To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

Yeah you are. She was only going to tell her husband. You don’t get to dictate she keeps secrets from him

Lesson learned. Don't tell her anything again.

Congratulations!

You should have said before telling her that this was something you only wanted her to know.

And why on earth couldn’t you have trusted your brother if she told him?

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs,

it was only one extra person from what did seem right to you?

Yanbu, but will find most people are blabbermouths these days.

At least you now know that as supportive as she is, she's not the person with whom to share confidences.

I imagine she didn’t think that she would be the only one you were planning to tell given you’re only “pretty close” and live in different countries

YANBU - it wasn't something she needed to share at that point.

She's the only friend/this generation relative I have who has been pregnant - I'm pretty young I guess!

Her DH is my DBIL not my brother.

Agree, the op asked him to keep it from her brother. I understand why she said no. And the op hasn’t explained why it’s ok for the sil to know but not the brother and sil

So you and your husband don’t trust his brother to keep quiet?

What an absolutely ridiculous woman. I wouldn’t be telling her a single thing in future. Luckily being pregnant/having a new baby are great times for making new friends.

I despise couples who can’t keep other people’s secrets and just have to share it with their partners.

Yeah tell her nowt else.

Had you ever confided in her ever before? About anything personal or private?

I think you could have told the two of them not to tell anyone else. There was no real need to tell the whole family at that point.

The fact your parents are not supportive is an entirely separate issue. Would you have been as annoyed at SIL if your parents had been delighted? Probably not.

Well, @HandsupSue, I trusted DSIL to keep my confidence before I made the phone call. I didn't want to make the mistake twice by trusting DBIL when hearing it from DSIL.

I consider DSIL a friend, is what I was trying to say. If a had an unrelated friend who had experience of pregnancy I might have confided in her instead, I guess.

I was worried DBIL would be hurt not to hear directly from my DH. And his mum. Telling one female friend (even if also a relative) first for moral support and advice is understandable I think, but it becomes a different thing once you start telling couples and men, then it's just telling some family and not others and that's messy.

I don’t really follow why you couldn’t just leave it with her and her DH knowing. I’m not sure you put her in a fair position.

Well that's odd, but equally you don't know if it would have caused an issue between them. My response would probabyl have been "well can you make sure he doesn't tell anyone", and wouldn't have told anyone else.

Why were your parents not supportive of you telling them early? That's very odd. Would they not have wanted to know had you had an early miscarriage? In all this I would probably have been most annoyed at their response.

when you told your dh about what happened, did he say “oh my brother wouldn’t have told anyone” or did he go “shit, he’s a blabbermouth we better start telling family”

My DH felt that his hand was forced

On the one hand you said it doesn't seem right for the two of them to know before the mothers - but you had chosen to tell at least one of them yourself before the mothers so that seems unreasonable. And you probably should have checked before you told her if she was willing to keep a confidence. On the other hand, feeling the need to share everyone else's private business with one's husband seems a bit pathetic. I think you just need to put it down to a lesson learnt about her. Congratulations on the pregnancy by the way and I hope your mother comes round.

Why does she have to tell her DH? Can't one half of a couple keep a friend/relatives confidence? I wouldn't tell her anything again OP.

Yanbu, but will find most people are blabbermouths these days

That seems rather harsh. She was only going to tell her husband. Who said it was going to go any further?

Does she keep anything at all from her husband?