AIBU to think it's rude to not bring a gift or even a card to a wedding?!

[Wildswimming2022]

Got married recently, it was a medium sized wedding with around 100 people. There were a significant number of people who didn't give a gift or even a card. The wedding was generous - canapes, sit down dinner and unlimited drinks provided. Per head cost around £100. Everyone there was a close friend, so I'm really surprised that many of the guests thought it acceptable to give nothing at all as a token of appreciation or to wish us well into our married lives together.

For context, our friends aren't struggling financially. The few who might be slightly, we know who they are, and they all gave something!

Maybe some felt like they travelled to get there, though it was in the city that most of the guests live, so I don't feel like that explains it.

We didn't want to force people to give, and wanted to give people an out if there was a genuine reason they couldn't give something, so had on the invite 'your presence is enough....' but then links to the gift registry and honeymoon fund. When I've seen the same written on others' invites I've always interpreted it as a polite ask, and have given.

Most didn't interpret in this way, and some were incredibly thoughtful and generous. The whole thing seems to have revealed a lot about these people we call close-friends.

I don't want to seem materialistic, I'm certainly not after lavish gifts, this post is more about the gesture and I'd thought it was very basic etiquette to give a gift at a wedding. I always have done and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise!

Do others think this is normal or acceptable?

I voted YABU for the simple fact that you put 'Your presence is enough!' You are basically saying - don't buy gifts, we have what we need! And by then giving links to the honeymoon fund, you are sending mixed messages.

If you want a gift, why say "Your presence is enough"? I would take that as an active assertion that you don't expect people to give anything.
Lots of people are trying to avoid pointless exchanges of gifts these days, often for environmental reasons, and they might think you were endorsing this avoidance.
It seems so complicated to say 'we don't need a gift' and then get cross because you haven't been given a gift. How on earth are people meant to make sense of this unless they are telepathic?

I think it's rude to write 'your presence is enough' on the invitation and then complain you don't get gifts. You obviously didn't mean it so why write it?

I think this is a really interesting point of view as it is so different to my view of weddings and just makes me remember how different we all are.

I feel as if I am doing the bride and groom a favour by turning up to support them. Not because I am so special, but just because weddings to me are utterly tedious (mostly). I have to eat food I dont want and listen to music that I wouldn't choose. Wait hours in between events, have to listen to bad speeches, faff around taking photos.

When I get invited to a wedding, I think it is lovely on one hand because it is a declaration of love which is romantic. But then I think about all the costs to me and gear myself up for it. I certainly don't think they are doing me a favour by inviting me or feel in anyway entertained. I am there for them because I know it is meaningful to them to have their close people there. I get little from it, it is mostly a huge cost and imposition on my time.

From reading your reply, it seems as if you get a lot more enjoyment from them, which I suppose would colour our views on whether to take gifts when implied not to. I really like your view and wish I could be a lilite more enthusiastic!

Super rude! There was only one couple who didn’t give a card or present at our wedding and I still think about it now when I see them, 7 years later!

I feel as if I am doing the bride and groom a favour by turning up to support them.

interesting. I feel like I am invited by obligation (boring old Aunty 😂), or because they are genuinely happy to see me.

People get so upset when they are left out .

We said gifts weren’t required at our wedding as most of our guests travelled either nationally or internationally to be at the wedding. We still got gifts from many which we absolutely appreciated.

I couldn’t go to a wedding without a gift. Even if I donate or buy something via the registry, i still like to give a token gift along with a card.

Its hard as some people obviously took “your presence is enough” literally or thought great we don’t need to buy anything.

I think it’s rude to not take a card to a wedding, as an absolute minimum.

Our wedding is in 9 days and we have said absolutely nothing about gifts or cards. The couple of people who have asked I've just said 'It's entirely up to you, there is nothing we need, if you want to give a gift don't go to any trouble but we will eat/drink anything with enthusiasm'. A box of chocolates or a bottle of wine will always go down well in our house.

I just couldn't expect anything more because we wanted the marriage/wedding - my focus is to have a good marriage. I want that more than any wedding, card, present, cash or guests shenanigans tbh. I want it to work out and feel good.

I agree, and think posters are being pedantic. I've been to a LOT of weddings recently, nearly all have had some variation of 'your presence is the main thing' or 'we don't expect a present but if you'd like to contribute....' etc. but I (and everyone I've gone with) have always given something anyway. It's just standard polite wording, like when someone buys you something and you say 'Oh, you shouldn't have!' Realistically if someone has gone to the effort of inviting you, feeding and entertaining you, not even bothering to get a 59p card from home bargains is a bit cheap.

I have no idea what is standard wording - because I don't go to many weddings. I would take don't bring anything at face value, though I might get a card but at the same time, I might not.

I think it's important to remember if you're someone that says something is the "done thing", that not everyone will know that.

I think most people do. We had a wedding website where you could RSVP and look at the registry (plus local accomodation options and how to get to the venue). We used the main site link instead of a link to a registry. But that did not stop people asking. It also did not stop a large number of guests not bringing a gift or a card. The spread of non card bringers was quite broad and included a lot of boomers (which surprised me if I am honest). I can see why someone may add a link to an invite.

But it is odd to not take a card though?

Some people may have forgotten their card? I got married a couple of weeks ago and have had a few cards after the event as they forgot to bring it on the day.

No, not really. I wrote this on my wedding invitations because I didn't expect anything and just wanted people to come. Why would I then complain about not getting gifts or cards? 🙄

Super rude.
My MIL who I dislike anyway didn’t even bring a card and she makes them!! I wasn’t surprised but it just made me dislike her even more as there’s just no thought there!

I did not write this on our invites. So was a bit miffed at a lack of cards. So may be projecting!

I've seen this line on a few invites but always taken it to be a polite 'if you cannot afford something, please don't stretch your finances' line. I've always taken a card and gift/ cash as a wedding guest.

One of my close friends and husband’s brother didn’t get us a card or gift when we get married. Never mentioned it but it is weird. I can only imagine the fuss if it was the other way around.

If you want presents, don't write on the invites that your presence is enough because it clearly isn't enough.

If an invite says no presents but in a twee way, I don't buy one.

you are totally correct to be totally pissed off. You spent a fortune on this wedding. The norm is to buy a gift.
….what has happened is totally outrageous. But I hope you had a great day. Don’t let it annoy you. Says more about them than you.

I'm not elderly but probably heading thst way according to many mumsnetters.

When I was younger and attending a lot more weddings than I do now a card was usually only sent from someone who wasn't there - example Uncle Joe in America. As for gifts it was not the "done thing" to take them to the wedding. They'd be given ahead, maybe even the bride and her mother would invite people round to see them on display!

But as for manners....last two weddings we attended and there was no thank you for our gifts.

In hindsight you probably shouldn't have wrote your presence is enough. Also in the next sentence shouldn't have said: honeymoon fund or wedding gift registry.
I didn't write anything on my wedding invitations about gifts etc I always cringe when people are asking for money.

I do find it rude not to bring even a card and a bottle to a wedding. Did you have expensive hen and stag dos??
Weddings can be very expensive for guests! A card should be given.

Don't write your presence is enough if it isn't

Literally the most grabby post ever OP. You wrote 'your presence is enough' so people brought themselves along. What's the issue?

You're getting married. Why are you entitled to gifts for that? And how do you know people aren't struggling financially. Attending a wedding is expensive enough especially if you're in your late 20s and your friends are seemingly having weddings every single week.

Also, who has 100 'close friends'?

YANBU

I think it's rude to bring something if you've been told your presence is enough.

And an awful lot of people don't do cards any more for sustainable reasons.

It sounds like your friends all turned out to support you getting married and you had a lovely day. If you don't care about lavish gifts, why isn't that enough? Why would a "token" have been so much better?

This.

I've always done something when the couple put such a statement on the invite - with a really close pair, we later sent them a rose Bush for their garden (with the same name as their granddaughter), for example. For a forthcoming one, we're going to contribute to the children's University funds.

But you can't complain if you say a present isn't necessary and some guests take you at your word!