To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

I wonder if she been fucked over before by family secrete keeping.

Certainly our family have tried and refusing to play along and let them drive wedges has saved us drama and worse.

OP was hardly doing her a favour by sharing. I'd much rather not be told any secrets at all!

"sorry husband, I can't look after the kids today because I need to support my friend but I can't tell you why...but please cancel all your plans and if you ever see my friend, act like I never said anything" really?!!? You should be able to share everything with your partner. It's not going any further.

I don't know what you think you're proving but your language says way more about you and your relationships than it does about anyone else.

I agree OP not everything needs to be shared with husband. However, like I mentioned above, her being your sil means the relationship is political, you are even playing politics yourself because you want certain people to know first so they don’t get pissed off so I’m perplexed why you told sil first and not your own sibling or non related friend who doesn’t have the link to your in laws (unless married in the same family) I guess if she kept it from your husband’s brother and he found out later that she kept it from him maybe he’d feel hurt and it’d cause some drama, maybe she wanted to avoid that.

if you weren’t all related and her Dh was a stranger to you all, I don’t think it would have bothered you as him knowing wouldn’t affect anything like you having to tell your family prematurely. So in future, keep in laws at arm’s length when it comes to things like this. Especially if you’re from a culture where there are certain rules in place so you can’t be breaking them yourself.

It really isnt.

But how do both parts of the couple know there are no secrets???

We were married over 50 years but there were things I never told him, especially potentially serious medical things, no need to worry him until necessary and thank goodness it never was! Similarly if one of my children told me something with the proviso 'Don't tell Dad just yet' then I would respect that.
The short version is that we were two people, not joined at the hip!

I think your sil was being an arse actually.
It’s not the sort of secret to cause any harm.
My ddil has told me stuff that I will never repeat to anyone including my dh.

Some people just love a gossip.

Are people really saying that if your husband knew your sister or your brother's wife was pregnant you'd expect him to live in the same house as you without mentioning it for 5 weeks?

YANBU. I was in a very similar situation to your DSIL- I found out my best friend was pregnant before she had even told her husband (she was texting me as she got the test) and she obviously asked me not to tell anyone until she had told him. He was going through a really rough time so I think it was a week or two til she told him. In the meantime, my husband noticed my reaction and asked me what was up, and I straight up told him it was nothing bad but it was private and I would let him know when I was able. He accepted that like a grown up- it’s not that hard!

My dh would trust me to support a friend without asking questions.

If she'd asked him to keep it a secret, then yeah. I'd think less of him for breaking a confidence.

I don't think yabu but then I don't think I need to share other people's business with my dh. You know not to tell her anything in confidence again.

Don't be silly.

The friend is allowed to be overwhelmed by the trauma/ rape and need to speak freely with her own husband.

The friend is allowed to mention something while discussing traumas in general.

The friend should be allowed to tell her husband: Karen had a miscarriage, stay away from baby talks.

You don't get to decide you are more important in your friend's life, and they have a closer relationship with their husband.

Calling people "gobshite" is not going to change anything

She was simply asking her to keep the news of her pregnancy to herself so she was able to tell her own parents and family when the time was right. She hadn’t committed a crime! In any case, at least she knows not to share anything like this with her SIL again.

I think telling her husband is ok and normal, but that might have not included telling anyone else and you could have asked and clarified that. I would have told my husband but he wouldn’t have told anyone else.

reverse it, I would be rather sad my own husband didn't feel he could trust me.

I think that SIL is taking the brunt of your difficult relationship with your parents. I agree with what's been said about not getting involved in family secrets and possibly then getting flack from others. Your DH should have just phoned his brother and asked him to keep it to himself for now. Then take it from there. You really need to start challenging your parents and putting in boundaries.

reverse it, I would be rather sad my own husband didn't feel he could trust me.

That's quite sad that you can't even allow your partner to keep a friends confidence because it would make you feel sad.

Well put

She sounds like a bloody surrender wife.

Waiting a few weeks to tell her H would not have harmed anyone.

I would be telling her very little from now on. She is the type to screw you over.

Surrendered

That's exactly my point. SIL doesn't gain anything from having OP's secret except some stress. OP does gain from having someone to share it with. And really if SIL knows (so it's not an actual secret anyway) why does it matter if BIL knows too?

He's ALLOWED to keep anything he wants. But it would be weird he couldn't trust me, especially with my own sister's news.

Thankfully, we don't have that kind of relationship where we have to watch what we say to each other. It stays between us.

I think its so obvious here who has shitty relationships with crappy communiation with their husbands . And its not the ones calling it pathetic.
Its a shame some people are so bitter.