To be constantly irritated by my sister and annoyed about one upmanship

[OhWellIAmJustNutsThen]

I don't really know if any of this makes sense but I feel like I'm starting to lose the plot. I have a sister (as well as other siblings), we are a few years apart both in 30s. She has a couple of kids, I have three. Growing up we were quite close, shared a room etc but since we have grown up we still see each other alot but I feel constantly irritated. She copies absolutely everything I/we do as a family. Sounds petty, but I mean everything. Whatever I buy my eldest, it is then brought for her eldest ( a year younger), even if I don't share she will remark on the things on the background of photos for example and within a day they have it. I then get constant 'oh I cant believe my DC had this/done this a year earlier' 🙄 and absolutely everything is upgraded so it comes with 'oh do you have the standard one, we brought the XL version, the bigger set..etc etc' it sounds petty, but i kid you not, it's unrelenting, to the point she is booking the same holiday as us but of course a better room, package etc. I say nothing, but I'm at the point I don't tell her/show her much because I just know what's going to happen. It's constant one upmanship.
She absolutely demands attention, to the point she makes things up, her pregnancies being the worst times. we (our family) had a running commentary of everything, and I admit she had a few health niggles in that time but I caught her out lying time and time again about things that didnt quite add up but were scaring my mum to bits unnecessarily.
Now it's the thought of her announcing another pregnancy. Sounds utterly ridiculous again I know, but I'm absolutely worn down by it as the hints have started coming. I want her to be happy I really do, but it's the constant messages, the constant demands for attention and she will then have the youngest grandchild (and unlikely to be anymore to come from any of us) so will likely need some sort of parade for that too...🙄

My mum mentioned a few months ago when I voiced (in private) I was irritated by the one upmanship as my eldest has actually noticed himself (and he's 5!!) that she thinks she's jealous which I just don't get. She earns more, has a much "swankier" life style than us. I am content with my life and am not trying to compete for more. I just want to enjoy my things without feeling like it will either be put down or see it "done better" and rubbed in my face.

Am I being petty or is there a better way to manage this, I feel like I'm having to think about it way too much. I can't really distance myself as we meet regularly without it being very noticeable to everyone. I just find myself having to grit my teeth all the time.

We can't all turn up to my parents at once as it's a small house, but she has "bagged" (her own words) boxing day, new year's day etc every year because her eldest is 'pushed out' or other multiple reasons. As I said, we just go another day but after years and years it's really quite annoying. It's her way every time.

But I don't see why it has to be your family or your sister's -- host Boxing Day in your house if it's bigger, and everyone can fit? Or just squeeze? Take your dad out for lunch collectively for Father's Day? It seems needlessly either/or. Can you really not bear to be in the same place as one another for celebrations?

Can you use humour / kill her with kindness?

Tell her how flattering it is the way she looks up to you and always follows your example... when you get something new tell her you know of course she'll have to get one now as well... isn't she lucky she has a sister with such great taste coz she wants to copy you all the time... isn't she lucky you make all the decisions coz she doesn't seem to have a mind of her own... etc.

Try and bug her as much as she's bugging you!

I'm genuinely baffled as I don't see it at all from OP! The sister sounds like a flaming narcissist, and she's forcing OP into a constant competition that OP doesn't want to be in, but has to somehow engage with to avoid being always lord's over somehow.

OP I'd distance yourself and tell your parents why, doesn't have to be cruel, it's just human nature to need a break from this kind of intense personality. Your folks have probably noticed already anyway.

*lorded over

Can't you just tell them (Mum n Dad) to expect a surprise and then collect them or arrange a cab to take them to a restaurant or maybe for a weekend somewhere.
If you don't tell them, your SIS won't know where they or you are.

OP every time she does it look her in the eye, laugh and say "well imitation is the sincerest form of flattery". Or "what took you so long? You're slipping"

@Outofthepark that's it. That's how I feel. Like I'm having to compete and feel inferior. I love my family, I love my house and i am content with what we have. But I feel like I need to feel it isn't enough and I have to wave some sort of banner all the time. And sadly, someone else was right, that because there is no 'drama' here I have less contact from my parents.

My parents 100% know what's going on as we are invited separately UNLESS my sister wades in. We are always invited over for extended periods when she's on hol for example. Like a little secret. Sad isn't it.

I could have written this myself honestly I have the same issue with my sister . So jealous over really minor things .she has to have all the attention needs to be told she’s a good mum or she’s a good person . She passed her driving test and I passed 4 years later and she fell out with everyone about it because I got attention she wanted . I recently moved house as I needed a bigger property as we was over crowded and she’s been a bitch to me ever since , shouting at me for no reason , speaking to me like a piece of shit . So now I’m done with it now after 20 years of it , I don’t contact her when she contacts me I just grey rock her (look up grey rock technique ) I know it’s hard but you have to just not tell her anything and not give her the attention she wants , just don’t react .

I'm very LC with my sister for similar reasons.It started when we were kids and it's still going on today,despite the fact that our DC are adults now and our parents are long dead.

It's hard for us to know for sure. Some of the examples you have given seem two sided. She obviously is jealous of you and wants your life, but at the same time some of the examples show that you seem a little jealous of her too.

That's so sad to hear @WickedSerious and @Chocolatesandroses I'm sorry

I do wonder what will happen when my parents are no longer here. I think we will be very separate then. So sad. I'm not even sure where it has come from. I do admit I have faults in this, I'm just not sure I can ignore her acting like this for years and years without going very low contact ATM. I have other siblings who are very separate. We speak amicably but there's no 'competition' amongst them, they have gone LC with her for years now. Maybe it's because I perservered for longer I'm getting the brunt now and we have children of similar age. Plus I've always been the family punch bag (metaphorically speaking!)

I think I'm jealous of her ability to persuade people to do what she wants. Honest truth..people say no to me and I go 'ok' and respect that. She doesn't give up. Ever. And if she wants something to happen it does. Perhaps that's part of it. My mum can say no ten times to something, but lo and behold it will happen if she keeps asking. That's quite frustrating. Because mum then moans about it too.

Gosh, reading these posts has been eye opening.

I have a much loved younger brother but when I was growing up I used to wish for a fictional sister. This thread makes me think that I was actually very lucky with my super chilled out (practically horizontal) brother 😂.

OP I think leaning into it might be the only way. Just absolutely assume that everything will be copied by your sister and make a huge joke out of it.

@Holly60 I have more than one sister but just this one with the drama 🤣 it is like playground stuff. I am slightly embarrassed how petty this seems but my god it's grated on me.

Shes insecurity. This is how she is trying to manage those feelings. Not very smart, but that is what she is doing. Tell yourself it is sad she feels the need to do this. And ignore it. By engaging (even in your thoughts) you are just using your time and energy.

I am in no way an armchair psychologist but if she is desperate for a girl and you have one then this behaviour is likely because in her eye she wants to have something that you don’t, the bigger holiday villa, the better car etc

Or she is just a CF

One way to get round it is just doing the opposite you usually would. For example book your holiday but instead of telling her you have booked say Tenerife, say you have booked Greece. Maybe even lay out a few Greek tourist books. Say how you can wait to go. And then when she says she has booked it saying have a nice time, we can’t wait for our holiday too…. in Tenerife (or better still don’t tell her until after you are back)

Same for things in the house. Can you borrow something that you know she will like from a friend? Then have it sitting there for her to see. When she inevitably buys the “better” version, say oh I need to tell Friend as that is hers and I am sure she will like it

Perhaps that's part of it.

Bingo. Because it is not fair. But life is not. And over thinking about it will just make you miserable. As much as she gets her own way, she is not happy, or she would not feel the need to do this. Just remind yourself of that.

Oh ok I see what you are saying. It is sad because inevitably it's also my children that miss out. I'm geographically closer so we have lots of pop ins and 'hi's!' but less full days out with my parents if that makes sense.

It's really thought provoking though thanks.

And less time with their cousins because I can't stand the conversation.

ask her if she’s looking forward to her holiday in Elevenerife

Ah that resonated about saying ok when people say no

i am the same; and have a sibling who is excessively opposite. To the point where there is grandparent guilt and that element of secrecy when doing something without them

its shit isn’t it, and like you say, sad for the cousins because I can’t face the drama either so I’ve backed off a lot over the last few years

no advice, just a fist bump of solidarity and all the wine

This just shrieks insecurity to me

But you can control what you show and tell her.

Don't send pictures. Don't put it on social media. Don't say what your plans are.

Arrange something quietly for your Dad- let her have the actual day- but organise something lovely for you both. And don't tell her.

I can't imagine she will change, so you can only change how you behave and react. She is making herself feel better by pushing you down. And you are letting her- I guess out of a sense of loyalty to her.

If you already have plans with your dad, why doesn't he tell your sister that, especially if they've already done their fathers day get together? You're all enabling this behaviour unfortunately, just say no when she tries to change your plans and ignore all the hints/drama about the other stuff because it really is childish

She sounds like a sad act!