To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

Hardly. Was the SIL's DH going to come home and ask her if OP was pregnant so she's have to directly lie? All she had to do was keep someone elses news to herself, not gossip about OP when her DH came home and look surprised when everyone was told.

YANBU OP.

If someone asked me to keep something secret from my partner the answer would be no. Between us though we would respect the confidentiality.

I'm glad you have a supportive sister @PinkIcedCream - also you made me laugh!

I really don't think DH - or I - were dramatic about it. We talked about what to do, decided to tell people so that we got the enjoyment of making our own announcements (with the exception of my parents), and then made the phone calls. It was rushed I suppose, to do it straight away, and it was not our choice of timing, and I felt churned up enough to write this post, but I don't think there was any externally perceptible drama.

Actually, I think landing confidences on someone is quite selfish, if you're going to put it that way. You felt the need to share/get it off your chest and as a result I have to watch what I say to my DH /in my own home?

You just have to not say it. You don't need to go home and tell your husband everything you and a friend spoke about. Just say you're the type who cannot keep confidences.

Oh bless you thank you. I mean even the baby starts school this year so I may be holding a bit of a grudge..!! But I did find it eye opening!

My best friend I told 6 weeks in, my first baby and i stressed confidence as I was finding it all a bit overwhelming. Two hours later her husband arrived and her first comment was "ooo DryIce has some news!!!!"

I am over it really (I swear!), but I honestly did take it as a real life lesson in how people consider confidences. I am firmly of the school that while I'd obviously tell my husband anything that impacted him, I would consider someone else's confidences sacrosanct even from him - especially something like pregnancy which is going to come out anyway and means nothing more to him than some casual news

This is normal for lots of people I think. I always assume that there’s a chance someone will tell their spouse and if it was important that something is kept confidential I’d ask before telling them.

You put her and yourself in a difficult position by telling her and then saying you wanted it to be a secret.

It's a grey area but I generally see partners as an exception. If I tell a friend or family member a secret my default expectation is that I'm also telling their spouse unless I've made it clear beforehand that I expected otherwise.

Happy married thirty years too. I am sure you are a fab wife. But running to your husband with your friend’s private confidences makes you a shit friend.

I think it's pretty childish to say at the end of that conversation, with that subject matter, "Oh I have to tell my husband everything, I'll be telling him as soon as I see him". Seems really immature to me.

I don't run to my husband with anything, but if something comes up I'm not going to watch what I say to him.

I think it's refreshingly honest for her to tell you she'll tell her husband. She obviously has a really honest and healthy relationship with him and they are the best of friends, as well as being spouses. A lot of people would have just said, yeah ok, and done it anyway! I'm sure they can keep a secret between them.

I guess everyone has a different dynamic in their marriage, but I think she was quite cruel. You were vulnerable and concerned and that should have been enough for her to keep to understand why you didn't want the information shared.
Moving forward, I wouldn't use her as a confidant. Sad to say bc it's lovely to have a close family bond but, I would feel very let down and upset about her decision.

If one of my friends told me something in confidence, I wouldn't tell anyone and that includes my husband

You can't do that after she's told you!

Don’t be stupid. I am very close to my husband of thirty years and we talk all the time. But a private secret of a friend which does not affect my husband at all? I am not going to run gossiping to him. I have more self control and integrity than that.

Agreed! You'd think some discretion and nuance could have been applied to this particular situation by the SIL.

Love the goady little post 😂

@Febreezefantastic Thank you. Also your post saying: but you can't expect everyone to prioritise their friends over the intimacy they share with their husband. How ridiculous 😂. Goodness me I have an intimate relationship with my husband but if a friend had a miscarriage/trauma/rape etc then I'm sorry, their news would override my intimacy. Telling your husband everything doesn't mean you have an intimate relationship. It means you're a gobshite.

You can't do that after she's told you

Yes you can. You can just know that a friend put their trust in you, you don't have to say what you spoke about. You could easily just say oh I met so and so today, you don't have to say what you spoke about. It's a shit friend to not be able to keep someone's confidences.

Your SIL is horrible. Total power play by her. Don’t trust her with anything in the future.

congratulations on your news though…don’t let that cloud your excitement for your pregnancy ❤️

Yes. Clearly. Lots of wifies here can’t help but gossip about their friends to their husbands it seems.

Bless!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, that's funny! Well I hope the baby enjoys school!!

I don't find it odd that you still think of it though - I think it does alter relationships somewhat to see how confidential info is treated. The biggest thing that strikes me is that, where people are talking about being free and being themselves with their partner, I thought I had a friend in my DSIL who I could be myself with and now I'm not sure. So I will be guarded in what I say to her I suppose. I have a great relationship with DH but it would have be nice to have that friendship with DSIL too.

YANBU, of course she should have agreed to keep
the information to herself. I can’t believe she refused tbh. Lesson learned never to share with her again.

I agree with this. I'd always assume a spouse would hear it too. Sometimes it's not fair to expect someone to keep a big secret- they should be able to share with their spouse. It also helps to give context for your behaviour - e.g. I'm spending the weekend with Sarah because she's had a miscarriage and needs cheering up, so please look after the kids.

Telling one sibling wasn't ok, but telling a siblings wife before his siblings knew he was going to be a dad, for a pretty inconsequential question that could have been answered in loads of other places, was ok? 🤔

All sounds a bit drama llama-ish.