To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

Not if it’s shared within the sacrament of reconciliation, no. That’s between the priest, the confessor and God. More broadly and outside the specific context of the confessional, yes.

@saraclara "Can anyone explain it to me?"
They won't. Because they can't. All I can think it either it makes them feel super special and in a better relationship than the rest of us OR they are worried about how their husband would react if he found out that they had kept something from him. There are several posts that hint at that. Which is horrible.

So, outside the confessional, nothing is confidential if you go to your vicar for comfort or advice. Before they're involved to share it with their spouse.

My aunt is a vicar. I'm confident that she would 100% disagree with you. But to put my mind at rest, I'll ask her.

FFS. Because they're obliged to share it...

Other than, amongst others, several of us with abuse in their backgrounds who have explained exactly why

@YetMoreNewBeginnings I don’t think saraclara was referring to women in abusive relationships.

I wasn’t either.

My explanation was based on childhood abuse and at least one other poster explained similarly.

So not “no-one in the thread has explained”.

My husband is a vicar lol. Your aunt is definitely offloading to someone, otherwise she’s going to have a breakdown at some point. Vicars are human too.

Literally explained it a couple of posts above.

LOTS of people have explained why they have that sort of relationship and the reasons behind it.. you just don’t agree with it.. so you keep saying no ones explained it?

Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t make it “wrong” you know..

I think the number of women telling their husbands everything because they were abused as kids must be pretty low.

It’s natural to want to share things with your partner, but most people realise when might be a good time to stay quiet, like letting your husband’s brother tell your husband he is about to become a father for the first time.

I very much doubt that she's identifying her constituents if she does.

I didn’t say it was high.

I was replying to a post stating that no-one had explained why they are like that.

I dunno, your talking about vicars and priests and the sacrament of reconciliation, so you must be in an established church. Which means that your husband will have a parish team of some sort, maybe a local group of parishes, certainly the structure and hierarchy within the diocese and beyond, which would give him fellow clergy and superiors to legitimately share his professional concerns, provide him with spiritual guidance regarding his own burdens etc. Like any other profession in that sense.

DH and I are Christians @Justalittlebitduckling and we take the idea of being ‘one flesh’ pretty seriously. But we understand it to mean that we should have care and consideration for one another, and for the things each other finds important, including our faith (united in heart), that we should comfort one another in sickness or distress, work together to do the important things, and grow our family (united in body) and that we should take care to reach agreement or make respectful compromises about what the important things are (united in mind).

In other words, it’s all about how we are to relate to one another as a couple, and how we together relate to God- not about how we should handle other peoples’ confidences.

My faith would also have a bearing on how I would want to be respectful and honourable and trustworthy if a friend confided in me, and act in the friend’s best interests. I wouldn’t see that as a conflict with my marriage vows.

Regarding vicars, I know in some non-denominational type churches the minister and his wife come as a package deal- team ministry etc- but that is usually explicit where it is the case. I would be a bit shocked to find out that our fairly traditional minister was sharing everything we ever said with his wife as a matter of course. I think it would affect our minister-congregant relationship quite considerably if I found that out.

@NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl "I’m not saying ours is better than anyone else’s,"

Well, yes you are. If you were't, you wouldn't be happy with overriding someone else's need for confidentiality.

Eek, sorry @CurlewKate but I didn’t say that. I think it was @Justalittlebitduckling

Actually the op does. This is her own confidential medical infirmation. It is for her to decide who, if abybody, she chooses to tell and when. This is the law relating to confidentiality.

This point is irrelevant. Her sil should have not have breached her confidence.