To be constantly irritated by my sister and annoyed about one upmanship

[OhWellIAmJustNutsThen]

I don't really know if any of this makes sense but I feel like I'm starting to lose the plot. I have a sister (as well as other siblings), we are a few years apart both in 30s. She has a couple of kids, I have three. Growing up we were quite close, shared a room etc but since we have grown up we still see each other alot but I feel constantly irritated. She copies absolutely everything I/we do as a family. Sounds petty, but I mean everything. Whatever I buy my eldest, it is then brought for her eldest ( a year younger), even if I don't share she will remark on the things on the background of photos for example and within a day they have it. I then get constant 'oh I cant believe my DC had this/done this a year earlier' 🙄 and absolutely everything is upgraded so it comes with 'oh do you have the standard one, we brought the XL version, the bigger set..etc etc' it sounds petty, but i kid you not, it's unrelenting, to the point she is booking the same holiday as us but of course a better room, package etc. I say nothing, but I'm at the point I don't tell her/show her much because I just know what's going to happen. It's constant one upmanship.
She absolutely demands attention, to the point she makes things up, her pregnancies being the worst times. we (our family) had a running commentary of everything, and I admit she had a few health niggles in that time but I caught her out lying time and time again about things that didnt quite add up but were scaring my mum to bits unnecessarily.
Now it's the thought of her announcing another pregnancy. Sounds utterly ridiculous again I know, but I'm absolutely worn down by it as the hints have started coming. I want her to be happy I really do, but it's the constant messages, the constant demands for attention and she will then have the youngest grandchild (and unlikely to be anymore to come from any of us) so will likely need some sort of parade for that too...🙄

My mum mentioned a few months ago when I voiced (in private) I was irritated by the one upmanship as my eldest has actually noticed himself (and he's 5!!) that she thinks she's jealous which I just don't get. She earns more, has a much "swankier" life style than us. I am content with my life and am not trying to compete for more. I just want to enjoy my things without feeling like it will either be put down or see it "done better" and rubbed in my face.

Am I being petty or is there a better way to manage this, I feel like I'm having to think about it way too much. I can't really distance myself as we meet regularly without it being very noticeable to everyone. I just find myself having to grit my teeth all the time.

It sounds incredibly annoying op. I think you need to hold back with the amount of things you tell her. Like others have suggested, can you just pop into your parents house as a surprise so she doesn’t rock up too? And don’t mention you’re going on holiday- just go. If she asks just say it was a last minute deal. I agree with a pp that if she’s desperate for a girl and you have one it could be why she’s desperate to prove (to herself more than anyone) that she has more than you- possessions and attention wise- to make herself feel better about the situation. Must drive you crazy.

also- pretend you’re buying recorders or drums for your kids…

Brilliant suggestions. I may even buy the musical instruments for her children's birthdays.

I'm going to really pull back on communication as you have all suggested, and share directly with my parents only. I'm just a bit sad by arranging separate events etc we will inevitably be missing the big days for the foreseeable (boxing, new year) but I guess that's better than feeling resentful and the kids sensing it

Thank you everyone, as I have been wanting to post for ages but was worried you'd all say I was being a child and suck it up or whatever (except obviously I am still broody so have held my hands up there!)

I have a cousin like that. Her sister copes by pretending to buy things and pretending to sign her kids up to activities. Genuinely it is quite funny, you should try it. She told her sister she'd signed her kids up to circus class, you guess what the sister did...

I had a similar issue and found that lavish praise for the person concerned really helped. To a ridiculous degree but after a while it felt as though they were 'sated' of attention and calmed down. I always leapt in and asked them first about the things I knew they wanted to boast about. I agree it comes from insecurity of some kind but it's very hard to deal with.

We had friends that copied nearly everything we did, without ever acknowledging it. Drove me mental

Until we had dd, he'd had a vasectomy nearly 20 years before. That stopped him!

Try to think of it as imitation being the sincerest form of flattery. Might help.

😂

I think yes, unfortunately, the only way to win is not to play. I've had to step back from similar relatives, and come off social media. It's a shame because you do see less of the wider family as a result, but you can't change people, only your reaction to them.

Keep an eye on what your parents do though, as often these patterns of behaviour are laid down in childhood, and it may be that they're, consciously or not, reinforcing them.

@Whatthediddlyfeck that's brilliant. I will keep that one for when I need it😁

@MorganSeventh so you mean that they will just 'side' with her and cut me out 😔

I mean potentially of course. That would be heartbreaking.

Keep an eye on what your parents do though, as often these patterns of behaviour are laid down in childhood, and it may be that they're, consciously or not, reinforcing them.

I would agree with this. It’s very noticeable in my cousin when someone else has a success story, new job or baby or something. It’s almost like she has a crisis and starts getting worse. The parents pander to her and if people don’t she becomes aggressive and accusational, sometimes targeting the person with lies. I’ve backed off a lot now I see it more and more. She’ll be off copying some one else soon and they’ll call it “flattering” without realising it’s actually quite single white female 🤣.

I'm not sure necessarily that drastic, but there's been a lot of 'oh, you know what they're like' about my tricky relative over the years (ie don't rock the boat).

The status quo in your family seems to be that your sister is the tricky one, and you're the sibling who puts up with it, and it's likely your parents are familiar with that status quo and would prefer it to continue.

I'd make your social media private from her and pull back.

Tell her as little as possible and grey rock all the way.

Thanks everyone. I've already heard the 'thats what she's like' comments so I guess you are right. She really pushes them into things they've said they will not do so I guess this is it 🤷🏼 I will just have to take what I can get.

I have a similar thing with my sister but much more low key. She and her DH have always had more money than us but got a car like ours a few weeks later, got married soon after us, had their first child soon after us. Always wanted to know what we were doing for holidays etc. It does seem to have died down a lot now but was weird when they can afford to do whatever holiday etc they want to but had to copy us. I do agree with the poster who said it is because you are content and she clearly isn't as I can see this in my situation.

I like the tattoo idea - maybe tell her you’re going to put her name in it as you love her sooo much 😁
Also the circus skills course, love that, if you find really weird kids clubs or things to buy and then say oh that’s a weird choice but I’m glad you love it (as if you’d never heard it be mentioned ever before).

My sister is like this.

we did an extension, so she moved to a bigger house.

we got a new car so she got two new cars.

we got a new bathroom so she got a new bathroom and en suite.

we had the first grandchild, so she had the second and third. We had the fourth, so she had the fifth.

it used to really bother me but now I can’t be bothered to give a shit. And it’s come and bitten her in the arse, because her youngest is a little shit and she’s utterly miserable (and very jealous of the fact my life is easier, because I have less kids and a smaller house to keep clean) 😂

She’s also in debt because she can’t afford all of the extras she has, I feel sorry for her because I suspect she’s deeply unhappy and fills her life with what others have because she’s lacking something somewhere.

My sibling & their partner are like this, we ended up removing them from all social media and stopped telling them what was going on in our lives. They seemed to really hate us for doing anything and whatever we did was wrong or done to somehow purposely upset/insult them - it was bizarre. Things are much better since they now know very little about us and our lives.

Have you ever pulled her up on it, or made a comment that makes it clear that you think her behaviour is ridiculous?

My aunt used to do this when one of her neighbours started to copy her,she'd lie about everything from foreign holidays to vacuum cleaners.

She just wants control doesn't she? How infuriating. Using her son to emotionally manipulate caring people is pretty despicable. Do you think she has any self-awareness or insight into her own behaviour?

@strawberry2017 yes I did and she belittled me / gaslit me, told me I was imaging it, of course she'd end up with the same things as me because theyre similar ages.

It's truly ridiculous. According to her, her eldest son is going to be future sportsman, going to an elite top 10% school, yada yada. I can say my son likes collecting bugs, I will get 'oh Ds is obsessed with bugs', my son will like climbing 'my ds is always climbing'. I have joked with DH that I could literally make sh!t up and she'd play along. It just makes the conversations painful as there is no actual truth/substance to it. And I genuinely couldn't care if he went to Eton and my son is in his local primary 🤷🏼 it's the course we are on and I'm at absolutely fine with it.

Was coming here to ask the same! I wonder if you said it straight out "do you know you always have to do what I do but try make it one step better" and see what she says.

Seems very drastic to miss out on days like boxing day like you have suggested over this! My first step would be to stop telling her things, and stop telling your parents things you don't want her to know.

I do agree with the people who said some of what you say is a bit two sided though 🙈

@Confusion101 that's fair enough, I know I'm not faultless

I also wonder what she'd say if you flat out asked her why she does it.