To be constantly irritated by my sister and annoyed about one upmanship

[OhWellIAmJustNutsThen]

I don't really know if any of this makes sense but I feel like I'm starting to lose the plot. I have a sister (as well as other siblings), we are a few years apart both in 30s. She has a couple of kids, I have three. Growing up we were quite close, shared a room etc but since we have grown up we still see each other alot but I feel constantly irritated. She copies absolutely everything I/we do as a family. Sounds petty, but I mean everything. Whatever I buy my eldest, it is then brought for her eldest ( a year younger), even if I don't share she will remark on the things on the background of photos for example and within a day they have it. I then get constant 'oh I cant believe my DC had this/done this a year earlier' 🙄 and absolutely everything is upgraded so it comes with 'oh do you have the standard one, we brought the XL version, the bigger set..etc etc' it sounds petty, but i kid you not, it's unrelenting, to the point she is booking the same holiday as us but of course a better room, package etc. I say nothing, but I'm at the point I don't tell her/show her much because I just know what's going to happen. It's constant one upmanship.
She absolutely demands attention, to the point she makes things up, her pregnancies being the worst times. we (our family) had a running commentary of everything, and I admit she had a few health niggles in that time but I caught her out lying time and time again about things that didnt quite add up but were scaring my mum to bits unnecessarily.
Now it's the thought of her announcing another pregnancy. Sounds utterly ridiculous again I know, but I'm absolutely worn down by it as the hints have started coming. I want her to be happy I really do, but it's the constant messages, the constant demands for attention and she will then have the youngest grandchild (and unlikely to be anymore to come from any of us) so will likely need some sort of parade for that too...🙄

My mum mentioned a few months ago when I voiced (in private) I was irritated by the one upmanship as my eldest has actually noticed himself (and he's 5!!) that she thinks she's jealous which I just don't get. She earns more, has a much "swankier" life style than us. I am content with my life and am not trying to compete for more. I just want to enjoy my things without feeling like it will either be put down or see it "done better" and rubbed in my face.

Am I being petty or is there a better way to manage this, I feel like I'm having to think about it way too much. I can't really distance myself as we meet regularly without it being very noticeable to everyone. I just find myself having to grit my teeth all the time.

Well, it's your parents' call who they have in their own house, but surely it's your call if you invite your parents and your sister's family to yours for lunch?

Half my house has been unusable for a long period because of drawn-out building work (which also means we have a camp kitchen and the only table is in a small living room), but in the summer I tend to make up for not being able to fit many people in by using the garden to have people over. Could you do that?

That would alleviate the endless covert fighting over your parents' time and attention, which seems to be the main bone of contention.

I think you need to stop engaging in the oneupmanship, too. Are you forever posting on social media, if, as you say, she is buying things that are in the background of photos? You seem to be feeding her material, if she knows the detail of your holiday destinations, and what room you're in or package you're on etc.

As I said earlier, I'm close to both my sisters, and see them regularly, and I only knew that my next sister was on holiday in Sardinia last month because she WhatsApped me a photo of something she thought I would find funny. Far from knowing that kind of package/room type etc she's on, I have zero idea whether she's staying in a hotel, rented house, or on some kind of peripatetic tour etc. It clearly isn't helpful for your relationship with your sister for you to be sharing that kind of information with one another, plus it sounds incredibly dull. I mean, it's interesting to hear about places people have been, or a good or hilariously awful hotel, but I can't imagine sitting about telling someone endless details of what room type I was in.

@Izzabird I'm not on any social media I am only on WhatsApp. She asked me about the holiday 🤷🏼

Sounds like my sister. I have no relationship with her now but worse, my relationship with my only parent has suffered greatly too as the decades of being treated like a third-class citizen after sister and parent made my MH suffer. Plus it was beginning to affect my dd so I had to step back.

Like yours, my sister has the better life on paper yet is insanely jealous of everything I do. She hates me doing anything before her (she's much older, so it's not often I get the chance). She turned down a trip to Eurodisney when mum wanted to take me when I was young (the only foreign trip of my childhood) but changed her and her friends' interrailing plans to make sure she got to go there first, and then came back and bragged about it. I was a child! My mum was furious, but didn't say anything and so such behaviour continued. I refused to tell my mum, let along my sister, that I was off to America until a week before I went as I knew if sister had any warning she'd make sure she got there first.

My mum has, on the main, expected me to just accept it and refused to acknowledge it upset me at all, even when she's seen me sobbing in front of her. Thus my relationship with her is non-existent: 20+ years of being told my feeling don't matter does that.

Stop telling your sister stuff, but be warned that your parents might, so you may need to consider lessening what you tell them too.

Don’t start playing games like some people have advised here. You really will go mad.

Just try and control information better and if I were you I would withdraw. She sounds extremely competitive and that’s not relaxing company.

But just tell her less, then? It would never even occur to me to say what kind of room or package I was in for a holiday to either of my sisters, or vice versa, just probably roughly where we'd been and if I'd liked it, unless it was a particularly strange rental or something.

And how is she seeing photos if she's copying things in the background of them, if you're not showing her them?

As a general rule, I'm generally deeply sceptical about many of these 'My friend/sister copies literally everything I do' threads. They often seem to be posted by people who do extremely mainstream/commonly-popular things, and get outraged that someone in their vicinity has also called their baby George/Jack/Sophie/Amelia, painted their living room grey with mustard 'pops of colour', gone on holiday to the Algarve/Tenerife, bought an airfryer/robot lawnmover, arrived at a family occasion wearing a floral midi and white runners. I mean, it's hardly Single White Female territory...?

@Beenawhilesinceacupoftea you are right of course, it's not relaxing at all.

And I was right about the baby announcement, that arrived yesterday!

Haven't heard much otherwise and I've really withdrawn from WhatsApp. I'm annoyed how much I have let her interest my life tbh. Time to move on..

I've also made separate plans to see my parents. Tbh they are probably relieved that they can see us separately as there is tension now. Will address Christmas etc when we get there. Baby will take all president now I know that

If I were you and if you still want to have a relationship with your sister, I would take a completely different tack.

Try to get to know her again without the kids and your parents around. I know this is difficult when you all have young families but I think it is very likely that if you plan some meetings just you and her, maybe with an activity to take the pressure off conversation, the real reason she is behaving like this will come out. It may not be pleasant for you to hear it or it may be that actually she really is just driven by competition and rivalry - bit at least that will help you move forward.

If you don't want to spend the time doing that it would be understandable but I'm guessing there's some real emotional hurt behind her behaviour, like she thinks your parents love you more than her. Not your fault or problem, but perhaps you can move the focus away from the historical family and towards the two of you and your bond. If you want to.

Thanks @Spinet

You say this but my sister in law turned up to the same restaurant as me, with a birthday cake for herself, on my 40th birthday. Hers was 2 weeks before. Her friends sang happy birthday to her, she posted all the pics of her lovely lunch and her sat with the cake. On my actual birthday, in the place I picked and was fool enough to tell her about. Not a common place, different county to her.

I have not told her a single thing since.

So I am usually not sceptical at all when people say “so and so copies me”. We all have similarities but sometimes it’s like they want to wear your skin as a dress.

My sisters DH is exactly the same. Anything I do, he has to either put it down as something he'd never ever be interested in, or he'll come back with something similar, but better.

Case in point, a couple of years ago I went to see the musical Hamilton. I deliberately got seats up in the grand circle, because a good friend had said it was incredible up there (they were right!), and I was really excited about it. SisDH replies with "I'm a Stalls man myself, much better down there."
I went again about 18 months later, and literally got seats 2 rows from the front. SisDH goes, "oh, I much prefer further back myself."

Pre-covid, mum and I went on a girls trip to tour Switzerland. And he'd done a very similar, almost identical trip a few years before that. Of course, every stop that we made, that he didn't... his unique stops were far superior, with all these amazing things to see. And the stops we had in common didn't get a single mention. But we did manage to get to one place he hadn't been able to get to because of problems with the trains, and he was obviously fuming!

And literally TOMORROW I'm off on a 2-week cruise. Going to Norway, Iceland and a quick one-day stop in Belfast where I plan to go and see the giants causeway, which I've wanted to see for years. He's never been to Norway or Iceland, so zero mention has been made of those. But he HAS been to Belfast, and HE went to the Titanic Museum, which of course, once he learnt where I was planning to go, he made sure I knew was FANTASTIC.

I try and ignore it, but honestly, it makes him sound like a complete twat.

Thanks for sharing your experiences although it's sad how many others are going through it. I haven't heard a peep from her since she announced the pregnancy. Perhaps she's happier now (we're "even" again) or maybe she's read this thread 😂. It's wierd as she's been so persistent, but a relief. I have questioned why she's had no contact but then I'm reminding myself she'd also love the fact I'm wondering 🤔 so I'm relishing the peace and trying to refocus myself. I've no doubt I will be deluged again at some point as there will be a million baby things that she can ask me, to then of correct me on.

For now though, I had a really lovely day with my DD.

I've no doubt I will be deluged again at some point as there will be a million baby things that she can ask me, to then of correct me on.

This is where pulling back can be helpful.

What do you think about X cot? I'm not sure because I haven't thought about cots for a while. I'm sure whatever you pick will be lovely.

What do you think about mixed feeding? Oh I don't know there's so much different advice these days, do what you think is right for you.

Perfect the art of responding without actually answering the question.

I've no doubt I will be deluged again at some point as there will be a million baby things that she can ask me, to then of correct me on.

Only if you play ball, surely. Just say 'I haven't the faintest idea, sis. That all feels like years ago, and I'm sure the advice etc has changed completely. Now --' and firmly change subject.

@zingally, I think you're overreacting wildly to what sounds like, at worst, mildly irritating travel 'advice'. I mean, obviously this man isn't going to talk about countries he hasn't been to, and would recommend a museum in a city you are going to on your cruise because he thought it was fantastic and doesn't want you to miss it! I mean, he sounds like a crashing bore, but a lot of people are more interested in their own travels than anyone else's, and people's very different theatre seat preferences are one of the chief reasons for going to the theatre solo...

Yes sound advice. So far I've just been reminded that she would never EVER put her DD (and she currently has boys) in pink because its gender stereotyping and she would want her DD to be strong, independent and not brainwashed by things like disney that imply she needs to grow up needing a man. Said whilst both her boys strut about in blue dinosaurs and diggers and my DD is embarrassing herself in green trousers and a pale pink top 🫣 I shouldn't have let her leave the house obviously 😂

Lord give me strength.

@OhWellIAmJustNutsThen I had similar ideas about colours when I had my first (boy) - "colours are for everyone" etc etc. Then I had my daughter, and she's only just three but she LOVES pink, and is SO opinionated! We never had any problems getting my first to wear whatever shoes I got for him, but my daughter will literally fight tooth and nail not to wear something she doesn't want. I had to buy her a pair of bright pink sandals recently just to get her to stop wearing her wellies when it was 30 degrees and blazing sun outside 🤦‍♀️

If your sister does end up having a girl, I'm sure she'll quickly find out that you can have all the grand ideas you want, but if your toddler doesn't agree, it ain't happening! 😂

And you can smile smugly to yourself and say nothing 😉