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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have kept my confidence

469 replies

NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 11:39

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 16/06/2023 17:56

CurlewKate · 16/06/2023 17:42

@sandyhappypeople
"In my opinion, when you prioritise that person over all your other relationships, that's when it becomes unreasonable for other people to expect you to keep secrets from them."

Ah. Now I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I ALWAYS prioritised one person over all my other relationships, whatever the circumstances. I honestly don't know how you can live a life like that. And I would never expect anyone else to do that for me, either.

Don't worry, I didn't think for one second you'd just be able to take what I said at face value without trying to shit all over it, but..

I didn't say I ALWAYS prioritise them.. but lets just say 'prioritise by default' then if that's easier to understand, the next of kin simplifies it a bit, they're the person I'm closest to most of the time.

But for instance when my mum was ill, she was my priority, my daughter is often times my priority, friends in need, emergency situations, lots of things cause your priorities to vary and in fairness, I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping secrets from anyone I love and care about, whoever they are, so it doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/06/2023 18:11

The particular instance that I’m disputing is that her husband’s assumed feelings about my very early pregnancy symptoms should be more important than my own expressed feelings.

It’s not about his feelings thought, it was her own feeling she was prioritising.

saraclara · 16/06/2023 18:11

sandyhappypeople · 16/06/2023 17:56

Don't worry, I didn't think for one second you'd just be able to take what I said at face value without trying to shit all over it, but..

I didn't say I ALWAYS prioritise them.. but lets just say 'prioritise by default' then if that's easier to understand, the next of kin simplifies it a bit, they're the person I'm closest to most of the time.

But for instance when my mum was ill, she was my priority, my daughter is often times my priority, friends in need, emergency situations, lots of things cause your priorities to vary and in fairness, I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping secrets from anyone I love and care about, whoever they are, so it doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things.

Show quote history

If you admit that lots of things cause your priorities to vary surely you can see that respecting a pregnant woman's wish to disclose her pregnancy in the way she wants, should also be one of those things?

I found out about my DD's pregnancy weeks after some of her friends (who know me well) who found out when she threw up. For a few seconds I was sad to have been late to the party, but I'm glad that she had friends who respected her confidence, and didn't blab to anyone else (even the other close friends in their circle)

SIL found out in similar circumstances. And if her DH had blamed her for not breaking.OP's confidence, he's not much of a man, imo.

CurlewKate · 16/06/2023 18:49

@sandyhappypeople . I'm sorry, but I did take what you said precisely at face value. You said, without qualification, "In my opinion, when you prioritise that person over all your other relationships..."

If you're saying that you meant to say there were circumstances where you wouldn't, surely keeping the confidences of a scared, vulnerable woman in early pregnancy would qualify in spades!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 16/06/2023 19:17

NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 15/06/2023 11:39

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

Your parents were perplexed that you told them early and not supportive? That’s the issue here.
your DSIL knew she wouldn’t keep a secret from her DH and told you so. Not a problem. Your parents are the problem here.

phoenixrosehere · 16/06/2023 19:18

sandyhappypeople · 16/06/2023 16:42

So you're saying that a pregnant woman and her partner don't have the right to tell members of their family at a time of their own choice?

Of course they have that right, but why tell a wife but not the husband? You're asking someone to bear the burden of that secret.. to what end, for what reason? What's the ultimate goal here? It's unreasonable to expect people in the same household to keep secrets from each other.

That someone's relationship with their husband is more important than a pregnant woman's right to give her news when she wants to and to who she wants?

The married couple's relationship IS more important to THEM. The pregnant women's right to give her news IS more important to HER. Can't you see how subjective it is? everyone in that equation has a different viewpoint and different priorities/loyalties. Not one person trumps everyone else automatically.

Let's be clear about this. Anyone saying 'of course SIL has the right to tell her husband something told to her in confidence' is saying that a pregnant woman has no right to the timing and delivery of her own pregnancy news.

Only when it comes to the SIL's husband? At no point was it indicated they would go on to tell anyone else? So the timing and delivery of her own pregnancy news was still well within their control at that point? In fairness, if the timing is really crucial and delicate it should probably be kept away from ANY family members until you're ready to break the news.

Show quote history

Of course they have that right, but why tell a wife but not the husband? You're asking someone to bear the burden of that secret.. to what end, for what reason? What's the ultimate goal here? It's unreasonable to expect people in the same household to keep secrets from each other.

Because OP didn’t need his advice. He didn’t have a baby, he has never been pregnant so does not have the same experience as his wife. He would have been told with everyone else and if he is upset and couldn’t understand why his SIL asked his wife about pregnancy, then that says something about him and nothing good. OP’s news is more a surprise than a secret anyway because they had agreed to tell everyone after the ultrasound.

Of course, he has been told now and congratulated them, but it shouldn’t be and ordeal to keep someone’s personal news for some weeks.

Unfortunately, OP has had to learn that not all married friends or family see them selves as separate from their spouses when it comes to confidences.

WickedSerious · 16/06/2023 19:55

Are men really that interested in the pregnancies of women who aren't their wife or partner?

Preps · 16/06/2023 19:58

WickedSerious · 16/06/2023 19:55

Are men really that interested in the pregnancies of women who aren't their wife or partner?

You don't think a man would be interested in his brother's baby?

WickedSerious · 16/06/2023 19:59

Preps · 16/06/2023 19:58

You don't think a man would be interested in his brother's baby?

Show quote history

I don't know any that were particularly interested.

Preps · 16/06/2023 20:03

WickedSerious · 16/06/2023 19:59

I don't know any that were particularly interested.

Show quote history

My DH was very excited to be an uncle.

BIL took an interest when we were expecting.

I have two male colleagues who talk about their DNs a lot

sandyhappypeople · 16/06/2023 20:13

saraclara · 16/06/2023 18:11

If you admit that lots of things cause your priorities to vary surely you can see that respecting a pregnant woman's wish to disclose her pregnancy in the way she wants, should also be one of those things?

I found out about my DD's pregnancy weeks after some of her friends (who know me well) who found out when she threw up. For a few seconds I was sad to have been late to the party, but I'm glad that she had friends who respected her confidence, and didn't blab to anyone else (even the other close friends in their circle)

SIL found out in similar circumstances. And if her DH had blamed her for not breaking.OP's confidence, he's not much of a man, imo.

Show quote history

I found out about my DD's pregnancy weeks after some of her friends (who know me well) who found out when she threw up. For a few seconds I was sad to have been late to the party, but I'm glad that she had friends who respected her confidence, and didn't blab to anyone else (even the other close friends in their circle)

If your DH knew about it weeks before you, would you have felt any different? Because that would be the same sort of situation as in the OP, friends would easily keep a secret from you and, rightly, wouldn't have a problem with it. But would your husband be happy to keep that to himself, knowing you'd feel a bit "sad" about it? and would you then be okay with the fact that your DH knew but was instructed not to tell you until weeks later?

saraclara · 16/06/2023 20:20

sandyhappypeople · 16/06/2023 20:13

I found out about my DD's pregnancy weeks after some of her friends (who know me well) who found out when she threw up. For a few seconds I was sad to have been late to the party, but I'm glad that she had friends who respected her confidence, and didn't blab to anyone else (even the other close friends in their circle)

If your DH knew about it weeks before you, would you have felt any different? Because that would be the same sort of situation as in the OP, friends would easily keep a secret from you and, rightly, wouldn't have a problem with it. But would your husband be happy to keep that to himself, knowing you'd feel a bit "sad" about it? and would you then be okay with the fact that your DH knew but was instructed not to tell you until weeks later?

Show quote history

Because we were actually her parents, I imagine that if he found out accidentally, he'd have asked her if he could tell me. Not told her he was going to whatever she wanted. And as the situation is very different I'm certain she'd choose to tell me anyway, so it's a different situation altogether.

If my sister in law let slip about her pregnancy to my DH and he kept her confidence, I'd have no problem with that at all. And I'd think well of him for having respected her.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 16/06/2023 21:23

I'm sure plenty of men are interested in their brother and partner having a baby and would be happy about it, but not to the point that they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from telling everyone about it. Surely, SIL could just have told him that OP had told her because she was worried, but they had to not tell anyone else, BIL says -that's great, of course I won't say anything to anyone about it- and no great dramas.

Mari9999 · 16/06/2023 21:39

@CurlewKate
I am in absolute agreement that the SIL should not have disclosed the information to her husband, but in what way is the OP vulnerable?

Pregnancy is a quite normal condition. What exactly makes the OP vulnerable?

Posters on MN offer refer to pregnant women as vulnerable, and I have never understood equating pregnancy with vulnerability. Pregnancy in both the human and animal kingdoms are just a part of the normal reproductive ptocess. Unless the OP has been diagnosed a having a high risk pregnancy, what exactly is making her vulnerable?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 16/06/2023 21:43

Jesus christ of course YANBU!

"I don't keep secrets from my husband" - she needs to grow the fuck up. Especially as this is literally nothing to do with her - like I can imagine you telling her you're having an affair and wanted to tell her husband sort of thing.

As for the person who commented I’m not sure you put her in a fair position I mean come on.

CurlewKate · 16/06/2023 22:58

@Mari9999 "Pregnancy is a quite normal condition. What exactly makes the OP vulnerable?" She was vulnerable because she was being very sick and she was scared and needed advice and/or reassurance. Pregnancy does not make a woman vulnerable per se.

Mari9999 · 16/06/2023 23:10

@CurlewKate
Someone who has never been pregnant may not really know what symptoms or normal or to what degree these symptoms manifest in different people, but I guess that I don't see that as being sick or vulnerable. I would think of that as a relatively normal part of the pregnancy learning process

T1Dmama · 17/06/2023 01:49

Yeah she was shitty…. Husband or not it simply wasn’t her secret to share with anyone!
Do t share things with her again, if she wonders why just say you thought it unfair to tell her again as you know
she doesn’t like keeping things quiet from her DH. Sad really that you can’t trust her.

I was REALLY sick from about 6 weeks, had to be signed off work as was throwing up every half hour… had to tell everyone I was pregnant very early on, there was no hiding it ! I was told such bad sickness often means either a girl or twins! (Girl in mine)..

co grata and good luck

Original poster
NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl · 17/06/2023 06:46

Thanks so much @T1Dmama and I’m sorry you had such bad sickness. I’m throwing up pretty much every half hour too. It kinda sucks! Twins, yikes! But a girl would be ok 😁

OP posts:
pollymere · 17/06/2023 10:14

When I was younger I'd always tell people that I kept no secrets from DH. Most replied, "well obviously". Everyone always assumed that a confidence with me included DH automatically.

Mediocrates · 17/06/2023 18:21

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/06/2023 12:35

I personally don’t think there should be secrets between couples.

There’s a difference between having a secret from your partner, and keeping someone else’s secret. Why should my husband be entitled to private information about my sister or friends, just because I have it? I don’t understand some of the one-upmanship on this thread; you don’t get a “Best Spouse” award because you tell your partner every piece of information you have

Justalittlebitduckling · 17/06/2023 19:02

Mediocrates · 17/06/2023 18:21

There’s a difference between having a secret from your partner, and keeping someone else’s secret. Why should my husband be entitled to private information about my sister or friends, just because I have it? I don’t understand some of the one-upmanship on this thread; you don’t get a “Best Spouse” award because you tell your partner every piece of information you have

Show quote history

I think it depends on your philosophy of marriage. In a Christian theology of marriage, the two of you become one flesh in a spiritual sense and as it says in the opening to the marriage service, “It is given that as man and woman grow together in love and trust,
they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind”.

So within that framework, if someone shares private information with me they’re also sharing it with my husband. It’s not about one upmanship: there are other types of marriage and I’m not saying ours is better than anyone else’s, just that we personally wouldn’t keep secrets from each other.

saraclara · 17/06/2023 19:03

I really don't understand why some women feel obliged to share everything they're told with their husband. I just don't. And no-one on this thread has explained why they do that, and why their best friend or sibling's most intimate problem somehow has to become their husband's 'property'. That somehow he has a right to know this stuff that the lesson concerned desperately doesn't want anyone other than the lesson they've chosen, to know.

It makes no sense to me. It really doesn't.

Can anyone explain it to me?

saraclara · 17/06/2023 19:03

Lesson= person

saraclara · 17/06/2023 19:05

Cross posted with @Justalittlebitduckling

So if a vicar/priest is married, he's entitled to share his parishioners' confidences with his wife? Because they're spiritually one flesh?

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