make up?

No matter what the invitation said, I would never attend a wedding empty handed (apart from the one stated that said please do NOT give presents, contribution to charity if you insist - and even then I would absolutely make a donation). It is just the UK social norm.

I would hugely rather just turn up with a card though, and have donated to honeymoon fund/towards a sofa/bought a gift chosen for a registry by the B&G. None of us want crap we don't want LOL.

These are apparently OP's closest friends - she shouldn't be saying things out of supposed politeness that she doesn't actually mean.

using your logic, what do you say when you actually don't want any gifts?

I wrote the "your presence is enough" thing on our wedding invites; most people knew me well enough to realise that I meant it and gave us nothing, a couple gave us small sentimental gifts and a few people ignored it entirely and gave us things we didn't want and had no space for but didn't like to throw out as they were wedding gifts, so they are still in the loft 20 years later.

My friend wrote a whole spiel on her wedding invitations about how she and her fiance had merged their 2 lots of stuff into 1 small flat and already had too many things so really didn't want gifts as they were trying to minimise as it was, but they understood some people wanted to do something in which case they were grateful for donations to <honeymoon fund> or <charity that was meaningful to them for stated reason> but genuinely didn't expect anything and just wanted people to spend their wedding day with them. Still got loads of gifts.

I think the rude people are the ones they think they know better than the hosts' stated instructions.
And hosts that say one thing and expect guests to realise they mean the opposite are equally so.

I agree. And you have a great user name!

If you said ‘your presence is enough’ then don’t expect a gift.

Personally I would’ve preferred no gift to what my sister gave me: £2.49 (yes that’s right. Two pounds and forty nine pence) taped in a card (she’s loaded and I gave her a kitchenaid for her wedding). She wonders why we’re low contact now.

I wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed to a wedding! It's so so so rude. As for the suggestion that people have taken the your presence is enough comment literally, to me that's the same as 'oh you shouldn't have' when a gift is received, it doesn't actually mean you shouldn't have it's just polite.

So what do you say when you don't want someone to give you a gift, if asking them not to give you one apparently means the opposite?

Nah this is bollocks. If someone says they’re all sorted/presence is enough/don’t want a gift I take them at face value. If they don’t mean it, don’t say it! I absolutely refuse to partake in the stupid part of British culture that involves never saying what you mean and expecting people to be mind readers. I personally don’t say things I don’t mean, so if someone asked me about a gift and I said I don’t want one I would mean it! Similarly if I did want one I’d say “oh lovely thanks, a bottle of wine/this lamp/flowers/a cheque for a million quid” whatever. If other people don’t do that, that’s very much a them problem not a me problem.

Omfg this would piss me off so much. I have a tiny flat and genuinely don’t want anything - if my partner and I marry we definitely don’t want or need anything, if people ignored that and bought us stuff I’d be tempted to throw the lot on a bonfire and send the givers of unwanted gifts a photo. FAR ruder to ignore the host’s wishes than turn up empty handed imo

Doesn’t matter, I still wouldn’t expect one if I said we don’t need/want anyone to get us anything.

To all the people who made it clear that 'your presence really is enough' and they didn't want gifts, I guess close friends would know it was genuine but wouldn't they still take a card?

The thing is that tradition is changing and most people realise now that 'presence is enough' type of message really translates to gift of money or vouchers. Hence the link in the ops invitation.
Some people are obviously still unaware.

Bollocks to that.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't play silly bugger mind games

It is impolite to deceive your guests.

Like others, I don’t know why you wrote “your presence is enough” in the invitations if you were going to get annoyed at people who took you at your word.

Many people took the hint as intended but I think the lesson here is to say what you actually mean next time.

I agree. I mean not even a card is just awful.

@starfishmummy I have a feeling I’m a similar age to you. My mum told me that you only send a card if you’re unable to attend the wedding. Part of the bestman’s job was to read out the telegrams and cards from people who weren’t there. I can remember my parents coming home from a wedding where the bestman read out every card regardless of whether the sender was there or not. My dad was not impressed by the length of the ‘speech’.
When I got married the gifts were dropped off at my parents’ house in the week before the wedding. A few were brought to the reception but only from guests who had to travel.

@Musicalsfan we were at a wedding recently and it only occurred to me reading rhis thread that the best man didnt read any cards. Maybe everyone was at the wedding - we had the save the date two years ahead so no excuses!!

An awful lot of people don't send cards any more. And in the case of a wedding that they were attending, I'd assumed they'd passed their best wishes on in person.

Sorry OP but, (and I may be in the minority here) I can't stand wedding gift lists and honeymoon funds etc. I think if people are getting married then they should fund it and the honeymoon too.
I think people sometimes forget that their wedding is the most important day for them but not for everyone else (that might not apply to you). I mean, how many weddings do you actually really remember?

I think its traditional to give and gift and one should. But in that case, you should definitely not have said that their presence was enough. Really, it wasn't, from your perspective. And it's confusing, as it looks like you don't mind one way or another.

I think people that talk about the "done thing" are forgetting that a huge amount of people feel like this these days. So when someone puts "your presence is enough" on the invitation they're not necessarily being coy when they obviously do want presents. They could just as likely be saying it because they are one of the many people who are genuinely against expecting wedding gifts.

this made me laugh because I would never describe myself as a person who enjoys weddings as such - bit of an introvert and not very romantic.

I have to be honest I just say no to the ones I don't want to go to, or that would be too expensive to attend so the ones I do go to I do enjoy - I basically see it as an excuse to catch up with a load of old friends, and be fed for free, and a bit of a party afterwards, with little to no effort or expenditure on my part (I usually just re-wear something I've already got, or get a cheap dress from vinted), which is why I don't begrudge spending £30-£100 on a present.

If it is a wedding where I don't know many people or would cost me a fortune to get there I just decline!

The idea of dreading what is supposed to be a happy occasion for months beforehand, being annoyed at giving up days of annual leave and money you can't afford on travelling to somewhere in the middle of nowhere, counting down the hours being bored and making polite conversation, eating mediocre food and then begrudging having to feel like you should then give even MORE money as a present DOES sound horrendous...so just say no rather than feel like you're doing the couple a favour. I'm not arrogant to think I'm such a fascinating person that my presence will make or break a wedding

Other than mayyyybe very very close family (like actual siblings/parents remarrying) you're not actually under any obligation to go. I've refused very close friends, family etc. and am still on perfectly good terms with them.

I've still got my wedding cards . They are a lovely keepsake .