To be constantly irritated by my sister and annoyed about one upmanship

[OhWellIAmJustNutsThen]

I don't really know if any of this makes sense but I feel like I'm starting to lose the plot. I have a sister (as well as other siblings), we are a few years apart both in 30s. She has a couple of kids, I have three. Growing up we were quite close, shared a room etc but since we have grown up we still see each other alot but I feel constantly irritated. She copies absolutely everything I/we do as a family. Sounds petty, but I mean everything. Whatever I buy my eldest, it is then brought for her eldest ( a year younger), even if I don't share she will remark on the things on the background of photos for example and within a day they have it. I then get constant 'oh I cant believe my DC had this/done this a year earlier' 🙄 and absolutely everything is upgraded so it comes with 'oh do you have the standard one, we brought the XL version, the bigger set..etc etc' it sounds petty, but i kid you not, it's unrelenting, to the point she is booking the same holiday as us but of course a better room, package etc. I say nothing, but I'm at the point I don't tell her/show her much because I just know what's going to happen. It's constant one upmanship.
She absolutely demands attention, to the point she makes things up, her pregnancies being the worst times. we (our family) had a running commentary of everything, and I admit she had a few health niggles in that time but I caught her out lying time and time again about things that didnt quite add up but were scaring my mum to bits unnecessarily.
Now it's the thought of her announcing another pregnancy. Sounds utterly ridiculous again I know, but I'm absolutely worn down by it as the hints have started coming. I want her to be happy I really do, but it's the constant messages, the constant demands for attention and she will then have the youngest grandchild (and unlikely to be anymore to come from any of us) so will likely need some sort of parade for that too...🙄

My mum mentioned a few months ago when I voiced (in private) I was irritated by the one upmanship as my eldest has actually noticed himself (and he's 5!!) that she thinks she's jealous which I just don't get. She earns more, has a much "swankier" life style than us. I am content with my life and am not trying to compete for more. I just want to enjoy my things without feeling like it will either be put down or see it "done better" and rubbed in my face.

Am I being petty or is there a better way to manage this, I feel like I'm having to think about it way too much. I can't really distance myself as we meet regularly without it being very noticeable to everyone. I just find myself having to grit my teeth all the time.

She sounds like a nightmare, I think you really do need to start withdrawing contact.
X

It's a vicious circle now at this stage because you have noticed it so will analyse everything she does and how that compares to you! But please don't stop doing things you enjoy (e.g. Spending time with your parents) just because she will be there!

@Confusion101 you are right of course. I just think the big days like boxing are gone because she has almost stamped them as hers. When we meet altogether it's out somewhere (farm or something) We have five very young children between us with four adults it's too much to squeeze into my mum's house so a few years ago it came to an alternate days thing. We've always ended up the day after boxing. I accepted it once and it's of course, stuck 🤷🏼. On the brighter side I will take a pj day with my kids and relive the magic on 'our day'. I think instead of being frustrated with what she's doing I need to focus on what we can do, and start snatching times with my parents on our own terms. Yes they are probably going along with her too much, but I cant really change that either. They're 70 years old, I'm not out to rock boats with them.

All other means of communication will need to be minimal. It's really shit but she's really wearing me down, especially on WhatsApp. When she told me she was booking our holiday, I was crushed tbh and I think she knew it. Not crushed for me but for my kids, because all we will hear is how much more amazing their time was as they've gone all VIP. Ifs our first family holiday, my eldest son hasn't been away for a week properly before. To her family it's nothing. It's been a straw that broke the camels back. Not because of the money, but the principle.

She pushes because they let her.

don’t let them complain to you. “I’m sorry, that sounds hard, maybe next time you’ll hold your ground”

do NOT accept scraps fro your parents. You deserve so much more.

@OhWellIAmJustNutsThen the way you have explained all of that, sounds like your plan moving forward is a good one! Just on the kids noticing thing. I grew up with rich cousins, we had a very close relationship, at Christmas, birthdays etc they got fantastic presents and we got smaller presents in comparison. The only reason I know this is because my parents recently told me how shit they'd feel when the cousins would come over telling us what they got. I never once noticed that their presents were so much bigger than ours or worth so much more! They went on holidays abroad every year, we didn't go on a holidays abroad until I was 12. It honestly never crossed my mind that we were being hard done by or that they had a better life than us. I saw us as equals.

My point of this long winded post is that children are innocent and everything is good and normal to them until they are made aware that it's not (hope that makes sense.)

If you can, try not project your feelings around your kids, or else try giving your sister a taste of her medicine back "oh yes our holiday was AMAZINGGGGG" etc etc.... I wouldn't be able to sit there and listen to her going on and on about something being so good and say nothing! Fuck that!

You can’t change other people only your reaction to them.

You therefore need to have less chat with her otherwise when you do chat she is going to continue to tell you about her amazing life.

Gradually step back. Mute her chat. Takes hours to reply.

Also you could of course have it out with her……

Absolutely @Confusion101 I will. We will have a fab holiday and I will give it all I have (I mean physically as opposed to financially). If it's one thing I'm proud of is how much I try for the kids to come up with imaginative things to do. She does all the expensive clubs which is great, and her kids enjoy it, maybe I would too in her position, but I admit I beam inside when my kids tell her about the great weekend we had in the woods etc. We grew up like that, so it's what I know. I think she's just fortunate that she is much more affluent now. I'm happy for her fwiw, I have no grudges, she's earned what she has, I just approach things differently. I'm going to take a deep breath, a glass of wine and try to shake it off.

Up tread someone said it started in childhood. My wife sister was the pfb. She was the golden child, accepted a brother a few years younger but resented a baby (my wife) when she was a teen. Pil have always facilitated her bs letting exaggeration and obvious lies go, helping her financially when her and her husband had fucked up again. The last time leading to a massive row as my wife finally had enough.
Since fil died she seems to relish worrying her mother. "There going to be a shortage of meat" " Elvis and wife's business will struggle after brexit " pure nastiness as her blacker cat than yours schemes have no impact on dw.

I'd pull back from seeing her full stop. And not reply to her messages - just leave her unread.

And if she does collar you with another round of showing off, let her run out of steam and then say, with a smile, that you think it's pretty sad when people value how much they spend over everything else. And that you know your children will always value the time and effort you've invested in them, rather than taking the easy route out and throwing cash at everything. Then I'd walk away and let her stew on that.

And I would also look to change some of my holiday details and not tell her.

I have an aunt like this, she droves my mother mad. But my mother let her do it by telling her things so she has a chance to show off and then my mother reacted like a crazy woman.
We can't change other people, just our own reactions, accept your sister and parents have this dramatic and live your own life.
My mother had some counselling and it really helped her put this relationship into perspective.

Thanks for all the response. I think the thing that keeps coming up and has stuck with me is that I can't change other people's behaviour so I need to just let it go and concentrate on how I want to move on. I genuinely want to stop fixating on it and being so wound up, it's actually distracting and with three kids I have enough going on! I'm going to try gradual minimal contact and will see what happens. It's sad, it really is, but it's no longer fair on me and my DH to be honest who hears alot of my complaining!

If anyone has any tips to help I'd appreciate it, I don't want to be a carpet and fall back into just saying 'ok', I know I do need to stand up for myself. And 100% I need to learn to switch off i spend too much of my down time is spent getting worked up by the snide comments and letting the things she does get to me. I need to be able to shrug it off and accept it's alot of her problems here (I know I have also made mistakes but like to think I'm not being quite so bad).

Thanks 🤗

It's exhausting when someone is constantly trying to make you jealous, even if you're not. I'd just call her out on it

Step back and drop the rope.

Make yourself less available - pull back on the time you spend with her. If she messages a load of boasting then just give her a thumbs up.

Mute her on WA and if she asks then tell her you are spending less time on screens.

Be busy if she asks to go out for a day but be vague - sorry we've got plans but have fun. Then don't respond to anymore messages asking what you're doing. If she badgers you, then you can legitimately point out that she seems a bit obsessed and really it doesn't matter what you're doing because you are busy, but that doesn't affect her ability to go and have a nice day.

I would also put her on an information diet. Don't share holiday plans. Don't talk about new things with her. If she asks then be vague - tell her you haven't decided yet, or you're being flexible and will book something last minute.

One of two things will happen - either she'll back off, or the shit will hit the fan because she'll demand to know why you aren't sharing details with her. If it's the latter than you'll need to be honest and say that you got fed up of feeling like she was trying to live your life and that you were tired of always feeling like she was competing with you, so you stepped away.

I'm not overly close to my DS. She's just a pain in the hole. She's the kind of person that if we both were given the exact same thing, in different colours, whatever colour I had she would prefer it - but she would want both mine and hers. It's been like that all our lives and even in middle age, she's not fucking changed a bit! Geographical distance though has resolved that. She's never set foot in my home and vice versa.

For different reasons, I don't tell DM much - just because she gossips it around the wider family, no matter how private, and it's been hurtful before. It becomes easier with practice, especially when you've a few rehearsed phrases at the ready.

I think that you should probably just not tell her from now on what's going on with your life, or if you have to, be as vague as possible.

If you've a holiday booked in Tenerife, don't tell her where you've booked- just say that you are going to book last minute. Alternatively, when she asks for details of whatever you could just reply with "lol, so you can copy me again?, don't think so sis!" or "Oh I can't remember, I'd have to look it up. I'll let you know when I find it" and then never get back to her.

If you do get direct questions you'd rather not answer - well, I tend to make a joke of it and move the topic along. "How much is your house worth" "how much did that cost?" "Oh millions obviously! - I had to get my swiss banker to move the money for me"

Your parents are part of this issue can you talk to your mum and tell her how you feel

@Quitelikeit I'm not sure what else I would say. Mum knows I'm irritated by the one upmanship. In regards to my sister pushing her way in to for all the events even when they don't want to etc she also knows that. I've pointed out before she 'books' their house for every major event and I think it's unfair as my kids miss out. To my parents credit at half term they made a effort to see my kids. I can only hope that will get better if I keep pushing during the summer hols. I'm not sure I can change the fact they keep caving to her. She is ridiculously persistent to give her credit (!) she will message relentlessly and lay it on very thick.

Thinking about it I've noticed that my sister basically every weekend is looking for someone for her family to meet up with. There are times when I can be sat with mum who will get a message asking if they're free, if she says no, I will instantly get a message asking the same, if I also say I am busy by the end of the weekend I can almost guarantee I will be told or see she has met with someone else. She is also very very rarely home with her family. I know that's not an issue, people want to do stuff of course, but when I say out or with someone else every single day, I genuinely mean every single day, with the kids. Maybe she's just not that happy there I don't know but now I think if it I very very rarely know of her having pj days, days in the garden etc just the four of them.

As I say, none of my business but as others have mentioned that she may be abit unhappy or there's an underlying cause it's just a thought she may be pushing herself on others to stay busy 🤷🏼 and the purchases are all a front to say hey look how good my life is.

Does she send the same messages to your siblings that are LC with her?

She does send messages to my other siblings around the holidays to try and meet. One strings her along and then pulls out or doesn't ever set a date. The other sporadically responds and will meet her a handful of times through the year. I see her once a week (midweek as we are both part time and have little ones) and there is always the push for weekends also

It does sound exhausting and annoying for you. Cutting down contact and not giving her any info definitely wise

I would honestly also look at changing the holiday. Is she going at the same time as you?

Out of interest what would she say if you called her out on it?
'D Sis why do you copy everything I buy & do? Don't you have any opinions of your own?'

I agree about changing the holiday - and keeping quiet.

In terms of messages, I'd take time to respond to her, or keep it vague along the lines of not being sure but you hope she has a lovely weekend and you'll catch up with her soon.

The issue of the house being too small for both families to visit: why can't you meet up in a restaurant or something like that?

Yes paying for a cafe or somewhere to meet up is more expensive than a free visit at home but as they say sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money.

Right now you are paying with frustration and broken relationships.

Ang millions of people live in two up, two downs. Some extra fold up chairs, kids sit on the carpet.

To be honest @ThatFraggle that's my mum's decision to not want all of us around. It's quite alot, we have five children 5yo and under between us so it's quite full on when you consider highchairs and the noise and chaos. They are 70yo themselves.

OP I don't understand why you haven't said much to her about it? There are loads of options between the two extremes of putting up with it, and going low-contact because of it!

You could say "Why do you always copy me?" She'll deny it, but the next time she does it, you say "See I told you you are always copying me". Keep it light and jokey and never fail to point it out.

You could give her a "hilarious" nickname like Me-too Mavis or One-Up Wanda. MNers can suggest a good one: what sound does her name begin with?

You could trick her in the ways that have been suggested and then tell her why. I know it's a bit mean but surely it's better than diminishing your relationship with your sister?