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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have kept my confidence

469 replies

NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 11:39

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

OP posts:
Febreezefantastic · 15/06/2023 12:07

At least she was upfront about it. I always assume anything I tell someone will be repeated to their partner.

I can't stand the need for secrecy from your husband/wife. I am not 12, I don't want BFF and "keep secrets".

I wouldn't bore my husband to death by nattering inane gossips all evenings, but I don't want to have to watch myself and remember not to mention this or that in passing because "its a secret".

jays · 15/06/2023 12:07

Firstly … Congratulations. If I tell someone something and ask them not to tell anyone, I don’t make an exception for their partner. I personally can’t stand this ‘oh I have to tell my husband everything you tell me’ bs. Why? Because they keep no secrets from them? People keep a million secrets from their partners and tell a million white lies so don’t tell me you can’t keep personal information about your friend to yourself for ten minutes. I’m not interested in having a ‘friend’ that I can’t confide in. Her husband isn’t her. And this ‘oh we don’t have secrets’ bs…. All couples have secrets so maybe she could have respected yours and kept it to herself instead of using it as conversation material. Very unfair in my opinion.

RoachFish · 15/06/2023 12:08

I don't think it was unreasonable for you to assume you could tell one person something and not want that person to tell anyone else. Most people are capable of not sharing information like that. She is just someone who sees herself and her DH as the same person, meaning she can't have close relationships of her own because whatever they share with her is also shared with him. Very off setup.

RoachFish · 15/06/2023 12:08

*very odd setup.

HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 12:08

NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 11:57

My DH felt that his hand was forced

Was he pissed with you?

croft89 · 15/06/2023 12:10

At least if future you'll know where you stand with her. Basically, don't tell her anything

RoachFish · 15/06/2023 12:10

Febreezefantastic · 15/06/2023 12:07

At least she was upfront about it. I always assume anything I tell someone will be repeated to their partner.

I can't stand the need for secrecy from your husband/wife. I am not 12, I don't want BFF and "keep secrets".

I wouldn't bore my husband to death by nattering inane gossips all evenings, but I don't want to have to watch myself and remember not to mention this or that in passing because "its a secret".

It's not childish to expect to confide in friends and for them to keep it. I definitely didn't tell my husband everything my friends told me, and I trusted them no to tell their husbands about my business. Especially since a lot of what we talk about are our relationships.

Original poster
NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 12:11

No @HandsupSue but he was annoyed that DSIL couldn't at the least give us a bit of time. Even a couple of days to account for the difficulty speaking to family overseas.

OP posts:
Quveas · 15/06/2023 12:12

Sorry, but if you wanted to discuss something confidentially, you should have said that first, not last. If your SIL has an agreement with her husband that they don't keep secrets from each other, then you are asking her to break her word to him, which is not on. It doesn't matter whether you (or anybody on here) thinks she should be able to keep something secret from her OH - this is her life and this is how they choose to operate. It's your fault for not establishing boundaries in the first place, if the secret was so important to you.

Original poster
NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 12:13

Thanks very much for the congratulations 😊

OP posts:
HandsupSue · 15/06/2023 12:15

NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 12:11

No @HandsupSue but he was annoyed that DSIL couldn't at the least give us a bit of time. Even a couple of days to account for the difficulty speaking to family overseas.

So he knew you were going to tell DSIL

having never told her anything personal that you only wanted her to know before

and that she was not to tell her husband / his brother for another 5 weeks

oh and that you’d only ask her to keep it to herself after you’d told her

correct?

Febreezefantastic · 15/06/2023 12:17

RoachFish · 15/06/2023 12:10

It's not childish to expect to confide in friends and for them to keep it. I definitely didn't tell my husband everything my friends told me, and I trusted them no to tell their husbands about my business. Especially since a lot of what we talk about are our relationships.

Show quote history

I don't want a relationship like that, I want to be able to talk with whatever I want in my own home with my partner! It's the only place where you can be yourself.

I might want to ask for his point of view, I might need to share because my friends news upset me, I might just mention it in the middle of a conversation.

It's too much of a playground attitude.

I also have an over-inflated sense of importance, my own news are not the event of their week, but there's no need for them to be a state secret.

We have better things to do than gossiping all evening, but pretty sure my husband is not really into "secrets" either. He trusts me to keep my mouth shut, why wouldn't he? It's between him and me.

Febreezefantastic · 15/06/2023 12:18

*I also DON'T have an over-inflated sense of importance

😂😂😂

Talk about a revealing mistake

Preps · 15/06/2023 12:18

I'm very good at keeping secrets, but I wouldn't consider telling DH a breaking a confidence. I agree with SIL

Original poster
NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 12:19

Quveas · 15/06/2023 12:12

Sorry, but if you wanted to discuss something confidentially, you should have said that first, not last. If your SIL has an agreement with her husband that they don't keep secrets from each other, then you are asking her to break her word to him, which is not on. It doesn't matter whether you (or anybody on here) thinks she should be able to keep something secret from her OH - this is her life and this is how they choose to operate. It's your fault for not establishing boundaries in the first place, if the secret was so important to you.

I did preface the conversation by saying 'I haven't told anyone about this yet, but I wanted your advice.' I get that's not an outright request to keep it confidential but I think it was probably enough of a cue for her to have said something like, 'I'd like to help, but have I ever told you that I aways share everything with my DH? Are you comfortable with that?'

I suppose what I am saying is that, while I agree with your logic about not making her break her word @Quveas, I don't understand why the onus isn't equally on her to make sure she sets the boundaries by informing people that she tells her DH everything? She had never told me that before, not even when we went shopping together for my honeymoon wardrobe- and lingerie!! (Not sure if I want to think about that in too much detail knowing what I know now?)

OP posts:
Preps · 15/06/2023 12:21

It's not so much having an agreement to tell DH "everything", more that having a comfortable relationship and homelife means that there aren't things you can't say.

I might not tell DH something if it wasn't of interest to him/it didn't come up, but I don't want to be restricted about what I can tell him.

Tlolljs · 15/06/2023 12:23

Maybe you should have asked her not to say anything first. Then when she said she would tell her dh you could have chosen not to say anymore.
But now you know where you stand.
Congratulations btw

Paq · 15/06/2023 12:27

YANBU. It's not her secret that she's "keeping" from her H, it's yours. Getting married doesn't make you the Borg.

Congratulations and best wishes for your pregnancy.

RoachFish · 15/06/2023 12:28

@Febreezefantastic

I guess we look at this differently. If I tell my friend about something traumatic that has happened to me or one of my children I would be really upset to know that she also told her husband because once that is done it can just continue to spread. I like to know that I can say things and it stays between me and my friend. I value that relationship as much as any other relationship and I haven't chosen to include her husband in that. I don't think that makes me a 12 year old nor does it make it a playground attitude, it's just that some things that I share with friends are quite sensitive but I still like to be able to discuss them. Especially with friends who I am very close to and have known for much longer than either of our husbands. I have built up trust with them, but not their husbands.

Febreezefantastic · 15/06/2023 12:29

why the onus isn't equally on her to make sure she sets the boundaries by informing people that she tells her DH everything? She had never told me that before, not even when we went shopping together for my honeymoon wardrobe- and lingerie!! (Not sure if I want to think about that in too much detail knowing what I know now?)

Most people assume people would confide, it's not a new concept.

I am pretty sure I would not discuss your lingerie with my own husband (who frankly wouldn't care anyway😂) but I might mention " I went to that shop with NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl
I can't imagine "I can't tell you what I was doing today, it 's a secret", or even "I was with NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl today, but I can't tell you why, it's a secret". Please

It's more of a "how exciting, she's pregnant! But keep it to yourself, they are not telling anyone yet".
Don't forget it can always be "you know I had a miscarriage, she told me she is pregnant, great for her, but I couldn't tell her how upset it made me". Unlikely certainly, but that's why I don't believe in keeping secrets from your partner.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/06/2023 12:29

Honestly, it's your secret and you couldn't keep it, you had to tell her. Likewise, she feels she has to tell her DH. If you want something secret, don't tell other people. You can't expect them to keep quieter about it than you are being.

NoTouch · 15/06/2023 12:30

I am surprised your dh was comfortable when you told him you were going to speak to his SIL, to announce he was going to become a dad, before telling his own brother and then wanting his own brother kept out the loop.

HoppingPavlova · 15/06/2023 12:30

Why does she have to tell her DH? Can't one half of a couple keep a friend/relatives confidence? I wouldn't tell her anything again OP

She doesn’t have to but it’s assumed she has a right to. That’s why spouses can’t be compelled to testify against each other in court I believe. They can choose to but can’t be compelled, as it’s assumed they have the right to shared knowledge. Or, some such, I’m not a lawyer though but recall it was something like that.

Roughashouses · 15/06/2023 12:32

I wouldn't expect people to share stuff with their partners. Just why would you?

Butchyrestingface · 15/06/2023 12:33

Yes, I agree with you.

I would find it very difficult to lie in a situation where I'm asked a direct question. But what are the chances her husband is going to come barrelling through the door tonight and ask, "Is @NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl pregnant?"

Tell her hee haw in future and if she asks...