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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

253 replies

Wildswimming2022 · 15/06/2023 17:04

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

OP posts:
Hitomi · 11/08/2023 17:32

Wildswimming2022 · 15/06/2023 17:04

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

I know this post is a few months old now but I think this is being unreasonable and selfish.

The invite said ‘your presence is enough’ but clearly that’s not how you feel so why not just be honest?

You’ve also said you’re not materialistic but then seem to be judging your guests on whether or not they got you a gift or card.

Doesn’t the fact that these guests made the effort to come to your wedding to share your special day with you show their well wishes into your married life together?

Also, just because someone isn’t struggling financially doesn’t mean that they should buy a gift, it’s still their choice what they wish to do with their own money and you should not be placing judgments on them for that.

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 07:20

YANBU The very least they could do is give you a card!

EhrlicheFrau · 12/08/2023 07:45

I think writing 'your presence is enough' and then providing a link to gifts, while well meaning, can confuse people. I'd assume in that case that you didn't want gifts and were only providing the registry list for those people who cannot bear not to give a gift. I also think cards are dying out these days. TBH I tend only to accept invites if I am close enough to the person to already know or feel happy asking what they would like as a gift, and would rather make it useful for them. I am not overly keen on giving money, but if that was what they really wanted/needed, and it would help them have a special holiday, then that would be an option I'd consider. I hope you enjoyed your day otherwise.

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