AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

[Wildswimming2022]

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

The presence thing was more because there was a handful of people we knew would have to travel or might struggle to give anything, so we didn't want those people to feel bad and really wanted them to be there. But really it's the lack of even a card from a significant number of people that I find very surprising.

Why didn’t you say to the handful of people that were travelling, ‘please don’t feel you need to bring anything, we just really appreciate you travelling to share our day’ and then not put the ‘your presence is enough’ thing on the invites.

People did as you asked and now you’re moaning.

Agree with this. If you expected a gift from everyone, you shouldn't have made out like you didn't. Shot yourself in the foot there.

A keepsake card from everyone would have been nice though, unless you're known to be unsentimental and unlikely to keep things like that.

Rude to not even bring a card or a small token gift if they are really struggling

I would read "your presence is enough" to mean we don't really want gifts.

I think writing your presence is enough was the cause of it. People probably thought you meant it so didn’t get you anything. It’s a bit like someone saying they don’t want birthday presents then getting upset because they didn’t get birthday presents 🤷‍♀️

I've been in this situation. I was invited to a close friends wedding which was a 50 minute drive. I had 63p in the bank, couldn't even afford a soft drink at the reception (I had tap water). Single mum of 2, widowed. Working full time. Life is just expensive. I would hate to think I was considered rude.

You told them they didn’t need to give you anything, they didn’t and now you’re whinging about it. 🤯🙃

Make it make sense.

*Also.... you have 100 close friends?

2, siblings, Mum and stepdad + 2 stepsisters, dad and stepmother, 2 stepbrothers, Grandma & Grandad. Mother's sister, her husband, 2 kids. Mother's brother, his wife, 2 kids; Father's sister, her husband, 2 kids. Father's brother, his wife, 2 kids, mum's best friend, her husband, and kids you grew up playing with = 32 people.

And husband has the same= 64 guests.

Friends: 8 who you grew up with - 2 from uni - one from old job, 2 from your hobby/sport/general. = 13 each.

That's 100.

You wrote on your into that "your presence is enough".

You clearly didn't mean it.

You shot yourself in the foot.

I think it's rude not to give of a gift but if someone goes to the bother of writing "your presence is enough" or words to thst effect, I take them at their word rather than thing it's bullshit.

People aren't mind readers who second guess things. You said, we won't need presents, therfore you didn't get some. I'm dumbfounded at your surprise.

I would never dream of going to a wedding without a gift! Incredibly rude in my opinion…

Big mistake putting that on the back invitations if you didn't mean it. People might have thought you were into sustainability / reducing waste I guess. That's a generous interpretation though. You basically just gave the tight / disorganised guests an out.

So this may vary culturally, but there are some schools of thought that you can send a wedding gift up to a year following the event. When I got married, I received some gifts months afterwards. So maybe you have some that will still arrive.

I think it is quite impolite to attend a wedding and not ever send a gift of some sort, regardless of what the invitation says.

I think it's rude to ignore the B and G's request that "presence" is enough.
My niece said she didn't want gifts because they had everything they needed. So no one brought anything to the wedding, not even cards and she was quite happy about that.

The etiquette books say you have a year from the date of the wedding to give a gift.

I agree that you messed up on the invite wording. Everyone I know gets a card and puts enough in to cover their 'plate'.

it's not that many: that's 50 guests for the bride, 50 for the groom.
For the sake of the argument, let's say they are all couples.
That's 25 people each, including family members.

Of course it's very rude. You wouldn't even turn up empty handed to a diner or a casual barbecue, so a wedding?

I am not sure about "covering your plate" if you are too literal. You don't give a more expensive gift if it's an expensive wedding.

It's just as rude when the bride and groom don't send a thank you for the gifts.

It's definitely the wording. Most wedding invites I receive ask for money for a honeymoon, as the traditional wedding gifts being given for a couple to set up home is very last century. I have been to one wedding which had a request for no gifts, so I took a nice card. But you can't expect presents if you've worded your invite to say they aren't needed.

@Wildswimming2022 where was your wedding and where was everybody based?
I recently had to attend a wedding overseas between the flights accommodation (booked by the bride and groom but we paid for), transport in both countries and the stag do me and my husband spent >£1k. This doesn't include bar drinks, outfits etc.

They may have spent £150 per head (hypothetically) but we still spent far more to be there on the day they wanted so I didn't feel bad about not giving a gift. Tbf, though I love the couple I'd have preferred not to go and give money but they wanted us there.

As someone who's been the bride and was conscious to get married in one home city (London) even though it cost far more that going further afield i think couples need to recognise if you pick places that are inconvenient because you find them beautiful or better value likely your guests will be put out and you may not get the gifts you think you deserve

My wedding was low cost and informal and I spoke to everyone beforehand to say that them just being there would be enough and please no presents or cards.
A few gave us money towards the honeymoon, but privately.

OP I did the same as you at my wedding and had the same surprising response from some friends. Friends in question did not have to travel for the wedding, were financially well off and did not even provide so much as a card of well wishes. A few did not buy presents and that didn’t bothered me, but the lack of even a card was a shock.

I would have taken "your presence is enough" literally - I am ND though 😁. I would still have brought a card.

Not even a card is extremely rude mannered

I am on a low wage, but I would normally take a card.

For a gift, I normally make something, like a photo frame with a print-out of their names, wedding details etc. It's cheap but looks lovely.

The working class wouldn't dream of attending a wedding without a gift makes me laugh these stingy middle class folk!