To think she should have kept my confidence

[NobodysBabyEverybodysGirl]

Namechanged...

I'm pregnant for the first time. I found out three weeks ago, I think I'm around seven weeks now so it's early days. I was planning to wait until after my 12 week scan to tell most people as that seems like the thing to do - I was also waiting a while to tell my parents as I'm not sure they'll be supportive... long story as to why but the main point is I'm nervous about telling them.

I was unexpectedly very sick a few days ago. Much more than I thought would be normal for morning sickness, and much sooner. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I spoke to my DSIL for advice - that meant telling her I was expecting, of course.

My DSIL is older, married to DH's brother, and has DC already. We have had a pretty close relationship so far so it felt normal to confide in her. They live overseas with the rest of DHs family.

Anyway she was pretty supportive about the pregnancy as a whole and the sickness. At the end of the conversation I said, almost as an afterthought, 'obviously I haven't told anyone else yet, so please can you keep this to yourself until I get a chance to tell the rest of my family and DH can talk to his parents and siblings'

And she said 'Oh! No, sorry, I never keep any secrets from my DH so I will have to tell him as soon I see him.'

Well, it didn't seem right for the two of them to know before our DMs, and I had no idea if the two of them would have kept it a secret either, so we ended up scrambling to tell the rest of our close family that day. It's not what I would have chosen to do at all. My parents were not at all supportive and also perplexed that I told them 'so early'.

It's done now, but am I being unreasonable to think DSIL should have kept my confidence?

I sort of see what you're saying @Preps about wanting to be comfortable and easy at home - like @Febreezefantastic said about being able to be yourself. I think I tend to talk about everything and nothing with my own DH.

But, there are things it seems obvious I shouldn't share (what lingerie a friend bought during a shopping trip, for example, or more seriously something in a professional context about a client's mental health etc.) And, if a friend asked me to keep a confidence I would, with some very limited safeguarding type exceptions.

I personally don’t think there should be secrets between couples.

All couples do not have secrets.

When my friends etc ask me to keep a confidence, they know that excludes my husband. I would tell my husband. I would tell him it is in confidence and he would never pass it on.

why would you even have a partner if you don't share stuff?

It's not just partners, If you tell your best friend instead, how do you know she won't share with her mum, or her sister anyway.

If something awful happened to your friends you'd run back and tell your partners even if they asked you not to?

I think you put her in a difficult situation really because it's not just keeping a secret its keeping a secret directly impacting his family. If he found out she knew and didnt tell him he may have an issue with that. Generally I think its ok to expect people to keep confidence (though tbh I always assume people just tell their partners even if they say they dont) but in this case I think I would have tried to find someone a bit more removed from your lives to speak to.

Of course she should. I hate this "Oh, me and my husband don't keep secrets from each other." That's fine, but you sure as hell keep other people's secrets!!

Me too. Quite pathetic.

There's plenty I can talk to my partner (and my best mate) about that doesn't involve gossiping about a mate's personal life.

Pathetic? Oh that is FUNNY!!!!!

I despise couples who can’t keep other people’s secrets and just have to share it with their partners.

Can I ask why you think that way? My husband and I, very boring I'm afraid, but tell each other everything - although of course it would never go any further than that. Must be doing something right as happily married for over 35 years now. But had no idea we would be despised because if it.

I agree. There's no need to tell your husband/wife/partner someone else's business.

I don’t understand why you panicked about telling everyone when you didn’t feel ready to, just because she said she’d tell her husband. She didn’t say she was going to tell the rest of your family, did she?

I told my sister a couple of weeks before I told DH as I was unsure about the whole pregnancy thing and needed reassurance.

My DP and I tell.each other things that I am sure our individual friends and family would not have shared with us directly.

Not everything, but many things. However, it stays between us. I know that, he knows that.

In this situation I would have been mildly annoyed but would not have then 'scrambled to tell family'. That seems like an OTT response on your part. You spoke to SIL for a reason and pregnant women need support. Everyone else could have waited until the 'tradional 12 weeks' as that seems to be their expectaion.

Your DH's hand was not forced at all. The situation became a drama. And your PILs sound like they wouldn't be happy either way. Which is shit of them.

congratulations OP.

I also think it’s pretty despicable when a person can’t share something private with a friend without them going home and gossiping about it with their partner on the sofa. Really poor show.

Literally everything? I've been with my husband for 20 years and there's loads of stuff he doesn't know about my friends because it's none of his business. I'm sure the same goes for his friends and me.

Why do you have to tell him though? Why does your husband need to know?

This. They’re married, of course they don’t keep secrets from each other. You should expect that.

I tell my husband everything because he’s my husband.

Do people believe they're closer to their partners than others due to the fact they gossip about their friends and family? Is that the cause of your long lasting relationships?

Interesting point. Yes I can see that my pregnancy directly impacts DH's family. I suppose I thought, as the one who is pregnant, it impacted me more and so I was first in line for consideration when it came to my-pregnancy-related decisions.

Someone made the point about miscarriage being a potential reason to want to tell her DH. I wouldn't want to put anyone in a difficult situation about that, for sure, and it wasn't really on my mind as a possibility. I do doubt it though, in this instance - just because it's the kind of intimate thing we've discussed in the past, and because she's pretty blunt. But I will bear that in mind when I tell others.

I'm curious. If it were my DS rather than my DSIL that I had told, would people still think it strange that I chose to confide in one family member first?

It’s done now and lesson learned. Next time get advice from mumsnet and don’t reach out to a family member expecting them to keep your confidence .

Me too. Quite pathetic.

It really is

But why? Why does someone else’s personal and private information have to be shared further? Do you not have enough to talk about with your husband that you can’t keep other people’s business out of it? If it’s a secret and that person has entrusted you with it, you shouldn’t just decide that it’s okay to pass it on without their permission.

From my experience you just don’t tell an in law confidential stuff as their loyalty is not with you, when it comes down to it. Did you really not have anyone else to confide in or are you trying to be besties with her so it gives you more clout in the family? And lingerie shopping, seriously? These relationships are very political, she will say she doesn’t keep secrets from her Dh but what she really means is she’s not the friend you think she is. Sorry, that’s what I’ve seen happen with in laws anyway.