To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

Congratulations!

I voted YANBU because keeping this secret is not something that affects your DBIL in any way at all. It isn't some horrible thing that is going to affect the wider family such as an illness, affair, addiction, or financial catastrophe. So what if your DBIL finds out a few weeks from now? What difference would it make to him?

It wasn’t. He was being dramatic.

This! I found the same when I was pregnant - my dad and my best friend. I had never realised before how many people think their partner doesn't count when it comes to confidences!

I find the whole telling people in order/people getting upset thing so bizarre. So SIL and BIL know before your mums….so? Honestly people get so crazy about telling news a specific way in a specific order it wouldn’t cross my mind.

I think it is childish of her to insist on telling her DH. It's not her secret so why would he care? Also it wasn't a permanent secret, you were going to tell everyone in a month's time anyway. So I think she should have kept her mouth shut and put your need for privacy above her need to blab. But now you know, you can avoid sharing sensitive info with her again.

To those who tell their husbands everything -
So when your best friend calls you up to say she’s miscarried/been sexually assaulted/got some horrible illness/needs a termination/found out she’s adopted and doesn’t know where to turn to, you’re the only one she can trust and she doesn’t want anyone else to know, you’d just go on and tell your husband regardless, despite her anguish and wishes, and it being nothing to do with him whatsoever?

OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. These people who MUST share everything with their OHs as they “don’t keep secrets” aren’t being very fair or respectful. It wasn’t and isn’t your DSIL’s secret, it’s yours. That’s why it shouldn’t be shared if you’ve asked for it not to be. No wonder people don’t speak up for fear of their best mate Shirley telling her husband Barry, who accidentally lets slip to their work friend Kevin etc… People are naive to think that if they can’t keep a secret that their DH will!

I guess I just worry about things slipping out if more than one person knows. And DH really had wanted to tell his siblings himself. And telling just one sibling didn't seem right to him. And then it was a toss up to face telling my parents or risk them finding out from my inlaws.

Telling your sister I get. What if your sister had told her DH before your own DH knew, would that have been ok still?

I think that is ridiculous. Your husband has absolutely no right to know your friend’s personal details. It’s not a secret excluding your husband. It’s your friend wanting a confidante. It’s not about you or your husband.

This!! Apparently some of them do because they couldn’t keep a secret 🙄

It sounds like a lot of people would.

I myself would not.

why does it bother you that someone wants to talk freely with their partner?

Are people that miffed that a partner would be more important, or more intimate and that many couples share things?

It's not "gossips" but surely you can talk to your partner and say something like "no we can't invite Karen to watch that movie with us, there's xyz happening and it would be triggering for her", as oppose to "no, but I can't tell you why, it's a secret" - which would be a big clue anyway.

There's enough of that at work or with everybody else, I don't want a life where I have to watch everything I say in my own home.

It's DH's brother. Sorry if others have replied. I cba to rtft

but you can't expect everyone to prioritise their friends over the intimacy they share with their husband. Or family, someone else might share with their mum.

I can't imagine not being able to trust my own husband to keep things for himself, or him not trusting me. If you can't talk with your partner, it's pretty sad.

I'm sorry you had a similar experience @DryIce. I hope your pregnancy went well.

I agree it’s weird that people tell their partner literally everything even when it’s nothing to do with them. There’s hiding a torrid affair you’re having and then there’s respecting the privacy of a friend who’s asked you to keep a personal matter that they’ve shared private. If you honestly can’t see the difference then that’s bizarre.

Her response was incredibly childish.

Note it, and move on.

And congrats x

I doubt very much she’d have done that as she’s not a gobshite. 😂

However, even if she had told him, I wouldn’t have been bothered because I’d already received the support I needed from my sister.

Thinking about it, I guess my DH might have felt a bit miffed but he’d never complain to me about it. He’s more pragmatic than dramatic.

Actually, she does get to dictate who is the recipient of her own personal
Information.

I don't tell my husband everything, he doesn't ask me to and he doesn't tell me everything he hears either. Neither of us need to know everything the other person learns during their day, and I definitely wouldn't be blabbing something about another person and their health.

OP - I don't think you're unreasonable.

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'
This makes her sound bonkers. What a ridiculous response – she didn’t have to tell him. She chose to.

why does it bother you that someone wants to talk freely with their partner?

It doesn't unless it's someone else's personal information they've told you in confidence. Then it's just shitty to break a confidence because you want to gossip to your husband. You don't have a right to talk about other's confidences without them saying it's ok to,

I'm always confused by people who morph into homogeneous entities when they get married. I tell my DH my secrets but wouldn't dream of telling him a friend's secrets. I'm married to him, not my friends, so why should their personal information be relayed to DH. Also I think people who have to tell their partners all of their friends personal business must have really boring relationships with nothing else to talk about 😂

Actually, she does get to dictate who is the recipient of her own personal
Information.

Well no. The only thing you can do is sharing or not sharing. You don't dictate what other people do. As proven by the many threads on that subject, it's common for couples to share.

History has also shown that you don't have to be a couple, many people share information, sometimes state secrets, after a quick shag. Men seem to share even more than women do 😂

Also I think people who have to tell their partners all of their friends personal business must have really boring relationships with nothing else to talk about 😂

Love the goady little post 😂

Actually, I think landing confidences on someone is quite selfish, if you're going to put it that way. You felt the need to share/get it off your chest and as a result I have to watch what I say to my DH /in my own home?